Trace - I grew up very Catholic. I went through Catholic school, the uniforms, the whole nine yards. So “religion” or “organized religion” has always been part of my life in one form or fashion. After high school I became rather jaded by the whole religion idea and walked away from church. Yet, I never stopped believing in God. Religion is very private to me. I understand that some people feel the need to witness but my relationship with God has always been rather personal and private. God wasn’t a priority for me in my 20’s; he was sort of like an old coat. I would take him out of the closet now and again and then tuck him back safely away until the next time it was convenient for me to call on him again. Then at 29, my nonni (Italian grandmother) got sick and died.
I was living in Kentucky by then and got called home to Boston. I remember sitting in the nursing home with my mother and uncle when my nonni (who had been on severe pain killers and had been unconscious for days) suddenly “woke up” and started shaking her small, frail fist at the sky. She called out, “what do you want? Where do you want me to go?” She was directing her words to the upper corner of the room and of course, after hearing her voice again, everyone started jumping around. I just sat back and watched. I knew then that she wasn’t with us anymore and that she was having a conversation with someone/something bigger than me. A few hours later she did it again but this time when she put her hand down, I watched her exhale and a large breath just seemed to leave her. She lived for 2 more days but we never heard from her again. When I think about those few hours, even today, I get chills. I carry that day with me because in my small mind, in my small world, I caught a glimpse of what I believe to be the road to heaven.
Yet continuing to struggle with my relationship with God and now truly ensconced in the Bible belt of the US, I started to talk to more people about faith. Then one strange day, I was having a conversation with the President of one of the two local unions I have in my refinery when this topic came up. We were discussing an upcoming vacation and the fact that I absolutely HATE to fly. It scares me. But something Jack said changed my life. Just like your friend who was talking to the detective about dying, he said that he didn’t mind flying because if something ever was to happen he knew where he was going. His faith in God was so strong that he literally gave his life over to his safe keeping and truly believed that all forth coming events were part of Gods greater plan, whether he lived to 100 or died in a plane crash.
We talked about believing but more importantly we talked about accepting. This has really been hard for me but I have found that since I have made peace with this aspect of my life, things have somehow fell into place. I’m not scared about living or dying as much because I have accepted Christ as my savior. Strangely enough, I have never wrote those words down before. It feels good. I wouldn’t say I’m a practicing Catholic. I retain some of those old world traditions (the sign of the cross/Amen!) and I always find comfort in churches. Before I crossed this final barrier, every time I would walk into a church I would cry. I couldn’t sit through a service and not cry. When we were in Paris last week, I sat through a mass at Notre Dame Cathedral. It didn’t matter that the words and songs were in French. I didn’t care. I just sat there, listened and smiled. I still hate flying but I feel better about doing it because I know deep down inside that no matter what I’ll be ok.
Two very different experiences but both changed my life just like that *snap*!
I don’t know if this is what you are looking for but that’s my story. Enjoy your new book. Read the one I sent you the title of the other day too. It’s a journey about self discovery and I really think you would like it. LM
Wow, what an amazing journey you're on! And how lucky are you to be aware of the scenery and the effect on you. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, particularly since you prefer to keep these explorations private.
Going forward, do you think you will make your faith more a part of your daily life? Perhaps through participation in organized faith, or regular prayers? Where do you think you'll take this now?
I was living in Kentucky by then and got called home to Boston. I remember sitting in the nursing home with my mother and uncle when my nonni (who had been on severe pain killers and had been unconscious for days) suddenly “woke up” and started shaking her small, frail fist at the sky. She called out, “what do you want? Where do you want me to go?” She was directing her words to the upper corner of the room and of course, after hearing her voice again, everyone started jumping around. I just sat back and watched. I knew then that she wasn’t with us anymore and that she was having a conversation with someone/something bigger than me. A few hours later she did it again but this time when she put her hand down, I watched her exhale and a large breath just seemed to leave her. She lived for 2 more days but we never heard from her again. When I think about those few hours, even today, I get chills. I carry that day with me because in my small mind, in my small world, I caught a glimpse of what I believe to be the road to heaven.
Yet continuing to struggle with my relationship with God and now truly ensconced in the Bible belt of the US, I started to talk to more people about faith. Then one strange day, I was having a conversation with the President of one of the two local unions I have in my refinery when this topic came up. We were discussing an upcoming vacation and the fact that I absolutely HATE to fly. It scares me. But something Jack said changed my life. Just like your friend who was talking to the detective about dying, he said that he didn’t mind flying because if something ever was to happen he knew where he was going. His faith in God was so strong that he literally gave his life over to his safe keeping and truly believed that all forth coming events were part of Gods greater plan, whether he lived to 100 or died in a plane crash.
We talked about believing but more importantly we talked about accepting. This has really been hard for me but I have found that since I have made peace with this aspect of my life, things have somehow fell into place. I’m not scared about living or dying as much because I have accepted Christ as my savior. Strangely enough, I have never wrote those words down before. It feels good. I wouldn’t say I’m a practicing Catholic. I retain some of those old world traditions (the sign of the cross/Amen!) and I always find comfort in churches. Before I crossed this final barrier, every time I would walk into a church I would cry. I couldn’t sit through a service and not cry. When we were in Paris last week, I sat through a mass at Notre Dame Cathedral. It didn’t matter that the words and songs were in French. I didn’t care. I just sat there, listened and smiled. I still hate flying but I feel better about doing it because I know deep down inside that no matter what I’ll be ok.
Two very different experiences but both changed my life just like that *snap*!
I don’t know if this is what you are looking for but that’s my story. Enjoy your new book. Read the one I sent you the title of the other day too. It’s a journey about self discovery and I really think you would like it. LM
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Going forward, do you think you will make your faith more a part of your daily life? Perhaps through participation in organized faith, or regular prayers? Where do you think you'll take this now?
Thank you so much, dear friend,
T.
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