THE CREW
For years, I have been very excited about the prospect of seeing Michael Dinner's 2000 film, The Crew. I've always liked the idea of the "Grumpy Old (Fill In The Blank)" genre, of which this seemed to be the dying gasp. I guess I forgot who was in the crew, but when I saw that it featured a second-billed Seymour Cassell (!!!!) I knew I had to purchase it. After a few months of waiting, I finally stumbled across a two dollar VHS copy.
Long story short, the Crew let me down.
I should have realized that once Richard Dreyfuss started narrating that there was going to be a problem. His not-quite-Dreyfuss/not-quite-Goombah voice should sent me lunging for the "eject" button. The movie starts off confusing, with a long look at young versions of our geriatric heroes and their special abilities. (Fire, baseball bats, not talking.) They did not dub the actor's old man voices in like they did in "Space Cowboys" but maybe they should have. From there we see the "Crew" as adults, and they are bums. They are working at the morgue and Burger King (most uncomfortable fast food product placement since "Houseguest", by the way!) and not using any of their skills. Also, Seymour Cassel plays a character called "Mouth" or "Lips" or "Yapper" or some shit. His main skill is not talking.
WHAT THE FUCK, THE CREW! What kind of idiot gets Seymour Cassel and has him play a mute?! Also, there is a scene where he has sex with Jennifer Tilly (who is totally disgusting looking and not the ultimate babe I thought she was when I was 13) and he starts going on and on to her. You don't even get to hear him say any funny shit because Richard Dreyfuss is doing some stupid fuckin' narration through the entire scene. I figured he was going to start talking a lot and being hilarious, but this didn't happen at all. He stays stoic and quiet for the rest of the movie. Fuck you, The Crew.
There is a good part where Seymour Cassel dances because of the unwritten rule that if Seymour Cassel is in a movie he has to dance.
I spent most of the movie talking to my friends so I wasn't really following the plot after the first twenty minutes. The direction is really confusing, and flapping my lips over the entire thing didn't help. I think I remember one really confusing part where a young slut kisses The Crew on their cheeks and suddenly this allows them to have a bunch of money for no reason. They buy Rolex watches, etc. Then a bunch of other boring stuff happens. The movie ends with Joe Pesci singing some ridiculous song about being an old mobster. Also, I swear there was some Public Image Limited song in there but I could be making that up.
I fucked hated the Crew but in a way it made me more sad than angry. This is pretty much a dead genre and I can't imagine they're ever going to make another one of these. I would really like them to make one with Kirk Douglas, Harry Dean Stanton and a few other walking dead types. Maybe it can be about Grumpy Old Racecar Drivers or something, who knows.
All in all, fuck The Crew. Also, fuck Loose Cannons too. In case you don't know, that is a shitty buddy movie where Gene Hackman plays a badass cop who plays by his own rules and Dan Akroyd plays a schizophrenic cop who'se illness makes him act like Uncle Joey from Full House. I know that sounds sort of good but it was really annoying.
Long story short, the Crew let me down.
I should have realized that once Richard Dreyfuss started narrating that there was going to be a problem. His not-quite-Dreyfuss/not-quite-Goombah voice should sent me lunging for the "eject" button. The movie starts off confusing, with a long look at young versions of our geriatric heroes and their special abilities. (Fire, baseball bats, not talking.) They did not dub the actor's old man voices in like they did in "Space Cowboys" but maybe they should have. From there we see the "Crew" as adults, and they are bums. They are working at the morgue and Burger King (most uncomfortable fast food product placement since "Houseguest", by the way!) and not using any of their skills. Also, Seymour Cassel plays a character called "Mouth" or "Lips" or "Yapper" or some shit. His main skill is not talking.
WHAT THE FUCK, THE CREW! What kind of idiot gets Seymour Cassel and has him play a mute?! Also, there is a scene where he has sex with Jennifer Tilly (who is totally disgusting looking and not the ultimate babe I thought she was when I was 13) and he starts going on and on to her. You don't even get to hear him say any funny shit because Richard Dreyfuss is doing some stupid fuckin' narration through the entire scene. I figured he was going to start talking a lot and being hilarious, but this didn't happen at all. He stays stoic and quiet for the rest of the movie. Fuck you, The Crew.
There is a good part where Seymour Cassel dances because of the unwritten rule that if Seymour Cassel is in a movie he has to dance.
I spent most of the movie talking to my friends so I wasn't really following the plot after the first twenty minutes. The direction is really confusing, and flapping my lips over the entire thing didn't help. I think I remember one really confusing part where a young slut kisses The Crew on their cheeks and suddenly this allows them to have a bunch of money for no reason. They buy Rolex watches, etc. Then a bunch of other boring stuff happens. The movie ends with Joe Pesci singing some ridiculous song about being an old mobster. Also, I swear there was some Public Image Limited song in there but I could be making that up.
I fucked hated the Crew but in a way it made me more sad than angry. This is pretty much a dead genre and I can't imagine they're ever going to make another one of these. I would really like them to make one with Kirk Douglas, Harry Dean Stanton and a few other walking dead types. Maybe it can be about Grumpy Old Racecar Drivers or something, who knows.
All in all, fuck The Crew. Also, fuck Loose Cannons too. In case you don't know, that is a shitty buddy movie where Gene Hackman plays a badass cop who plays by his own rules and Dan Akroyd plays a schizophrenic cop who'se illness makes him act like Uncle Joey from Full House. I know that sounds sort of good but it was really annoying.