Stand in the Rain
She never slows down
She doesn’t know why but she knows that
When she’s all alone it feels like its all coming down
I feel like I'm constantly whirring around. I'm doing so many things at once that my brain barely has time to think before I'm acting. I think it's because I'm afraid to be left alone with my thoughts, like I am now. Whenever I am, I come to stupid false conclusions about my life and those involved in it. The other day I almost thought about going back home, quitting hogwarts and finishing High School in an actual academy. Not to mention breaking whatever I have with Sirius off, and leaving nothing more than a note in the commonroom to everyone, saying I wouldn't be back.
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down
I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I'm barely sleeping anymore. I can't stop this, it's a spiral of despair, I feel depressed, and I don't feel like I have a way out, or anyone to talk to that would actually understand what I'm saying without judging me, or telling me I'm crazy. I've been compulsively sobbing aswell, no tears. I just sit there, and make these terribly sad noises, and I pretend nothings wrong with me, and that everythings fine, I've been locking myself in the bathrom a lot lately, no one's even noticed.
~
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
~
She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands she’ll fall down
I feel like I'm fighting with myself for dominance over my own body. I. I've been doing things that aren't good. Things that I myself frown upon. Things that are worse than the things I frown upon. I sit staring at myself in the mirro for hours, telling myself exactly what it is that I hate about myself. Taking pills, seemingly harmless ones, but if you take them in one lump sum, without needing their medication... It's bad for you, like an addiction to drugs. I feel like crap. I keep fighting with myself, but everytime I take the pills out of the container, it gets easier and easier, and everytime there are a few more of the red ones or the blue ones, that I pop into my mouth.
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from, wants to give up and lie down
I want to be normal again. I want to be the Emmeline Vance that looked at herself with pride, that appreciated those around her, than got a good nights rest, and wasn't popping pills as if they'd save her from everything thats troubling me. I wish, that someone could save me from this, from this thing that I've become, this person that only a shell of what I used to be. I'm afraid, I know that if I confess to my issues, they'll leave, leave because they dont care, because they dont want to help, because they dont love me. Even my parents will leave. No one understands, no one gets it. I want to run, run into the lake, be fearless again, I want to be free, I want to lie down, I want to give up, I want to not have to worry about myself, and my actons and the things that I'm getting myself into. The things that are inevitably going to get me or my body into a lot of trouble.
~
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain
~
I need to figure things out, and until I do, maybe it'd be best if I just crawled into a hole and claimed death as my fortress, pain my sheild. misery my weapon of choice. I need help, serious help. I've been alone with my thougths for too long. I need to get to sleep, I'm going to take my pills and head to bed. Try to sleep, Even though I only lay there, listening to my casette player, praying to find myself, the real me, the one that's been lost for so long I fear that I've lost her for good. My world is tumbling down around me, and I feel like there's nothing I can do, I feel helpless.
Maybe it'll rain tomorrow, I'll dissappear into the forest, maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just lie there in the rain, in the forest, until some creature finds me, until the death eaters find me, until death itself claims me. Until I've figured something out.
Adieu,
A Tormented Tempress
Emmeline Vance