Pain, heartache, love
I'll apologize in advance if this rambles, I don't do feelings posts well. Knight, you may choose not to read this, but I won't make that choice for you by locking it. Others will say I am slighting B by not discussing my feeling for her in this. This is not about her. This entry is very focused.
Last night was an interesting experience, something that told me for certain that my feelings for Red are not a fleeting fancy. We had Red and Knight and family over for dinner, to break in the new grill properly.
While we were sitting there eating, I looked at her, I wanted to hold her in my arms, Not a friendly hug in greeting, but to just sit with her and hold her. I couldn't. I must hide my feelings.
She entered into a conventional marriage, and doesn't have the freedoms that I do. She did not know of the options, or did not voice her desires properly, or he did not hear. Somewhere the communication broke down. But she is there, with a "contract". Any contract can be renegotiated, as to prevent a complete,
I LOVE HER.
Don't ask me to explain how or why, I just do. When they left last night, my heart was aching, I was on the verge of tears. They came later when I was laying in bed. People who know me say I have been down, and in a rut recently. Bordering on depression has been kicked around. B reminded me as we talked of the song "Jesse's Girl". I guess in a way it does fit, except I don't want to take her from what she has, I want to add to her life. I want her to know the boundless energies that can flow, the magic that can be felt. I want him to be able to feel that as well. I want him to feel secure that I do not want to take her, That what she wants can benefit him as well. That that boundless love can encompass him, and bring positive things to his world.
There is a point where you can no longer put the reins on emotions.They become their own living breathing entity. They attain a life of their own. My love for her has hit that point.
I do not know if Red has hit that point as well. I have no way to talk to her in private, to learn of her feelings. I don't trust electronic communications, her email and IM's are snooped on occasion. I shouldn't have to hide my feelings, he knows how I feel, but it feeds his insecurity, when he reads something. Yet he decides to read. I am writing this, I need to get these feelings out, I will not hide them. Perhaps if he reads this it will hurt less then looking at what is supposed to be a private communication.
I don't know where this will end, I do know that I am so intertwined that there is no way to extricate myself from it, nor would I want to.
I LOVE HER.
I HURT.
Somebody will be hurt. There is only one way it can be avoided. Perhaps more then one. I know that if this ends, I will be one. I suspect Red will be as well. If it continues, Knight could be hurt. If Red and Knight are to split, then the kids will be hurt, he will be hurt, she will be hurt.
Is it worth it?
If this was a casual thing, friends with benefits, swinging, I would say no. That is empty. This is love. Love is always worth it.
Last night was an interesting experience, something that told me for certain that my feelings for Red are not a fleeting fancy. We had Red and Knight and family over for dinner, to break in the new grill properly.
While we were sitting there eating, I looked at her, I wanted to hold her in my arms, Not a friendly hug in greeting, but to just sit with her and hold her. I couldn't. I must hide my feelings.
She entered into a conventional marriage, and doesn't have the freedoms that I do. She did not know of the options, or did not voice her desires properly, or he did not hear. Somewhere the communication broke down. But she is there, with a "contract". Any contract can be renegotiated, as to prevent a complete,
I LOVE HER.
Don't ask me to explain how or why, I just do. When they left last night, my heart was aching, I was on the verge of tears. They came later when I was laying in bed. People who know me say I have been down, and in a rut recently. Bordering on depression has been kicked around. B reminded me as we talked of the song "Jesse's Girl". I guess in a way it does fit, except I don't want to take her from what she has, I want to add to her life. I want her to know the boundless energies that can flow, the magic that can be felt. I want him to be able to feel that as well. I want him to feel secure that I do not want to take her, That what she wants can benefit him as well. That that boundless love can encompass him, and bring positive things to his world.
There is a point where you can no longer put the reins on emotions.They become their own living breathing entity. They attain a life of their own. My love for her has hit that point.
I do not know if Red has hit that point as well. I have no way to talk to her in private, to learn of her feelings. I don't trust electronic communications, her email and IM's are snooped on occasion. I shouldn't have to hide my feelings, he knows how I feel, but it feeds his insecurity, when he reads something. Yet he decides to read. I am writing this, I need to get these feelings out, I will not hide them. Perhaps if he reads this it will hurt less then looking at what is supposed to be a private communication.
I don't know where this will end, I do know that I am so intertwined that there is no way to extricate myself from it, nor would I want to.
I LOVE HER.
I HURT.
Somebody will be hurt. There is only one way it can be avoided. Perhaps more then one. I know that if this ends, I will be one. I suspect Red will be as well. If it continues, Knight could be hurt. If Red and Knight are to split, then the kids will be hurt, he will be hurt, she will be hurt.
Is it worth it?
If this was a casual thing, friends with benefits, swinging, I would say no. That is empty. This is love. Love is always worth it.