(no subject)
I used to have so much to say for myself. It seems that is not the case so much these days…or that the way of expression, creating every day has trickled into other avenues. Perhaps I can crawl back into this warm, comforting place. It always is a shelter when I have little else to grasp. Yet I’ve come to peace with the greater conflicts in my life as of late. That might mean being a pathetic human being, sitting in the corner and crying softly for a few hours only a week ago. That might betray a strength too. Has it really taken 24 years to learn to fully love. Love my friends, my family, my lover? Is unconditional love really just being in love with love? Some may claim that nothing is selfless.
I know that I am doing better because I cannot sleep these nights. I’m back to my old habits and patterns instead of sleeping at all times. My focus I’m sharpening. The dog sleeps on my feet, twitching and the cat chases invisible insects across the tile. It was my father’s birthday today and he didn’t even let me hug him. I didn’t hug him today. I failed that way as a daughter. So the next day I change things, do better. I’ve started carrying around yet another little notebook with me…writing down all my mistakes, harmful thoughts in attempts at correction.
This self love business too? I’ve got to carry out my life with this person. It’s best to love her. She certainly needs it. What a strange head space to be in these days. I know nothing of what is to come. Blindness…so I’m relying on other senses…developing invisible antennae.
I know that I am doing better because I cannot sleep these nights. I’m back to my old habits and patterns instead of sleeping at all times. My focus I’m sharpening. The dog sleeps on my feet, twitching and the cat chases invisible insects across the tile. It was my father’s birthday today and he didn’t even let me hug him. I didn’t hug him today. I failed that way as a daughter. So the next day I change things, do better. I’ve started carrying around yet another little notebook with me…writing down all my mistakes, harmful thoughts in attempts at correction.
This self love business too? I’ve got to carry out my life with this person. It’s best to love her. She certainly needs it. What a strange head space to be in these days. I know nothing of what is to come. Blindness…so I’m relying on other senses…developing invisible antennae.