Quuer as Folk- Commitment- Part One
After finding his seat in the first class section, Brian Kinney sat down and placed the roses he had bought on an impulse on the seat next to him. Sighing, he looked out of the rain spattered airplane window, questioned himself again on whether or not he should be flying to New York. Brian Kinney was not known for self-reflection, or at least, didn’t make a habit of it. Justin had asked him to go to his first gallery opening. So he was going. That’s what lovers and partners did and Brian would not let Justin down, even if it did make him queasy.
He had long since stopped questioning himself about his love for Justin. He just did. It was not something that he had to question anymore. The war he had raged against himself and his feelings was long over. Justin was the most important person in his life other than his son, Gus. He just was.
It had been over six months since they had seen each other. Before they had parted, Brian had told Justin that it didn’t matter if they saw each other the next weekend, the next month, or never again. It was only time. But Brian knew that time could kill the most heated of passions. It killed him to think that things would never be the same between them since their circumstances had changed again, and that Justin may not need him anymore.
Luckily, Justin was an excellent at long distance relationships. He made a point to call Brian at least twice a day. They usually talked during Brian’s lunch. Over the months they had gotten particularly good at phone sex. Justin also left daily messages on Brian’s voice mail for when he came home at night. These messages were often brief, sometimes just a few words. I love you or I miss you. Buy bread, you’re almost out.
As hard as Brian tried not to, he had begun to expect those messages. The fear that some day the messages would suddenly stop was paralyzing and occasionally, Brian thought about telling Justin to stop calling altogether; that they had to move on. The cynic in him constantly beat a path to the door of his mind, telling him to lash out; to rage at Justin for leaving him for his dream of being part of the art scene of New York. But he fought against those impulses. He had told Justin to go. He wanted the younger man to be everything that he could. The urge to love Justin made it impossible to do anything that might hurt him. Justin had pulled down all of Brian’s walls of selfishness and indifference and had forced him to realize what was important in his life. The battle was over. Justin had won. While Brian had helped Justin be the best Homosexual he could be, Justin had made Brian a better man.
Although he was not prone to small romantic gestures, Brian had sent Justin several care packages. The first included roach traps, canned soup, and bottled water. These items were a tongue-in-cheek response to Justin’s descriptions of his studio apartment. Later, he had sent the younger man art supplies with the simply scrawled note stating for Justin to paint him something pretty. When Justin had sent him a small self-portrait Brian had it framed.
“Those are awfully pretty flowers. Are you bringing them to someone special?” The attractive fight attendant asked him interrupting his brooding. Over the years, she had become used to obviously rich, high-powered, good-looking men traveling to New York City. But there was something about this man sitting in section D that made her insides twist. She had noticed him when he boarded the plane. It wasn’t often that she felt flustered by a passenger, but there was something about this man that oozed extra sex appeal. There was something that made you want to do everything you could in order to please him. His dark bedroom eyes held yours till you thought that you’d drown in them. Oh yes. This was a man that was good looking and knew it, but wasn’t using it to his advantage at the current moment. Unfortunately for her, she thought.
“I’m sorry?” Brian asked, not hearing her question.
“Your flowers. They’re very pretty. They must be for someone special.”
With a shake of his head, Brian smiled at her. “Yes. He is.”
The flight attendant sighed. What a waste. Why did all the perfect ones have to be Gay? She smiled at him and then asked, “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Beam straight. Thank you,” he replied after a moment’s hesitation. He hoped that the scotch would do something for his nerves. Christ, he thought, has it really come to this? What had become of the Teflon Brian Kinney? The one who didn’t give a shit about what people thought, or their feelings? Before, Brian would have mocked everything, including himself, for the nerves. Being nervous made you weak and stupid. It made you make bad decisions, and if you were going to make bad decisions, at least make them for the right reasons.
Nodding, the flight attendant went to get Brian his drink. When she came back, she smiled again at him and handed him a crystal glass filled with the amber liquid.
“Here you are sir. We’ll be departing in a moment. Is there anything else I can get you?” She asked hopefully. A girl could dream, she thought.
“No. This is fine,” he said looking up at her. He gave her a dismissive half smile. He could tell that she was interested in him. He always could, but tonight, with so much at stake, he wasn’t willing to play. With Justin on his mind, he didn’t have time for straight women or flirtations.
“Sure thing. Let me know if you change your mind. We’ll be departing shortly.”
Brian nodded again and then contemplated the amber liquid in his glass. He was not particularly fond of the beverage, but he drank it down quickly. He could feel the plane start to push back from the gate and half listened to the pilot asking for the attendants to make the cabin ready. There was no turning back now. He was leaving Pittsburgh, and in less than two hours, he would be in New York City. In less than four he would be with Justin again. Closing his eyes, he let his mind drift over some of his memories of Justin and their life together.
He thought back to the first night they were together. Brian had been under the influence, and Justin had been underage. Gus had been born that night. It never stopped amazing him that Justin had named his son. That even if they hadn’t gotten together, Justin still would have left a mark on his life in some way.
Brian then thought about Justin’s prom. How beautiful it had been to dance with him under the hot lights of the dance floor. How amazing not to have to hide who they were, to shock all of the homophobes at the high school.
With a wince, Brian remembered seeing Justin’s bashing. Watching his lover’s head be hit with a baseball bat and seeing him fall to the ground was something that he hadn’t been able to forget. The horror foiled the beauty of the night as perfectly. That night, he hadn’t known if Justin was going to live. God, what a terrible waste that would have been, he thought. The damage to the blonde’s hand still was something that he lived with.
Brian knew that Justin still struggled with physical therapy exercises and that sometimes it still hurt him to paint. That was part of why the gallery opening was so important. It wasn’t just to show a brilliant young artist’s talent. It was to also show his triumph. Brian felt the pride swell in his chest. It was one more reason that Brian loved him.
*
Then Brian thought about other times that they had had together. He thought about their arguments. Arguing was the third best thing that they did together. He could barely count how many times that they had broken up and then gotten back together. Justin was his bad penny. No matter how hard Brian had pushed him, Justin hadn't backed down or caved in. It had even been him who had broken up with Brian the first time. Darkly, Brian thought about Ethan, the violinist Justin had left him for briefly. But even after Justin had left, he was still there. Random clothes somehow in a bedroom drawer, his shampoo in the shower, or art books on the bookshelves. Justin had made is mark over the years in Brian’s home, as well as his life.
They had been together during their darkest moments. He thought about when he had gotten sick with testicular cancer. Brian had done his best to push Justin away. He had even gone so far as to throw Justin out of the loft. But after a day of putting up with Brian’s bullshit, Justin had come back, with a vengeance. Weak and sick from the cancer treatments, Brian had come home to find Justin making him soup. Brian had raged and there had been a struggle. Justin yelled at him for shutting him out, telling him that having a ball removed was the least of his imperfections- that they had a commitment. Brian finally got the message. He had gone to bed, ate the soup, and finally let Justin take care of him. Brian understood then that he wasn’t protecting Justin by shutting him out. He was only taking his choices away. Brian liked to consider it a moment of clarity.
The bombing of Babylon had been another clarifying moment for Brian. He had been on his way to the airport when he heard the report over the radio. An unknown assailant had bombed the club during a fundraising concert. The reporter barked over the airwaves that there was no way of telling how many were dead or alive and that there were many people injured. Brian had been terrified. All of his friends, his family, had been there. His best friend, Michael and his partner, Ben, Teddy, Emmett, Deb, and Gus’ mothers, Melanie and Lindsay had all told him that they were going. But worse so had Justin. Quickly he had the driver turn around and head back towards Liberty Avenue.
When he got to Babylon he was embraced by chaos. Police cars and ambulances filled the area with their lights flashing. In his search for Justin, he thought for sure that he would never see the younger man again. Never hold him again; never tell him how important that he was. But then Brian had found Justin covered with dirt and debris, his face scratched and bloodied. They embraced letting all of their issues had fall away. All that mattered was that Justin was safe. Later that night, amidst the ruins of the club that they had all loved so dearly, Brian had told Justin that he loved him for the first time. It was a monumental declaration, one that could only be done after a monumental event.
The plane jostled with turbulence briefly, breaking his thoughts and making Brian aware of his surroundings once more. There were several others in first class with him closest to him was a good-looking man looked intensely at a spreadsheet and an over weight woman turned the page of the romance novel that she was reading. From her flush, he could tell she was at a particularly juicy spot. Props, Brain thought. Everybody needs a prop. He looked down at his own, the roses he had bought for Justin. He had never bought Justin flowers before, unless he counted their wedding flowers.
Justin had wanted some Asian flowers, something to bring them luck, or fidelity, or some shit like that. Brian had wanted him to get whatever he wanted. Justin had agreed to marry him and that was all that mattered. Brian had meant it when he told Justin that he would do anything, say anything, or be anything that Justin wanted. He had almost lost Justin to a bashing and then to a bombing. He had almost lost him due to his own stupid fears. Brian was not about to chance losing him forever, even if it did mean giving up parts of himself that he held most dear. Brian thought of it as a worthy cause.
But Justin hadn’t. It had been Justin who had instigated their discussion that had lead to their engagement ending. In the end, they decided that Justin should move to New York, and Brian should stay in Pittsburgh. Justin had told him that they didn’t need rings, or vows to prove that they loved each other. Brian had understood, but kept the rings. Occasionally, he wore his on his right hand much like he still wore the Mexican shell bracelet that Michael had given him when they were teenagers.
He had chosen not to wear his ring tonight. He had not wanted to seem too sentimental. His sentimentality had its limits. He reached over and picked up the roses to better study them. They were deep red and perfect like expensive roses should be, their smell rich and fragrant. He thought about what Justin would look like when he gave them to him. Suddenly, his nerves came back. What if Justin didn’t want them or thought that they were a stupid gesture? What if had only asked to come out of pity or because he had invited everyone else? Brian knew he was being foolish. Nervously, he bit his lip.
The captain came on the intercom to tell them that they were going to have some delay due to the weather, that when they got closer to New York, they would have to go into a holding pattern. Brian winced when the captain said that there could be up to an hour wait. He was already pushing the time limit as it was, choosing to stay at the office until an important client had left. The meeting had run on and on until his trusted secretary, Cynthia, told him that if he wanted to make it to the airport on time he had better fly and let her handle the rest of the client’s needs. Teddy, who was also invited to Justin’s opening, also had already left two days before, wanting a weekend away with his lover, Blake.
Justin had invited everyone from their group of friends to come, and most had agreed. Michael and Ben had brought their son, Hunter, the day before so that they could show Hunter the city and look at colleges. Deb and her live-in-boyfriend, Carl Hovath had gone with them, Deb saying that there was “no fuckin’ way” that she was going to miss “Sunshine’s night.” Even Emmett was attending with his new boyfriend, Calvin. The fabulously Gay man joking that he had always wanted to go back to Queens.
The only ones not attending were Melanie and Lindsay. They were still confined to Canada until their citizenship was processed. Brian was sorry for that since it meant not seeing Gus, even though he had seen him only a few weeks prior when a business trip took him to Toronto.
The delay was nothing short of terrible timing. He had planned on getting there fashionably late, but now it seemed like he might be very fashionable. As much as Brian was nervous about attending, he was even more upset about possibly letting Justin down.
Looking at the seat in front of him, he pulled the hook holding an on-board telephone. Reading the directions quickly he followed them and punched in the number to Justin’s cell phone.
As he expected, Justin’s voice mail picked up instead of the blonde himself.
“Hey this is Justin. Make it short and simple,” the voice message said.
“Justin. It’s Brian. I’m in the air, but it looks like there’s going to be a delay. I’ll get there when I can. Save some champagne for me,” Brian said after a pause.
Brian hung up the phone and placed it back to holder. Putting his head back against the seat, he closed his eyes. There was nothing that he could do to make the plane land any sooner. There was nothing that he could do if Justin had changed. The only thing that he could do was wait.
*
The plane jostled again, the turbulence becoming more aggressive. Brian kept his eyes closed and tried to slow his breathing. Patience was not a virtue in the world of Kinney. He was a man who liked getting what he wanted, when he wanted it, and at the moment he wanted to be on the fucking ground. He wanted to be with Justin. When the pilot announced a further delay he thought that he’d scream.
When the plane finally was able to land, almost three hours later than it normally would have, Brian jumped from his seat and twisted to open the overhead compartment for his overnight bag. Impatiently, Brian tried to push his way off the plane. He had to get out of there. As it was, he was going to miss most of the opening. That was bad enough.
“Excuse me! Mister! You forgot something,” called a voice behind him. Twisting his head around, he looked at back. The overweight woman with the romance novel held up the roses he had forgotten.
“You don’t want to leave those,” she said with a flirtatious smile.
“No,” he said hurriedly, “ I wouldn’t. Thanks.”
The woman smiled again. She wondered briefly what it would be like for the person receiving the roses from such a handsome man. Ridiculously romantic she was sure.
Brain nodded at the woman before turning back and exiting the plane. Every instinct in his body was screaming. Go! Racing up the tunnel and past the gate, he fought the crowds. The sea of bodies ebbed and flowed, each trying to get where they needed to go without caring if the got into somebody else’s way, if they made somebody else late.
Brian hurtled himself to the exit, his bag and the roses, held tightly in his hands. The rain howled around the taxis waiting for the people leaving the airport. The rain began to soak him also, leaving his skin cold and clammy. Still holding onto the roses, he used his hand to flip his now damp hair back from his face to better look into an empty cab nearest to him. Opening the door, he tossed his bag in and threw himself and the roses in next. Slamming the door, he quickly gave the driver the address and told him if he wanted any kind of tip he’s better get a move on.
“Such a rush!” The cabbie muttered under his breath, “Everyone is always in such a rush.”
Brian ignored him and took out his cell phone. There were several missed call messages waiting for him. He scrolled down the list of numbers recognizing all of them. The first was Michael’s cell, and the second was from Ted. The third was from the office. There was no call from Justin. Damn. Brain bit his lip again and hit the button on the phone to listen to his voice mail.
Michael’s voice came on first, party noises in the background, “Damn it Brian! Where the fuck are you? The gallery opening’s started! If you have decided at the last minute to bail… well, it would be pretty shitty, even for you. You’d better call me.”
Sighing, Brian deleted his best friend’s message and listened to the next one. Ted’s voice came on worried and fierce, “Hey Brian, it’s Ted. Just wondering where the hell you are. Justin’s here. Everybody’s here. We’re all thinking that you’ve gone to Ibiza again or something… Cynthia said that you went to the airport… call us, okay?”
Not wanting to deal with work issues, Brian closed his cell phone to hang it up. With a thought, he opened it back and hit the speed dial for Justin’s cell. Impatiently, he listened to the rings only to hear the blonde’s voice mail pick up again. Why didn’t he answer? It wasn’t like him not to have his cell with him. Tersely, Brian spoke into the phone when the tone sounded.
“I’m on my way,” he said and hung up the phone.
“How much longer till we get there?” Brian asked with a clipped tone.
“With this traffic and weather? You’re looking at almost an hour, may be more.”
“Shit!” Brian cried. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his silver lighter from his jacket pocket. Quickly, he lit the cigarette dragging on it quickly, letting the smoke fill his lungs. Miserably, he thought of disappointing Justin. He breathed out the smoke, trying to let it relax him more. It didn’t work.
“You know those things will kill you,” the cabbie said, his accent thick, pronouncing ‘you’ like ‘ya.’ The man looked at Brian through the rearview mirror. He made no mention of the large “thank you for not smoking” sign posted on the panel separating them. He knew this type of man, and knew that he wouldn’t think that the sign applied to him. He figured that the argument wasn’t worth losing a tip over it.
“I can only hope so,” Brian replied sourly, then pulling another drag. He’d be damned before he let some stranger lecture him on smoking or anything else. He did what he wanted, when he wanted. He was Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake. He took another drag and then another, before rolling down his window and tossing the cigarette butt out.
He contemplated calling Michael or Ted, but then thought against it. They had already been willing to believe that he wasn’t coming, that he was going to willingly let Justin down by not showing. He had called Justin that was what mattered. He wouldn’t call again. Brian had to believe that he still had some standards for himself, even if he was feeling vulnerable.
Brian turned his head and looked out of the rain-covered window. He wondered about the different pieces of art that Justin would have on display. Justin had always downplayed his work, not wanting to talk about it, not even when he had been given a rave review in an important art magazine. The small gallery opening had been no exception, which was why Brian had known it was so important.
Brian thought back momentarily to the first time he had seen something that Justin had made. It had been in an exhibit for the Gay and Lesbian Center, a charcoal drawing of Brian sleeping naked. The image had been lovingly done, with no part of his body left out. Hard angles, and flat planes were met with shadow and light, captured forever in a youthful interpretation. Brian had bought the image and placed it in his loft.
“How much longer?” Brian asked the driver suddenly.
“Not much farther. This rain isn’t helping. Keep your pants on.”
Brian thought about saying something sarcastic to the man, but held his tongue. He combed his fingers through his hair again. This unending trip, to get to Justin was about to be over. He would know soon if they still had a real chance together. He would know soon if they were both just kidding themselves.
Finally, the cab came to a stop. Digging into his pocket, Brian pulled a wad of cash out, and after quickly counting it, tossed it at the driver through the window. Again, he stepped into the rain, and pulling his bag and the roses with him. His stomach knotted as he walked quickly to the building that held the gallery.
Light poured through the tall floor length windows. Brian squinted his eyes a looked at the posters advertising the opening. There was Justin Taylor. Brian studied the picture for a second, taking in Justin’s slightly sharper features. He had grown his hair out again the way Brian like it best. Under his name was the name of the show: Commitment. Brian sucked in his breath and read the show’s name again. Not willing to wait anymore, he stepped to the glass door and pulled it open.
The small room was filled with people buzzing and moving from painting to painting. Brian scanned the crowd. Immediately, he saw Michael and Ben, talking with Hunter. He saw Emmett flirting with Calvin over a drink, and Teddy with Blake. Spotting Debbie quickly by her bright red hair, he then saw Justin.
Justin had his back to the door, his faced tilted to better hear something that Debbie was saying to him. Brian caught her eye. Noticing her eye movement to something behind him, Justin turned. Instantly, he beamed at Brian and started towards him. Brian dropped the roses and his bag with a thud and went to embrace his lover.