upset and alone..
tonight i came to an understanding of the phrase, "good things don't last forever."
for the first time in about 7 months, something was broken inside me that i never thought would be broken. not because of secrets, or of past events.
but because of the outlook on my future.
i never could see my self leaving.
but she could.
"i mean i need people who are my friends..
who i can talk to about anything"
if i say i love you it's because i trust you above a lot of the people in my life. meaning that i'd tell you something before i told anyone else it. i never thought we were a married couple. i never wanted it to be like that. i just thought we had a bond, above "friends," and that we could share anything with each other.. but i guess i was wrong.
i guess i was hiding from the truth:
we're young and in love.. and that can't possibly last forever... right?
i don't know. in these past months i've come into contact with so many people who's parents are highschool sweethearts. i guess that with what i feel now that something like that could be possible.
but it doesn't go both ways.
i'm depressed. i feel sick. i'm wide awake and doubt ill sleep at all. all i want to do right now is stare out my window. i feel still, like something was taken for me.
it's alright to dream isn't it?
it's not alright to have those dreams crushed, isn't it?
i guess i was hoping for too much and in doing so ruined something for someone, as much as they say i didn't. but you can't hide behind the facts. what happened this summer, how many people you didn't see was a result of something we shared. and i'm sorry i took you away from so many things that you loved.
i've been so selfish and jealous that it makes me sick.
i treat people that i love more than myself like shit.
i do this to myself.
i eat dirt now, with the ants.. or atleast thats how small i feel. i mean come on, how am i supposed to feel when you're told that the person you love loves someone else.. or did, or something along those lines. am i supposed to be happy and cheerful and want to know more? or am i supposed to be hurt and upset that my existence in her life hasn't helped to dim those feelings.. at all.
i feel like all this time spent loving hasn't affected anyone.
i feel like i'm not worth anything to you.
i feel like next year it's going to end so quick that you won't even remember me, or what we shared.
i feel like you're just waiting for this to end so that you can move on and find someone new.
i feel like if i died you wouldn't cry.
when i wrote that long paragraph to you about all the things that made me feel like you didn't care.
all i wanted out of that was some comfort, that it wasn't all on purpose. that you didn't do it intentionally. that you loved me and you never met to hurt me like that.
i love you so much.
i for one don't care about how old i am,
i've always felt older than i am, anyway.. so i guess that never had any bearing on me.
just what you said, "we're so young" .. hit me hard .. it made me realize that you really don't feel the same way i do.. and, that struck me deep, all the way to the bottom.
i hate shaky endings without love.
i don't want this to end.
i don't.
i want these last weeks to be happy, without anymore fights. and just let things play out as they may, and let's just do it the right way.. i suppose.. and not set anything in stone... and just hope that if this really is ment to be then it will.. and if not... well then i think i'm the one that has to accept that.
to love a person as much as i do, i just, i just don't understand why it would have to end.
i've felt down lately.
i don't know what to do.
can't sleep.
no hunger or thirst.
no more smiles.
i'm lost.
for the first time in about 7 months, something was broken inside me that i never thought would be broken. not because of secrets, or of past events.
but because of the outlook on my future.
i never could see my self leaving.
but she could.
"i mean i need people who are my friends..
who i can talk to about anything"
if i say i love you it's because i trust you above a lot of the people in my life. meaning that i'd tell you something before i told anyone else it. i never thought we were a married couple. i never wanted it to be like that. i just thought we had a bond, above "friends," and that we could share anything with each other.. but i guess i was wrong.
i guess i was hiding from the truth:
we're young and in love.. and that can't possibly last forever... right?
i don't know. in these past months i've come into contact with so many people who's parents are highschool sweethearts. i guess that with what i feel now that something like that could be possible.
but it doesn't go both ways.
i'm depressed. i feel sick. i'm wide awake and doubt ill sleep at all. all i want to do right now is stare out my window. i feel still, like something was taken for me.
it's alright to dream isn't it?
it's not alright to have those dreams crushed, isn't it?
i guess i was hoping for too much and in doing so ruined something for someone, as much as they say i didn't. but you can't hide behind the facts. what happened this summer, how many people you didn't see was a result of something we shared. and i'm sorry i took you away from so many things that you loved.
i've been so selfish and jealous that it makes me sick.
i treat people that i love more than myself like shit.
i do this to myself.
i eat dirt now, with the ants.. or atleast thats how small i feel. i mean come on, how am i supposed to feel when you're told that the person you love loves someone else.. or did, or something along those lines. am i supposed to be happy and cheerful and want to know more? or am i supposed to be hurt and upset that my existence in her life hasn't helped to dim those feelings.. at all.
i feel like all this time spent loving hasn't affected anyone.
i feel like i'm not worth anything to you.
i feel like next year it's going to end so quick that you won't even remember me, or what we shared.
i feel like you're just waiting for this to end so that you can move on and find someone new.
i feel like if i died you wouldn't cry.
when i wrote that long paragraph to you about all the things that made me feel like you didn't care.
all i wanted out of that was some comfort, that it wasn't all on purpose. that you didn't do it intentionally. that you loved me and you never met to hurt me like that.
i love you so much.
i for one don't care about how old i am,
i've always felt older than i am, anyway.. so i guess that never had any bearing on me.
just what you said, "we're so young" .. hit me hard .. it made me realize that you really don't feel the same way i do.. and, that struck me deep, all the way to the bottom.
i hate shaky endings without love.
i don't want this to end.
i don't.
i want these last weeks to be happy, without anymore fights. and just let things play out as they may, and let's just do it the right way.. i suppose.. and not set anything in stone... and just hope that if this really is ment to be then it will.. and if not... well then i think i'm the one that has to accept that.
to love a person as much as i do, i just, i just don't understand why it would have to end.
i've felt down lately.
i don't know what to do.
can't sleep.
no hunger or thirst.
no more smiles.
i'm lost.