"i'm not sleeping with you until you make it clear to your ex-wife what's going on with us" seems like a pretty normal attitude for anyone in her position.
uhhh. if he's still fucking his ex-wife AND this new girl (hence you mentioning the poly part), then yes, it is her business. and it's her right to say she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore unless his ex-wife knows what's going on. not that hard to understand.
If he's still good friends with his ex-wife, though, I don't blame the girlfriend for not wanting to be kept a secret from her. If he talks to his ex-wife once in a blue moon, that's a different story.
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