don't let me hear you say life's taking you nowhere...
second day at Outback-it's going well. meeting some cool people, making some goood money, feeling somewhat accomplished. it's just too bad I have a weight on my conscience preventing me from actually enjoying it. I wanna smoke a blunt!
I received an anonymous comment on my last post. I sincerely appreciate it. being called interesting means more to me than it should i suppose...i've felt so dull lately. i know i've said that a lot lately, and it's a prime example. honestly though I'm surprised anyone even reads this 8P
i wish i had a decent sleep schedule. the past two days i have literally done nothing but sleep and work. well maybe not literally. tomorrow is going to be the same. thursday I meet with my lawyer. i'm really hoping i'll come out of that appointment feeling optimistic about everything. In my dream world i'll tell him my situation and he'll tell me 1) since weed was found under the minor's seat (it was his) that the contributing charge will be dropped. 2) since my court date won't be until late August possibly early september, the issue will not have been resolved within a year, and the charge will get dropped on technicality. that will be a dream.
my dad mentioned the idea of me moving up to Penn. with him and his fiancee. he suggested I strongly consider it. change of scenery would be good, abundance of universities, and he'd get to be involved with my life. to be honest i can't think about moving, not with everything i have going on. then it's like he's starting a new chapter of his own life- building a(nother) family, progressing his career...it's not like I would be a burden, but...i would. he wouldn't mind it and may even prefer it, but I don't want to be included as a consideration for his decision making. should he turn the basement into a rec. room/hot tub area, or make a little apartment for me? should he start making payments on a sweet new BMW, or remain helping me keep up my old honda? maybe that's what i can tell him- that i would feel too much like a border despite our relationship. every time i even think about how i disappoint him i start to tear up. not because he's too much of a hardass, because i love him.
it's hard for me to make a decision with confidence and pride because i've fucked up so many times. this is why i want/need to get my life going. move in with my mom, consolidate bills, rebuild my relationship with her. start putting away a ton of money. start going to school again. can't i just tell the judge all this? what's their definition of "justice?"
anyway...i still believe in God. i just don't know if I like him anymore. this nigger made this amazing fucking universe, beautiful world, remarkable life, that somehow all works fucking perfectly beyond comprehension, and just lets it go to complete shit. allegedly gives us some book explaining how we're supposed take it from here? take for instance...a fish tank. you fill it with water, put all kinds of neat coral and plastic plants and playgrounds, rig a filter and automatic food dispenser to it, dump 2 beta fish in there and watch as the algae consumes everything, feces fill the water, and the fish die. clean your fucking tank! don't just kill all the fish off and buy new ones. anyway hopefully that's just despair talking.
to change the subject again...I think the Hulk was a decent movie up to the point where his father envyed Bruce's power. the internal struggle was sufficient..perhaps if they built up a hate against his father for killing his mother, then created a situation where his father was in danger (from the military or Athena) and Bruce had the choice of either contributing to his father's demise, or preventing it. which of course he would choose to prevent it, showing how he overcome his internal struggle and that he is a benign character to be viewed as a super hero. BAM! send me to Hollywood ;)
I received an anonymous comment on my last post. I sincerely appreciate it. being called interesting means more to me than it should i suppose...i've felt so dull lately. i know i've said that a lot lately, and it's a prime example. honestly though I'm surprised anyone even reads this 8P
i wish i had a decent sleep schedule. the past two days i have literally done nothing but sleep and work. well maybe not literally. tomorrow is going to be the same. thursday I meet with my lawyer. i'm really hoping i'll come out of that appointment feeling optimistic about everything. In my dream world i'll tell him my situation and he'll tell me 1) since weed was found under the minor's seat (it was his) that the contributing charge will be dropped. 2) since my court date won't be until late August possibly early september, the issue will not have been resolved within a year, and the charge will get dropped on technicality. that will be a dream.
my dad mentioned the idea of me moving up to Penn. with him and his fiancee. he suggested I strongly consider it. change of scenery would be good, abundance of universities, and he'd get to be involved with my life. to be honest i can't think about moving, not with everything i have going on. then it's like he's starting a new chapter of his own life- building a(nother) family, progressing his career...it's not like I would be a burden, but...i would. he wouldn't mind it and may even prefer it, but I don't want to be included as a consideration for his decision making. should he turn the basement into a rec. room/hot tub area, or make a little apartment for me? should he start making payments on a sweet new BMW, or remain helping me keep up my old honda? maybe that's what i can tell him- that i would feel too much like a border despite our relationship. every time i even think about how i disappoint him i start to tear up. not because he's too much of a hardass, because i love him.
it's hard for me to make a decision with confidence and pride because i've fucked up so many times. this is why i want/need to get my life going. move in with my mom, consolidate bills, rebuild my relationship with her. start putting away a ton of money. start going to school again. can't i just tell the judge all this? what's their definition of "justice?"
anyway...i still believe in God. i just don't know if I like him anymore. this nigger made this amazing fucking universe, beautiful world, remarkable life, that somehow all works fucking perfectly beyond comprehension, and just lets it go to complete shit. allegedly gives us some book explaining how we're supposed take it from here? take for instance...a fish tank. you fill it with water, put all kinds of neat coral and plastic plants and playgrounds, rig a filter and automatic food dispenser to it, dump 2 beta fish in there and watch as the algae consumes everything, feces fill the water, and the fish die. clean your fucking tank! don't just kill all the fish off and buy new ones. anyway hopefully that's just despair talking.
to change the subject again...I think the Hulk was a decent movie up to the point where his father envyed Bruce's power. the internal struggle was sufficient..perhaps if they built up a hate against his father for killing his mother, then created a situation where his father was in danger (from the military or Athena) and Bruce had the choice of either contributing to his father's demise, or preventing it. which of course he would choose to prevent it, showing how he overcome his internal struggle and that he is a benign character to be viewed as a super hero. BAM! send me to Hollywood ;)