This isn't permanent
I am going to work at Target for a while.
I am probably going to live in that fucking house.
Whenever I get emotional, I fuck things up. What's the fucking point of sitting and mulling things over when, no matter if I worry or not, the outcome will probably still be the same? It's hard. It's really hard, and it's frustrating knowing that one little tweak in the way the world works could turn everything around...one little switch, one little decision, and everything is all okay again, and this time, it really is, and it really can be. So I try to prompt that little tweak, when really I can't. I feel like certain things might do that, and I try so hard, I give it every tiny fucking part of everything I have inside of me and think of everything I can, but really it's out of my hands.
We all know I'm not really going to stop worrying, whether or not it's for the best. It's what I do (I've heard it said that I shouldn't say that either..."it's how I am"...everything can be changed). In any case, I know this will be the first and foremost concern on my mind for a very, very long time.
I read something today about indifference in one partner in the process of reconciliation, and how the other partner, the partner totally gushing and ready and totally in love, is completely hurt by this indifference, taking it as a sign of dislike rather than a normal progression of things that has to be built from again. The hurt party often reacts poorly. I reacted poorly. I made demands. I accept responsibility for what I did.
I kind of feel like I'm being punished. I know this isn't the case. Others' lives aren't so centered on MY feelings that my punishment is big on the mind of the universe. But it feels that way.
Target, that house...this horrible, horrible situation...it isn't permanent. Everything will be resolved. It fucking will be.
I am probably going to live in that fucking house.
Whenever I get emotional, I fuck things up. What's the fucking point of sitting and mulling things over when, no matter if I worry or not, the outcome will probably still be the same? It's hard. It's really hard, and it's frustrating knowing that one little tweak in the way the world works could turn everything around...one little switch, one little decision, and everything is all okay again, and this time, it really is, and it really can be. So I try to prompt that little tweak, when really I can't. I feel like certain things might do that, and I try so hard, I give it every tiny fucking part of everything I have inside of me and think of everything I can, but really it's out of my hands.
We all know I'm not really going to stop worrying, whether or not it's for the best. It's what I do (I've heard it said that I shouldn't say that either..."it's how I am"...everything can be changed). In any case, I know this will be the first and foremost concern on my mind for a very, very long time.
I read something today about indifference in one partner in the process of reconciliation, and how the other partner, the partner totally gushing and ready and totally in love, is completely hurt by this indifference, taking it as a sign of dislike rather than a normal progression of things that has to be built from again. The hurt party often reacts poorly. I reacted poorly. I made demands. I accept responsibility for what I did.
I kind of feel like I'm being punished. I know this isn't the case. Others' lives aren't so centered on MY feelings that my punishment is big on the mind of the universe. But it feels that way.
Target, that house...this horrible, horrible situation...it isn't permanent. Everything will be resolved. It fucking will be.