Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.
Today on Facebook, an acquaintance of mine posted that he wants to start running. He talked a bit about some specific goals. It was a very positive, upbeat sort of status update. One of his followers responded with a comment that amounted to, "I wish I could run. My knee can't take the repeated stress." That comment annoyed me. It took my friend's
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My boyfriend and I have been talking about the future a bit recently, and he's confessed that he isn't sure he wants more kids (he has four, had a vasectomy almost five years ago, but had initially told me that if he met the right woman, he'd consider a reversal and having more kids - as the reason he HAD the vasectomy was because pregnancy was hell for his ex-wife and she almost died after having their last kid). He's always wanted a large family... Hell, on the personals site I met him on (OKCupid), he answered the question on how many kids he wanted with 5 or more.
I want kids. Badly. And right now, I'm torn. I'll be 35 in August. Never married, no kids. I met my boyfriend last fall and he is right for me in every way... except that since we started dating, he's changed his mind on having more kids. So I'm torn between staying with the man I love and giving up my dream of having kids; or leaving him and hoping that I find another person that fits with me as well as he does but that wants (more) children. And the way I see it right now, is that if we stay together one of us will end up resenting the other... Either me resenting him for making me give up my dream of having children (all while watching him raise his four children with his ex-wife), or him resenting me for "forcing" him into having another child. All made so much more difficult because we'd talked about having kids together, about needing a bigger house than what either of us has right now. But if we split up, I feel like he'll always be "the one that got away" and that I'll compare other men to him, and they won't measure up. No matter what I do, I face heartbreak. And it sucks.
To add to it, I know three or four women that have given birth in the last month. Two of them in the last five days. So my FB feed is filled with adorable photos of tiny babies. And three of my closest friends are either trying to start a family now, planning to start trying later this year, or just told me that they will be starting the process of a domestic adoption this fall.
And now I've turned your blog into my own pity party. I'm sorry. This was a really long and convoluted way of telling you that I hear you, and I'm sorry. I know how much it sucks.
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The best I can counsel is, of course, to be completely honest with the boyfriend about your feelings. If he's the right one, then he'll want to be part of this decision with you, and supporting you no matter what -- even if it's not an easy choice for either of you.
Much love,
T.
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