About that time again..
I don't know that it necessarily matters, but do you ever get that feeling where you know you weren't in love with a persono until you see them with someone else? Jealousy. I know. I hate it. I care, really I do, but please stop telling me what you do with your new perfect girl when you just got done saying how much you still love me! The only problem is, I was in love with you, even through all the crazy shit that happened during and after. And so, so scared. I've never been more scared with you than anyone else in my entire life. I get scared, don't get me wrong, but I was terrified of what could happen. And now it's like if I don't look at any other guy then it automatically means that I'm not over you, but I am, to some extent at least. There are few that ever really remained with me. Obviously one is extremely clear to most, and the other was just a complete mistake that I'm GLAD didn't work out. I don't even really know if I considered it to be "boyfriend" on account of us basically hooking up for an hour or two then ending it on the spot out of fear. Honestly, I can't say I can ever see myself doing it again, though I may want to at times. I don't know.
People sometimes talk about "having a family" or the "one they want to marry," and I can never see myself doing that. EVER! I like kids, I don't want them. I like/love guys, I still don't want the attatchment. My mom says she used to be the same way, however mine's more extreme. I didn't even LIKE kids until I took up my first coaching job back when I was 11. I hated kids, I tolerate them, yes, but still. I hate attatchments! HATE them! Maybe that's my own immaturity coming out there, who honestly knows? But no one ever said I was fully grown up. I'm still entitled to miss some expectations. But why are they so high for me in the first place? Who the hell decided that I needed such high expectations? I mean, I'm not THAT great.. nor will I be. If you really wanted to break me down, I'm quite average. Just as any other person would find themselves to be. However, I'd argue WHAT is average exactly, yet still no one would be able to answer me. My grades aren't as high as my parents would "like them to be" yet they're higher than they were. My classes are merely average, yet they're mainly honors/ap. My swimming skills are average, yet they're AMAZING compared to some. So why am I so average when I'm considered to be so extrodinary? I don't really know, all I do know is that I am. And I'm fine with that. If anything I like it that way. It's probably why I'm able to keep everything so laid out, and probably why I never REALLY tried at anything. Who really wants to consume themselves trying anyway? Nothing ever gets done with that sort of mentality. So what's the point? If I ever did try, I'd probably be more of a threat. And I hate being a threat. Being a threat just makes me seem so much lower than what I can/would be. So why conform? Because it makes MY life easier. Even though I hate that thought.
People sometimes talk about "having a family" or the "one they want to marry," and I can never see myself doing that. EVER! I like kids, I don't want them. I like/love guys, I still don't want the attatchment. My mom says she used to be the same way, however mine's more extreme. I didn't even LIKE kids until I took up my first coaching job back when I was 11. I hated kids, I tolerate them, yes, but still. I hate attatchments! HATE them! Maybe that's my own immaturity coming out there, who honestly knows? But no one ever said I was fully grown up. I'm still entitled to miss some expectations. But why are they so high for me in the first place? Who the hell decided that I needed such high expectations? I mean, I'm not THAT great.. nor will I be. If you really wanted to break me down, I'm quite average. Just as any other person would find themselves to be. However, I'd argue WHAT is average exactly, yet still no one would be able to answer me. My grades aren't as high as my parents would "like them to be" yet they're higher than they were. My classes are merely average, yet they're mainly honors/ap. My swimming skills are average, yet they're AMAZING compared to some. So why am I so average when I'm considered to be so extrodinary? I don't really know, all I do know is that I am. And I'm fine with that. If anything I like it that way. It's probably why I'm able to keep everything so laid out, and probably why I never REALLY tried at anything. Who really wants to consume themselves trying anyway? Nothing ever gets done with that sort of mentality. So what's the point? If I ever did try, I'd probably be more of a threat. And I hate being a threat. Being a threat just makes me seem so much lower than what I can/would be. So why conform? Because it makes MY life easier. Even though I hate that thought.