"Be Present" (I think einstein said something about this once)
For quite some time now, I've missed the past far to much to enjoy the present or even have hope for the future. Some of it is childhood related but I don't dwell on that as much as I do the more recent past. It doesn't really makes sense when I think about it, for example, I'll say, 3 - 5 years ago. Nothing really exciting was going on. I was spending my life in a lab in front of a computer with the same familiar faces every day. I was still living at home, as were some of my friends. The idea of the I phone was still futuristic and far too expensive idea. This was before facebook and myspace took off and at one point I didn't even have a drivers license and my parents still kept track of me. (see a pattern? I was a late bloomer)...I also went through several stagnant relationships during that time.
Sometimes I need to produce theories for the way my brain works because I can't even figure it out with clarity on the first try. I think a lot of this dwell has to do with my not being comfortable with how things played out. Maybe I thought I'd be somewhere else, still close to the same people and situations? I miss working on a large project, knowing I could to go one place where everyone I socialized with were also stressing through large protects.....we kept each other going. Everyone has since moved on, out of this city, out of this state, out of this country....but I'm still here, not sure why. I blame myself at times for not having what it takes to move forward like others did...
I think I was in tears the night I received my masters degree, partially because I got so far academically after struggling through public school and being told that I shouldn't aim so high, so far out of my reach. That wasn't it though, that was only part of it. The other reason was because that was the moment when everything that has changed, was set in stone for me. I'm a grown up now and completely by myself.
Sometimes I need to produce theories for the way my brain works because I can't even figure it out with clarity on the first try. I think a lot of this dwell has to do with my not being comfortable with how things played out. Maybe I thought I'd be somewhere else, still close to the same people and situations? I miss working on a large project, knowing I could to go one place where everyone I socialized with were also stressing through large protects.....we kept each other going. Everyone has since moved on, out of this city, out of this state, out of this country....but I'm still here, not sure why. I blame myself at times for not having what it takes to move forward like others did...
I think I was in tears the night I received my masters degree, partially because I got so far academically after struggling through public school and being told that I shouldn't aim so high, so far out of my reach. That wasn't it though, that was only part of it. The other reason was because that was the moment when everything that has changed, was set in stone for me. I'm a grown up now and completely by myself.