this is to matthew..
Matthew, you are my angel. I love you with all of my heart and my soul. I will be true to you until the very end. No matter what is thrown our way, I stick by and stay strong without letting go of the hold we have on eachother.
I was thinking... how medetation can also be like when you are dreaming. When you are dreaming your brain sometimes tries to rationalize your daily life or even passed experiences. It happened to me last nite. My passed experience came alive and confronted so bright and clear to me that it was right in front of my face. It was way too vivid for me to understand. I cant even describe it. But its about something I havent thought about in a while. This happened to me just last week as well, I had another very vivid dream confronting probably the two worst times in my life within the passed two weeks. But it is good because it helps me to come to terms with these disgusting forces that probably subconsciously lead to my aggrivated state of mind. I notice myself doing things I wouldnt have done if I wasnt in those situations. I dont want to repeat the actions of another person through me. Its sick.
I like learning about this medetation stuff. I want to do it again. I think I might start tomorrow. I am a very stressed out person. I just got rid of my car and now Im worried about transportation from work to school during late hours. I dont want to rely on everyone for rides because I do things myself, but I guess I have no choice if I want to keep my job. I cant wait to get another car eventually, it might take a while but whatever.
I was thinking about reincatnation today? For some reason, I feel like I am at my last stage in life. We were going over some things in my religions class that made me feel this way. First off, when you are at your last stage in the reincarnation cycle, you kind of know it. For example as far fetched as this sounds to most common folk, I knew I was alive before I was now, probably not even as one entity but maybe, two three or a thousand. I dont know, but I feel it in me. My stage I guess I am in now is just a stage in where I have everyones emotions and feelings all in me and they are released. Everyone else is just in limbo around me. I see people and just think that they arent even started yet. they are too caught up in the pettiest things in life, like watching Laguna Beach or what party to go to. They really dont take a look at the tangible beauty in nature around them or possess the feeling for knowing where they might be later on in life. I can see all of this. I can feel everything. I feel peoples suffering and pain. I see the beauty in all things regardless of the ugliness that tries to cloud them, I try to rationalize the things people do. Its all a cycle. Because I have finally taken in so much of the world in me... when Im gone, it will be released and I will become maybe another human or humans or maybe something else. I dont know. I guess it depends on where I stand after all of this. I dont think I am a bad person. I think I care way too much. I think I also get fed up with people way too easily because I dont feel most people think logically. They are just in it for themselves without thinking of others around them. Most people think I get weary or complain too much, but I think I just do it because it is one of the few outlets I have. I complain about important things, like human rights and why people are being murdered for a piece of wood from the rainforest in the Amazon... not because my mom and dad took away my credit card and I cant buy my new Louis Vuitton bag for 3094 dollars. But Im not always complaining and upset, I am happy and get a good laugh out of somet of the most ridiculous things in life, I am sarcastic and I love to make people smile. But sometimes life isnt always happy and cut and dry like most people think. Its an event that has to be valued in every regard. Mine for the most part is anger and complaining because Im using my assertions of the worlds pain and pulling it out through the words in my mouth, from my mind. It sounds ridiculous or maybe assanine to anyone reading this. But, the United States and globalized world is on a very dangerous incline into destroying this wonderful world we used to have for ourselves by manipulating the environment around us and using other peoples labor for our gains. Its wrong. Why couldnt we just stay the way we were, gathering and moving from place to play. I dont say hunting because there wasnt always hunting. The more advanced we get, the more stupid we get. We just destroy the beauty around us until it is gone. Those are the ones who will be trampled in the after life. When I think about the past, I recognize the places that seem so real to me, its like it was my home. I cry. I cry because I feel it in my heart. One day this will all be gone. But, I know when I come back, I wont be I.... I will be something more... everyone else will just be dust.
I was thinking... how medetation can also be like when you are dreaming. When you are dreaming your brain sometimes tries to rationalize your daily life or even passed experiences. It happened to me last nite. My passed experience came alive and confronted so bright and clear to me that it was right in front of my face. It was way too vivid for me to understand. I cant even describe it. But its about something I havent thought about in a while. This happened to me just last week as well, I had another very vivid dream confronting probably the two worst times in my life within the passed two weeks. But it is good because it helps me to come to terms with these disgusting forces that probably subconsciously lead to my aggrivated state of mind. I notice myself doing things I wouldnt have done if I wasnt in those situations. I dont want to repeat the actions of another person through me. Its sick.
I like learning about this medetation stuff. I want to do it again. I think I might start tomorrow. I am a very stressed out person. I just got rid of my car and now Im worried about transportation from work to school during late hours. I dont want to rely on everyone for rides because I do things myself, but I guess I have no choice if I want to keep my job. I cant wait to get another car eventually, it might take a while but whatever.
I was thinking about reincatnation today? For some reason, I feel like I am at my last stage in life. We were going over some things in my religions class that made me feel this way. First off, when you are at your last stage in the reincarnation cycle, you kind of know it. For example as far fetched as this sounds to most common folk, I knew I was alive before I was now, probably not even as one entity but maybe, two three or a thousand. I dont know, but I feel it in me. My stage I guess I am in now is just a stage in where I have everyones emotions and feelings all in me and they are released. Everyone else is just in limbo around me. I see people and just think that they arent even started yet. they are too caught up in the pettiest things in life, like watching Laguna Beach or what party to go to. They really dont take a look at the tangible beauty in nature around them or possess the feeling for knowing where they might be later on in life. I can see all of this. I can feel everything. I feel peoples suffering and pain. I see the beauty in all things regardless of the ugliness that tries to cloud them, I try to rationalize the things people do. Its all a cycle. Because I have finally taken in so much of the world in me... when Im gone, it will be released and I will become maybe another human or humans or maybe something else. I dont know. I guess it depends on where I stand after all of this. I dont think I am a bad person. I think I care way too much. I think I also get fed up with people way too easily because I dont feel most people think logically. They are just in it for themselves without thinking of others around them. Most people think I get weary or complain too much, but I think I just do it because it is one of the few outlets I have. I complain about important things, like human rights and why people are being murdered for a piece of wood from the rainforest in the Amazon... not because my mom and dad took away my credit card and I cant buy my new Louis Vuitton bag for 3094 dollars. But Im not always complaining and upset, I am happy and get a good laugh out of somet of the most ridiculous things in life, I am sarcastic and I love to make people smile. But sometimes life isnt always happy and cut and dry like most people think. Its an event that has to be valued in every regard. Mine for the most part is anger and complaining because Im using my assertions of the worlds pain and pulling it out through the words in my mouth, from my mind. It sounds ridiculous or maybe assanine to anyone reading this. But, the United States and globalized world is on a very dangerous incline into destroying this wonderful world we used to have for ourselves by manipulating the environment around us and using other peoples labor for our gains. Its wrong. Why couldnt we just stay the way we were, gathering and moving from place to play. I dont say hunting because there wasnt always hunting. The more advanced we get, the more stupid we get. We just destroy the beauty around us until it is gone. Those are the ones who will be trampled in the after life. When I think about the past, I recognize the places that seem so real to me, its like it was my home. I cry. I cry because I feel it in my heart. One day this will all be gone. But, I know when I come back, I wont be I.... I will be something more... everyone else will just be dust.