Body Dysmorphia
When I first started my job at St Gabriels years ago I was in such a deep depression that I mostly stopped eating. I think I ended up losing about 60 pounds in two months if I remember correctly. That end moment, I feel like I was so twisted by what people were saying to me. My doctor was so happy that I lost so much weight. My friend took a picture of me at work, I am not really smiling in it, just looking at the camera, but you can clearly see that my face is a lot skinnier. I put it on some profiles I have. Having people telling me that I was at my best and most attractive at the moment in my life where I felt nothing, had nothing. It is such a out of body feeling. I know they didn't know what I was going though...I mean my doctor did, but rando's did not. Something about it is so distressing still. That is what I have to do for people to find me more acceptable.
I while ago, a trans youtuber that I like to watch was talking about random things and body dysmorphia came up and he explained it as he saw it. I don't know if that is what I have, but it sounded just like I feel. In my early 20s I was pretty skinny. I went around 165-175 for a good chunk of it. I can look at pictures of myself back then, and I remember the shirts. I had shirts that I didn't like wearing because I thought it showed how fat I was. But I wasn't fat. In my 30s I started to figure out that nothing I did would ever make me feel not fat...and trying to lose weight to make myself not fat didn't work...it was never good enough. So why try? I know it is one of the many things I have to work on. I wouldn't know where to begin. I feel like at this point I need four hour therapy sessions to get through all this dumb ass crap. But maybe all of my problems just come down to, how do I learn to love myself. I'm not sure really. But I know in that picture I am dying, and that is when I look my best to the world. And that is not a good way to see my life.