Help myself
As I am going through this section of my life I know the biggest problem I have at the moment is a feeling of inadequacy. But I feel like my vision is clouded by the achievements of other people. I can't really see the finish line to when I will feel good enough to exist. At the moment I'm doing my best to take one day at a time. But it makes me think of possible goals in my future. What is my best outcome? What do I want? Can they coexist somehow. Being poor while also not wanting to ask for help from anyone makes everything take longer and be harder. A few months ago when I was deep in my deepest depression I think that is what got me. What is the point of trying to do better, or be better, if every time I do I get knocked back further than where I started. I don't blame anyone but myself, I made poor choices, I took chances that didn't work out, I live every day with this feeling of not being able to lift a hand to help myself. The crushing weight of my unmotivated spirit. How do people get over this? My only thought at the moment was to find a doctor that maybe could set me on a better track with some medication...but that didn't turn out well. I want to feel and be better, but I also want to be a whole person...not just some form of a man through an opaque window. Tomorrow I go to the hospital for my mom so we can watch her fiancé die, I doubt that will make me feel any better. But maybe I can motivate myself enough to find a better doctor that is willing to actually listen to me. And while I talk about all this dark and depression, I do have to remember there are some people that I think are rooting for me. Not many. But do I need a lot? I don't think so.