Questions and remorse...
I just realized something today. The future scares the hell outta me. I don't know why, it shouldn't really. I have a stable job, that can turn into a career at any point in time. Personally, I think that's what scares me so much. What if I all of a sudden decide not to want to be in banking anymore? It wouldn't be the first time I make a random, sporadic decision like that. But where would I go? What would I do? It's not like I have a college degree that I can use for the future. What would become of my life?
And then my fear and paranoia go away. Just because of one thing. One thing that is constantly on my mind. One thing that makes me ecstatic, yet makes me feel crying. It's as if I miss something that I have never had. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't get it out of my head! I'm obsessed, I guess.
Why can't I just have a normal life, instead of this...whatever...that I have? I just want to find a girl, get a nice career, and live happily ever after. Don't I? At least that's what I wanted when I asked myself before. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I definitely want to find a girl, but the rest I'm not so sure about. What is a 'nice career' anwyay? Or even, what is 'happily ever after'? Who defined that as the American dream? I'm already on my way to a career, I guess, but what about the girl? Funny how it all boils down to one thing...
I already know what you're thinking. 'You're only 18. Don't be worried about that until you're 25!' Fuck that. I hate people that say that. I don't even want a 'future wife.' I just want someone I can hang around with. I don't want this 'prize' I can show off to my friends. I want someone I can talk to about a bad day, or a great day that I had. Sure, my parents are here, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm lacking companionship. That's the word. Companionship. And affection. I don't want someone just for sex, I want to feel needed. And vice-versa. I want them to feel needed. 'Course the sex is a bonus, heh.
I probably sound all sappy and what-not, but it's true. I think it's my turn. I've seen good friends get married; hell, I was even in their wedding! I've helped people get hooked up, but the favor's never been returned to me. Fate keeps throwing me a curveball over and over again. You'd think I'd get used to it and be able to hit the damn thing out of the park by now. But I feel like I'm stuck in a groove. What do I do? I need to figure it out...
And then my fear and paranoia go away. Just because of one thing. One thing that is constantly on my mind. One thing that makes me ecstatic, yet makes me feel crying. It's as if I miss something that I have never had. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't get it out of my head! I'm obsessed, I guess.
Why can't I just have a normal life, instead of this...whatever...that I have? I just want to find a girl, get a nice career, and live happily ever after. Don't I? At least that's what I wanted when I asked myself before. I'm not sure of anything anymore. I definitely want to find a girl, but the rest I'm not so sure about. What is a 'nice career' anwyay? Or even, what is 'happily ever after'? Who defined that as the American dream? I'm already on my way to a career, I guess, but what about the girl? Funny how it all boils down to one thing...
I already know what you're thinking. 'You're only 18. Don't be worried about that until you're 25!' Fuck that. I hate people that say that. I don't even want a 'future wife.' I just want someone I can hang around with. I don't want this 'prize' I can show off to my friends. I want someone I can talk to about a bad day, or a great day that I had. Sure, my parents are here, but it's not the same. I feel like I'm lacking companionship. That's the word. Companionship. And affection. I don't want someone just for sex, I want to feel needed. And vice-versa. I want them to feel needed. 'Course the sex is a bonus, heh.
I probably sound all sappy and what-not, but it's true. I think it's my turn. I've seen good friends get married; hell, I was even in their wedding! I've helped people get hooked up, but the favor's never been returned to me. Fate keeps throwing me a curveball over and over again. You'd think I'd get used to it and be able to hit the damn thing out of the park by now. But I feel like I'm stuck in a groove. What do I do? I need to figure it out...