Alone
Do you ever feel alone? That you will be this way for the rest of your life and there is nothing you can do about it. I hate it, I hate feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like I lost my only shot at happiness seven years ago. And everything since then has just been to fill voids. I don't work weekends, so I'm free to hang out with people, want to know what I do with my free weekends. I sit at home or go to a casino alone. Let me tell you neither are very productive. I can't stand it. I hate having to move back to Illinois when things don't work out for me elsewhere. I swear every time I come back it just gets lonelier and lonelier. I honestly feel like I have no one in my life to talk to, to rely on, to hang out with. It's a terrible feeling. My "friends" that live closest to me are still over a half hour drive. I just wish I had someone who understood me. This is ridiculous I know. But what is the point in having a cell phone when I am on it for less than a hundred minutes a month, do you know how pathetic that is. It is the only way to contact me. It makes me feel pretty unloved and like I don't matter to any one. I know it sounds stupid but how would you feel if the only time your phone rings was from a collection agency. What happened to me? I swear I used to have friends, I used to be loved. I don't understand. I know people got married, moved away, started new lives, but what happened to at least talking on the phone every now and then. Did I ruin my one chance of having someone to grow old with and who would always be there for me when Beau and I split? Honestly I didn't believe it at that time and I still try not to believe it now. But every day that passes it just looks like I will be alone for the rest of my life. I just figured I would at least have friends for emotional support along the way. Unfortunately it looks like the only support I will be having is from the animal family that I have obtained along the way. This is a terrible way to live and I get so mad and so angry at myself for it. Because I put myself here I let myself become this. I feel like I am the only one who can change things around but I don't even know where to begin. How do I even start. I'm 28 and back to living with my parents who are going to be getting a divorce. I have no chance of getting approved for a house and apartments are ridiculously expensive out here, plus I have to go through a credit check for one of those anyways. I am so fucked it's not even funny. In Texas to relieve some stress I would work out, but I can't even do that because I screwed up my back on Thanksgiving and it hasn't been right since then, keep working with a chiropractor with it but when it seems we have one thing solved another one arises. Honestly I don't know what I am supposed to do with myself or where I should go from here. I just feel so alone.