(no subject)
So this is my life now...
I haven't said too much, because I guess its personal, but its pretty much my entire existance now, so its hard to seperate. My mother is ill and at home, and I'm her sole caretaker. I was terrified of this happening because I knew it would be hard, and it is, harder even. Its challenging physically and mentally, and I can't tell if its ok to be frustrated and think I cannot possibly do this for much longer.
Christmas was weird. I kept saying I'd put up a tree, but honestly, I knew if I had to decorate a tree it would do me in. I don't know why fully yet, but I knew it wasn't something I could handle. My mother was a little disappointed, but seemed to understand. I decorated the tv for her (see? I totally get the tv watching from her), since she faces it in the living, which is where her hospital bed is. I also reminded her that CHristmas was never really her thing and that it was like pulling teeth trying to get her and my brother to get into the Christmas spirit in the past--its why I stopped coming home for Xmas, because it was too damn depressing. And this is most likely her last Christmas, but I made it as enjoyable a day as I could and bought her gifts she could appreciate now and she really liked them,
My aunt is coming tomorrow, and she's a retired nurse, so thank god, I'll have some help finally. My poor mother, I know she doesn't want to run me ragged all day, but its the nature of caretaking and its certainly not her fault. She's happiest at home, and I'd like to keep her here as long as I can stand it. We both know that when I go back to work, we may have to consider another option.
I watched Lexmas and Rage yesterday, and Devil Wears Prada and wrote lots,. its nuts but Smallville still makes me smile, and Tom Welling's kind face is like a life jacket sometimes. Its minor and I've not gone crazy enough not to understand its just a meaningless distraction, but pretty things always help:)
Aside from all of that above, I'm still grateful I can even do this, as hard as it is, I'm glad I came home when I did:) I just have to learn to eat more (I'm down 14lbs!) but cooking 6 times a day is getting old, lol...I ordered in tonight, and let the nice restaurant up the street cook my mother's dinner tonight:D Every little bit helps. If you actually read this thanks, if not, I understand. I don't know why this helped, but it did.
I haven't said too much, because I guess its personal, but its pretty much my entire existance now, so its hard to seperate. My mother is ill and at home, and I'm her sole caretaker. I was terrified of this happening because I knew it would be hard, and it is, harder even. Its challenging physically and mentally, and I can't tell if its ok to be frustrated and think I cannot possibly do this for much longer.
Christmas was weird. I kept saying I'd put up a tree, but honestly, I knew if I had to decorate a tree it would do me in. I don't know why fully yet, but I knew it wasn't something I could handle. My mother was a little disappointed, but seemed to understand. I decorated the tv for her (see? I totally get the tv watching from her), since she faces it in the living, which is where her hospital bed is. I also reminded her that CHristmas was never really her thing and that it was like pulling teeth trying to get her and my brother to get into the Christmas spirit in the past--its why I stopped coming home for Xmas, because it was too damn depressing. And this is most likely her last Christmas, but I made it as enjoyable a day as I could and bought her gifts she could appreciate now and she really liked them,
My aunt is coming tomorrow, and she's a retired nurse, so thank god, I'll have some help finally. My poor mother, I know she doesn't want to run me ragged all day, but its the nature of caretaking and its certainly not her fault. She's happiest at home, and I'd like to keep her here as long as I can stand it. We both know that when I go back to work, we may have to consider another option.
I watched Lexmas and Rage yesterday, and Devil Wears Prada and wrote lots,. its nuts but Smallville still makes me smile, and Tom Welling's kind face is like a life jacket sometimes. Its minor and I've not gone crazy enough not to understand its just a meaningless distraction, but pretty things always help:)
Aside from all of that above, I'm still grateful I can even do this, as hard as it is, I'm glad I came home when I did:) I just have to learn to eat more (I'm down 14lbs!) but cooking 6 times a day is getting old, lol...I ordered in tonight, and let the nice restaurant up the street cook my mother's dinner tonight:D Every little bit helps. If you actually read this thanks, if not, I understand. I don't know why this helped, but it did.