Letters.
I originally planned to write three letters - dear Bella, dear Edward, and dear Jacob. dear Bella came to me quite easily, and I was quickly pleased with it. dear Edward took longer to get into Bella's head, but I think I got there eventually and I'm mostly happy with it. However, when I tried to write dear Jacob it just felt too forced, and like there isn't actually all that much that Edward could - or perhaps would - share with Jacob to further the mini-story. dear Jacob might arrive one day, but for now it's just the other two.
I'd love honest and helpful feedback to help me learn which bits work well and which bits desperately need changing.
~ ~ ~
dear Bella,
Do you realise what an empty shell you’ve become?
I know that when he left, you just shut down completely. But Bella, he’s not coming back, and you need to find a way to carry on without him around. You just sit there, hardly saying a word, with your fake smile pasted across your lips. As time’s gone on you’ve learnt how to do just enough to stop most people worrying. You answer questions, and you remember that you’re meant to ask your own every now and then. Can you remember what you’ve actually spoken to anyone about, though? Anyone apart from me? You’ve become this robot that knows when to laugh, knows how often she has to socialise so she doesn’t become an outcast, but you’ll never choose to spend a second longer than necessary with anyone. Anyone but me.
I told you I’d wait, that I’d be here for you in whatever way you need me. I think, though, that it’s got to the point where I’m doing more harm than good. You’re comfortable with me, and I love that - Bella, I love you - but I’m slowly realising that you’re hiding in our friendship. Don’t tell me everything’s alright and you’re happy. I saw the catatonic state you were in when he left, and I like to think I helped to ease you out of it, but it seems like I’ve done all I can. I can only apologise for sticking around longer than you needed me. It was selfish, and I can’t justify it for any longer. When you kissed me... it was everything I dreamed of, but nothing like what I wanted. I know you did it for me, but you need to learn to live your life for yourself again. You’ve settled for me as the half-way point, and I don’t think it’s good for either of us anymore. It’s killing me to be this close to you but living in the knowledge that I’ll never have all of you. I’m living in his shadow because he’s still got a part of you, and you’re refusing to let go of him. As long as you’re relying on me to hold you together you don’t need to face everything that’s happened. But Bella, eventually you will need to face it.
I hope that by me leaving, you’ll grow stronger on your own. I’m sorry that I can’t be who you need me to be, but as long as you’re convincing yourself that he’s the only one who can make you whole, I can’t help you.
Take some time to find yourself again, Bella. Once you’ve done that, come and find me.
Love always,
your Jake x
~ ~ ~
dear Edward,
It's almost been a year since that day in the woods. The day when you finally realised I wasn't good enough for you. I'd say it was the last day I saw you, but that wouldn't be true because your memory haunted me for months afterwards. I doubt you remember the words between us, but they’ve stayed with me in an unfair clarity. I told you that if you were leaving because of an obsession with my soul, then you should take it, because I wouldn’t want it without you. You refused, as I knew you would, but there was still a part of me that went with you. I don't know if you even thought of me at all after you left, but I was never fully here. A part of my consciousness was constantly thinking of you, wishing you were here, wishing you hadn't strung me along for the time we were together, because it made it so much harder when you left. If I was never good enough for you then why did you even bother with me in the start? Did you think it would be funny to see how long I'd believe that someone like you could actually care for me?
I wish you could have seen what a mess I was once you left. It wouldn’t have mattered that you can’t read my mind like everyone else’s, because for the first couple of months there wasn’t even anything to read. People get their hearts broken by their first crushes all the time, but you’d tried so hard to convince me that we were the real deal, and just when I was starting to believe you, you were gone. Without you, I became nothing.
Do you know what the worst part of all this is though, Edward? You left me broken, so empty yet full of darkness, and Jacob stayed by me. He was there through every moment, holding me together in a way nobody else managed to, and he never asked for anything in return. He never once pushed me to do anything, to even say anything. He was so patient with me, but it still wasn’t enough. I tried to feel something for him. He deserved it for everything he’d done, and I wanted so much to be able to give him it all. I don’t think he ever told anyone, but I kissed him once. I thought that maybe if I just tried it, maybe I’d start to feel something, maybe I could give him what he wanted, and maybe he could fix me. Because of you, Edward, I used the one friend that had stuck by me when I wasn’t worth knowing. Because of you, I managed to break him too. Because of you, I have never been more alone.
I hate loving you.
Bella.
I'd love honest and helpful feedback to help me learn which bits work well and which bits desperately need changing.
~ ~ ~
dear Bella,
Do you realise what an empty shell you’ve become?
I know that when he left, you just shut down completely. But Bella, he’s not coming back, and you need to find a way to carry on without him around. You just sit there, hardly saying a word, with your fake smile pasted across your lips. As time’s gone on you’ve learnt how to do just enough to stop most people worrying. You answer questions, and you remember that you’re meant to ask your own every now and then. Can you remember what you’ve actually spoken to anyone about, though? Anyone apart from me? You’ve become this robot that knows when to laugh, knows how often she has to socialise so she doesn’t become an outcast, but you’ll never choose to spend a second longer than necessary with anyone. Anyone but me.
I told you I’d wait, that I’d be here for you in whatever way you need me. I think, though, that it’s got to the point where I’m doing more harm than good. You’re comfortable with me, and I love that - Bella, I love you - but I’m slowly realising that you’re hiding in our friendship. Don’t tell me everything’s alright and you’re happy. I saw the catatonic state you were in when he left, and I like to think I helped to ease you out of it, but it seems like I’ve done all I can. I can only apologise for sticking around longer than you needed me. It was selfish, and I can’t justify it for any longer. When you kissed me... it was everything I dreamed of, but nothing like what I wanted. I know you did it for me, but you need to learn to live your life for yourself again. You’ve settled for me as the half-way point, and I don’t think it’s good for either of us anymore. It’s killing me to be this close to you but living in the knowledge that I’ll never have all of you. I’m living in his shadow because he’s still got a part of you, and you’re refusing to let go of him. As long as you’re relying on me to hold you together you don’t need to face everything that’s happened. But Bella, eventually you will need to face it.
I hope that by me leaving, you’ll grow stronger on your own. I’m sorry that I can’t be who you need me to be, but as long as you’re convincing yourself that he’s the only one who can make you whole, I can’t help you.
Take some time to find yourself again, Bella. Once you’ve done that, come and find me.
Love always,
your Jake x
~ ~ ~
dear Edward,
It's almost been a year since that day in the woods. The day when you finally realised I wasn't good enough for you. I'd say it was the last day I saw you, but that wouldn't be true because your memory haunted me for months afterwards. I doubt you remember the words between us, but they’ve stayed with me in an unfair clarity. I told you that if you were leaving because of an obsession with my soul, then you should take it, because I wouldn’t want it without you. You refused, as I knew you would, but there was still a part of me that went with you. I don't know if you even thought of me at all after you left, but I was never fully here. A part of my consciousness was constantly thinking of you, wishing you were here, wishing you hadn't strung me along for the time we were together, because it made it so much harder when you left. If I was never good enough for you then why did you even bother with me in the start? Did you think it would be funny to see how long I'd believe that someone like you could actually care for me?
I wish you could have seen what a mess I was once you left. It wouldn’t have mattered that you can’t read my mind like everyone else’s, because for the first couple of months there wasn’t even anything to read. People get their hearts broken by their first crushes all the time, but you’d tried so hard to convince me that we were the real deal, and just when I was starting to believe you, you were gone. Without you, I became nothing.
Do you know what the worst part of all this is though, Edward? You left me broken, so empty yet full of darkness, and Jacob stayed by me. He was there through every moment, holding me together in a way nobody else managed to, and he never asked for anything in return. He never once pushed me to do anything, to even say anything. He was so patient with me, but it still wasn’t enough. I tried to feel something for him. He deserved it for everything he’d done, and I wanted so much to be able to give him it all. I don’t think he ever told anyone, but I kissed him once. I thought that maybe if I just tried it, maybe I’d start to feel something, maybe I could give him what he wanted, and maybe he could fix me. Because of you, Edward, I used the one friend that had stuck by me when I wasn’t worth knowing. Because of you, I managed to break him too. Because of you, I have never been more alone.
I hate loving you.
Bella.