The V-Card
This is important, at least to me. I'm not sure how many other people feel the same way, but I'm certain that I don't stand alone.
Waiting 'til marriage: When intimacy is on hold
By Margot Carmichael Lester
In this values-driven day and age, holding out is in. Despite new-fangled ways to get your groove on, many people are taking an old-fashioned stand and deciding to wait to have sex until they're married.
And they may be onto something. Being honest about what you want actually increases the likelihood of getting it, if only because we all tend to draw in what we, er, put out. So if you’re abstaining and you’re not afraid to talk about it, you’re more likely to attract others who share your values. Let’s take a look at this choice-and how to date when you’ve made this decision.
How close can two people get without sex?
Abstainers say the waiting adds to their bond, heightens anticipation and keeps sex special. But how can abstainers with a 19th-century ideal manage in the racy world of 21st-century dating?
“Many believe that those who have chosen to save sex for marriage are in some ways afraid of intimacy,” says abstinence advocate Lakita Garth. “I would have to disagree. The people I know who have chosen to wait actually have more intimate relationships with the opposite sex. The absence of sex enables them to be 'real' with one another, and frees them to reveal who they truly are and in turn discover the other person.”
How can you handle the peer pressure?
If you want to feel more secure in your decision, heed this advice from Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-Thirteen Generation:
At a certain level, the oddball feeling may always be there, but the key is to not care if your sexual set-apartness is understood by the masses. The important thing to note is that it will be understood by your God and by your spouse.
When you do enjoy a marriage full of beauty and romance, you’ll be looking at other people as the oddballs, wondering why in the world they would forego such amazing pleasure all for a momentary thrill ride.
How to share your stance?
So how do you tell a date you’ve decided to wait? Frank Whitley of Al Hambra, Calif., says it’s not that tough. Sharing thoughts and feelings about relationships comes up fairly early in the dating process, he says: “When it does, I bring up my decision in that context. It keeps the ‘news’ from being too shocking. The worst time to do it is when she’s expecting-or making-a move.” No matter when the “news” breaks, some women look for a reason to leave. Others inquire about his reasons. Either way, Whitley remains philosophical. “The woman I would be interested in long-term would have a desire to wait,” he notes. “If my date has a bad reaction to a man being strong enough to wait until it’s right-well, then she isn’t for me.”
Getting out of the situation gracefully is simple, he adds. “I just tell her I’m sorry she doesn’t share my values-but not in a judgmental way. Something like, ‘I respect your feelings as I hope you respect mine.’”
What if you’re feeling discouraged?
Do regular check-ins with yourself to reinforce your values. The Ludys advise, “Don’t be quick to leap into a romance. Ask yourself, do you plan on marrying this person? If not, then give it more time in the friendship state for evaluation. Only use intimate relationships as a context for building lifelong relationships. Waiting is difficult, but it is much easier when you are not entangled on the living room couch with someone else’s future spouse.”
Carrboro, N.C.-based writer Margot Carmichael Lester waited longer than most of her friends.
Waiting 'til marriage: When intimacy is on hold
By Margot Carmichael Lester
In this values-driven day and age, holding out is in. Despite new-fangled ways to get your groove on, many people are taking an old-fashioned stand and deciding to wait to have sex until they're married.
And they may be onto something. Being honest about what you want actually increases the likelihood of getting it, if only because we all tend to draw in what we, er, put out. So if you’re abstaining and you’re not afraid to talk about it, you’re more likely to attract others who share your values. Let’s take a look at this choice-and how to date when you’ve made this decision.
How close can two people get without sex?
Abstainers say the waiting adds to their bond, heightens anticipation and keeps sex special. But how can abstainers with a 19th-century ideal manage in the racy world of 21st-century dating?
“Many believe that those who have chosen to save sex for marriage are in some ways afraid of intimacy,” says abstinence advocate Lakita Garth. “I would have to disagree. The people I know who have chosen to wait actually have more intimate relationships with the opposite sex. The absence of sex enables them to be 'real' with one another, and frees them to reveal who they truly are and in turn discover the other person.”
How can you handle the peer pressure?
If you want to feel more secure in your decision, heed this advice from Eric and Leslie Ludy, authors of Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-Thirteen Generation:
At a certain level, the oddball feeling may always be there, but the key is to not care if your sexual set-apartness is understood by the masses. The important thing to note is that it will be understood by your God and by your spouse.
When you do enjoy a marriage full of beauty and romance, you’ll be looking at other people as the oddballs, wondering why in the world they would forego such amazing pleasure all for a momentary thrill ride.
How to share your stance?
So how do you tell a date you’ve decided to wait? Frank Whitley of Al Hambra, Calif., says it’s not that tough. Sharing thoughts and feelings about relationships comes up fairly early in the dating process, he says: “When it does, I bring up my decision in that context. It keeps the ‘news’ from being too shocking. The worst time to do it is when she’s expecting-or making-a move.” No matter when the “news” breaks, some women look for a reason to leave. Others inquire about his reasons. Either way, Whitley remains philosophical. “The woman I would be interested in long-term would have a desire to wait,” he notes. “If my date has a bad reaction to a man being strong enough to wait until it’s right-well, then she isn’t for me.”
Getting out of the situation gracefully is simple, he adds. “I just tell her I’m sorry she doesn’t share my values-but not in a judgmental way. Something like, ‘I respect your feelings as I hope you respect mine.’”
What if you’re feeling discouraged?
Do regular check-ins with yourself to reinforce your values. The Ludys advise, “Don’t be quick to leap into a romance. Ask yourself, do you plan on marrying this person? If not, then give it more time in the friendship state for evaluation. Only use intimate relationships as a context for building lifelong relationships. Waiting is difficult, but it is much easier when you are not entangled on the living room couch with someone else’s future spouse.”
Carrboro, N.C.-based writer Margot Carmichael Lester waited longer than most of her friends.