getting ready to leave the ground
So that's it. I've driven myself so deep into this hole that I don't care if I get a call. I don't care if no one talks to me on MSN, and I don't care if I spend the day alone at school.
And the truth is, I don't really know why I'm suddenly affected by all of this. I don't know why the loneliness is hitting so hard now. I have no idea what's going through my head at any given moment. But it seems as though there's either nothing there at all, or far too much of it, because I can't concentrate on anything, ever. This is going to be catastrophic if it lasts/gets worse until finals hit. I'll just bomb them all.
I don't know how I feel towards any of my friends, or even my boyfriend right now. I don't know if I'm really all that angry at so many people, or if it's just a frustration within me that comes out as a snappy, bitchy Bailey.
I really wish I could find a way to direct all of this confusion into something productive, like writing. I usually can, but it gets difficult when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be directing.
I want to just float away, and disappear. The curiosity relating to what would happen if I did grows stronger every day. Which of you would come running, searching every place you could think of that I might end up? Which of you would sit at home and simply wait for a phone call? And which of you would just ask over MSN, 'why the hell did she do that, anyway?' Hopefully I'll never have to know the answers, but parts of me wish I did.
I've replaced every bit of myself with something that is empty, meaningless, fleeting. I can't even believe how quickly I'm fading away from all of this; it seems so unreal. And though it scares me half to death, I make no effort to stop it from happening. What does that mean?
It's weird how when I get so severely lonely like this, it becomes a self-created paradox. I feel so rejected and disconnected that I simply throw that back at everyone who's around me. I see no solution except those that lead me to feel worse. And I always end up feeling worse.
This could very well be the point where a time in my life ends, and a new one begins. Or I could live like this for even longer, in which case, I'm not really living at all.
that there, that's not me
And the truth is, I don't really know why I'm suddenly affected by all of this. I don't know why the loneliness is hitting so hard now. I have no idea what's going through my head at any given moment. But it seems as though there's either nothing there at all, or far too much of it, because I can't concentrate on anything, ever. This is going to be catastrophic if it lasts/gets worse until finals hit. I'll just bomb them all.
I don't know how I feel towards any of my friends, or even my boyfriend right now. I don't know if I'm really all that angry at so many people, or if it's just a frustration within me that comes out as a snappy, bitchy Bailey.
I really wish I could find a way to direct all of this confusion into something productive, like writing. I usually can, but it gets difficult when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be directing.
I want to just float away, and disappear. The curiosity relating to what would happen if I did grows stronger every day. Which of you would come running, searching every place you could think of that I might end up? Which of you would sit at home and simply wait for a phone call? And which of you would just ask over MSN, 'why the hell did she do that, anyway?' Hopefully I'll never have to know the answers, but parts of me wish I did.
I've replaced every bit of myself with something that is empty, meaningless, fleeting. I can't even believe how quickly I'm fading away from all of this; it seems so unreal. And though it scares me half to death, I make no effort to stop it from happening. What does that mean?
It's weird how when I get so severely lonely like this, it becomes a self-created paradox. I feel so rejected and disconnected that I simply throw that back at everyone who's around me. I see no solution except those that lead me to feel worse. And I always end up feeling worse.
This could very well be the point where a time in my life ends, and a new one begins. Or I could live like this for even longer, in which case, I'm not really living at all.
that there, that's not me