Oh Louis, always whining...

[traceroo]

I am actively procrastinating right now. I should be working on my final paper for my Legal Research class; it's worth 25% of my total grade. I had three weeks to work on it, and I blew off the first two. It'll be a whopper of a topic, too -- researching case law on airline liability when a commercial flight crashes due to pilot negligence.

Comments

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[sans_peur]

I feel you. I have had (more than one) successful career, I own my own house, a lot of things come "easy" to me (read: I work my ass off and happen to be naturally inclined towards an odd assortment of things), but I have no baby. For a cluster of years, about the time most of my sensible-lifed friends were doing baby making things or relationships-that-eventually-would-make-baby making things, I was remembering I'd been molested as a kid, and coming to the realization that I will never know for sure by whom, and I had to just grow the fuck up past it. But during that time, there was no way in hell I was bringing a kid into this world. About the time I got my head straight on that, I did the most massively life avoiding thing I've ever done: I bought NERO Mass. I was 32? 33? It became my second full time job. I spent seven years doing that instead of having normal human relationships that lead to the aforementioned potential baby making things. As I headed towards 40 I even looked into freezing eggs (not viable unless fertilized, which I could have done) but decided NERO-crazy plus 6 months of hormone meds was a psychosis I didn't need. By the time I got rid of NERO, I was your age and still no baby, much less a relationship to consider having one. I'm 46 now, no partner in sight, no way I'm raising a kid alone, and ever period is a countdown to never. Meanwhile, my oldest friend finally got pregnant after 5 attempts at in vitro (at age 45). I'm a horrible friend - I can barely talk to her about it, though I will do my utmost to be a fantastic auntie, because this kid will need it. People ask if I will adopt: I won't. I also am selfish enough to know I can't/won't be able to do it alone. Blessings on people who do - I just need a kid made of me. (If I found a partner with kids already, I would, if he [and they] wanted it.) I love kids, and I would grow a pretty cool one, I think. It's part of why I went into teaching...if I'm not a parent, I can at least be in loco for a few.

I get it.

Make the call, Trace. I'm calling you on something: I get the scared, but there's no lazy in it. There's avoidance. Call it what it is. What happens if you try and fail anyhow is a pretty overwhelming thought. What if you don't actually want a baby but just the idea of a baby is another scary thought. But the truth is, medicine rocks these days, and you'll never know for sure until you at least get it moving. The only way to the other side is through.

Hugs.

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[traceroo]

You're awesome. :) Thanks for the long-distance hug by way of your heartfelt words (or tink of the glasses, however you wish to memorialize it in metaphor). I appreciate knowing that you understand what it's like to be in this boat -- and I appreciate the boot in the ass!

It's avoidance -- maybe a little laziness! I keep hoping, "This month is the month!" and it's not necessary... but after eight months, that sure rings hollow. I'm not afraid that I don't really want a baby; I'm good with that decision. I'm mostly afraid of some sort of brand of FAILURE YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FAILURE AS A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD AND DRIED UP MIGHT AS WELL BOTTLE YOURSELF AS A LICHE YOU OLD BAG... ya know. Like ya do. It doesn't have to make a lot of logical sense... Or I fear that the answer is there, the solution is there, but it will be very, very expensive. The idea that we could have a baby if only we were rich enough to pretty much BUY one is horrifying to me in a lot of ways -- not the least of which is simply the question of how to pay for it. Again, sort of a fucked up issue, but there it is.

Ahhh! What would I do without late-night LJ lurkers? Thanks for being here for me tonight. :)

Trace

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[sans_peur]

I assume you've checked for coverage from your insurance? My friend managed to get either 3 or 4 of her rounds covered. Also, if you haven't already been evaluated for it, see about getting checked for PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) which is a common interferer-of-things-baby.

And that first call and appointment isn't the $20K commitment - it's "just" a doctor's appointment at first. It'll be some evaluation and some serious (and scary) talk about viability at your "old" age (@#$! 28 years' old is "old" for egg harvesting...grrr). Maybe just getting past this call hump (no pun intended) will get you relaxed enough that nature does its thing!

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[traceroo]

No insurance coverage for Ian or me; we checked. Still, even the full committment on IVF is still less expensive than adoption, if not a sure thing. The initial consultation is like $250 -- easy money. That will at least give us some information and options. There's a lot of tiny steps between here and full on in vitro, so we'll see what they say.

Oh, no other symptoms of PCOS -- and Ian and I have each conceived previously in life, to various ends. We know for certain that at one time I was fertile, and we have no reason to believe otherwise for Ian. Natch, I'm sure a round of testing will be early on the agenda in the next process.

I'm calling this morning! :)

Trace