Taking a chance on love..??
So no one meets the love of their life in high school right? But what if you did? is that even possible? how do you know who the love of your life really is? To me, the love of your life is someone who love no matter what their faults are, no matter where they are in life. You just love this person no matter what. I realize now that I loved Chris, I just wasn't in love with him. When my dad passed away, some things were put into prospective and maybe thats why i wanted to see Ryan so bad, and why i didn't want Chris to meet Ryan. I dont know why i did the things i did, I dont think i will ever understand it, but i do know that Ryan has pretty much had my heart for a long time. Why the hell would i go to build a bear with my boyfriend get a monkey and then buy it a military outfit????
Ryan and I have always been flirty with each other, always joked about things and always gotten along so well. I remember there was one day where i was at chris watching the news, this was back right out of high school when I knew that he was going over seas, and They mentioned a solder had gotten killed over there and the guys first name was Ryan and I dont remember if they said the guys last name or not, but my heart stopped. one of the scariest moments of my life, A few minutes later they showed a picture and it wasn't the same Ryan, but It scared me. I dont know when i realized it was love, but it is. we dont have the best history or timing. I've heard from him that him and Amanda are gonna get a divorce 5 times and each time they end up wanting to try to work things out and he just disappears. This is where we stop talking, and the last time we stopped talking because they were working this out was also around the time he was going back overseas.. I dont understand why, but Ryan is the only person who can truly make me laugh when I'm sad, or make me realize that i'm being stupid, or difficult. He has my heart and yet I'm scared of allowing myself to be happy, I'm scared that he will just do what he always does and disappears..and then i'm left here with nothing..I couldn't stand it if he did that to me again, if he left completely, it may kill me, especially this last time. I dont think he fully understands the hold he has on me..and i dont know that he ever willl understand it. Its like, when I get a text from him, or when he calls me, it makes my day and no matter what I cant be in a bad mood, I have never had a guy be able to do that with me.. its why i'm so freaking scared to do this, so scared to acutally have a relationship with him, what if im not good enough? what if after the 8 or 9 year chase he gets me a realizes that he doesn't want me? what if i'm not good enough? what if everything he is saying is just to get what he wants and then he's gone again...I've lost people who are important to me, and I dont deal with losing people to well, so needless to say with his track record of just dropping off the face of the earth, I'm scared shitless. With how the rest of my life has gone, i'm scared that i will allow myself to be happy, and then the rug will be pulled out from under me.and i'll be left alone. He has told me he wants to be in a long term relationship with me..and that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. I guess my problem is i'm scared. I want to believe this since this is something that he's never told me before, not acutally said it the way it has been said, but I look at our history and its scary. It doesnt help that he's so far away and that he wont be here till december. Its like, i dont even know what we are...if right now we are anything. my heart and my head are at odds on this. I want to take a chance on all of this, but I dont want to get hurt. I told stephy last night that i feel like i should do this, that its a good thing, yet if i believe that why the hell am i so scared? he says that if he doesn't respond to text messages he's busy with work, its why we haven't talked in so long, but its one of those things, its scary as hell, i hate the fact that I have to wonder.
Ryan and I have always been flirty with each other, always joked about things and always gotten along so well. I remember there was one day where i was at chris watching the news, this was back right out of high school when I knew that he was going over seas, and They mentioned a solder had gotten killed over there and the guys first name was Ryan and I dont remember if they said the guys last name or not, but my heart stopped. one of the scariest moments of my life, A few minutes later they showed a picture and it wasn't the same Ryan, but It scared me. I dont know when i realized it was love, but it is. we dont have the best history or timing. I've heard from him that him and Amanda are gonna get a divorce 5 times and each time they end up wanting to try to work things out and he just disappears. This is where we stop talking, and the last time we stopped talking because they were working this out was also around the time he was going back overseas.. I dont understand why, but Ryan is the only person who can truly make me laugh when I'm sad, or make me realize that i'm being stupid, or difficult. He has my heart and yet I'm scared of allowing myself to be happy, I'm scared that he will just do what he always does and disappears..and then i'm left here with nothing..I couldn't stand it if he did that to me again, if he left completely, it may kill me, especially this last time. I dont think he fully understands the hold he has on me..and i dont know that he ever willl understand it. Its like, when I get a text from him, or when he calls me, it makes my day and no matter what I cant be in a bad mood, I have never had a guy be able to do that with me.. its why i'm so freaking scared to do this, so scared to acutally have a relationship with him, what if im not good enough? what if after the 8 or 9 year chase he gets me a realizes that he doesn't want me? what if i'm not good enough? what if everything he is saying is just to get what he wants and then he's gone again...I've lost people who are important to me, and I dont deal with losing people to well, so needless to say with his track record of just dropping off the face of the earth, I'm scared shitless. With how the rest of my life has gone, i'm scared that i will allow myself to be happy, and then the rug will be pulled out from under me.and i'll be left alone. He has told me he wants to be in a long term relationship with me..and that he loves me and isn't going anywhere. I guess my problem is i'm scared. I want to believe this since this is something that he's never told me before, not acutally said it the way it has been said, but I look at our history and its scary. It doesnt help that he's so far away and that he wont be here till december. Its like, i dont even know what we are...if right now we are anything. my heart and my head are at odds on this. I want to take a chance on all of this, but I dont want to get hurt. I told stephy last night that i feel like i should do this, that its a good thing, yet if i believe that why the hell am i so scared? he says that if he doesn't respond to text messages he's busy with work, its why we haven't talked in so long, but its one of those things, its scary as hell, i hate the fact that I have to wonder.