(no subject)
I hate being a mess and crying everyday and feeling sorry for myself, but i deserve it so whatever. I'm convinced that i'm a really bad person, i make everyone outraged, and i'm ungrateful. I'm also selfish and greedy. If it happens to me, then I deserve it.
My car is a beat down 96' mazda 626. Just yesterday it broke down 7 times, something with the battery idk. It breaks down EVERY day. Ok I got this car around christmas time. My parents were arguing because my mom was sending me and my sister 300 dollars for christmas (she didn't send me money all year), well my dad told my mom that he deserved the money because he was in debt and he takes care of me (what a joke) and blah blah blah. Well my mom refused to give it to him because she knew he was going to blow it on his girlfriend, so instead she sent it to us. Well my sister took her check and spent it on supplies for dog grooming academy, and my dad took mine and told me he was going to help my sister with the dog grooming supplies and then he would pay me back. Well my mom calls, and he gives her that story and she's like ok w/e. Well later on he tells me he found someone to fix some old car we got sitting outside and that he needed my money and i told him absolutely not. I don't need a car, i don't have a job, I don't have anywhere to go, and if I did get a car I would have 483490 people hustling me for rides and I get stuck with the gas bill. Well he was like alright, i'll fix the car for poopz and giggles then. Well yeah, he fixes it and then tells me it's mine and blablahblah, and i was like k whatever wheres my money, I need deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, a toothbrush, clothes etc. And then he gives me the longest speech about how he used the money on grooming supplies. I asked him again and he told me it went into the car, and that the car is god and it's the best thing in the world. So I decide to forget about it because I know i'm never going to win the arguement. Hey, whatever I got a car.
Well my car starts breaking down the first week I had it. And everytime it got fixed my life would grow less insignificant because of how much it was costing. It came to a point where I supposively didn't know how to work a car. Every time this car would break, i'd be worthless, i'd be a good for nothing, stupid, an idiot. So basically I just left my house every day, and if my boyfriend was busy i'd go with a friend, or sit in my room by myself.
Well my dad broke up with his girlfriend, and it was my fault because I didn't like her. The woman was only out of her mind. My dad sent her red roses once, and she threw them away because they weren't yellow. I tried to be nice to her, but every time something would come out of my mouth she would yell something out. Half the time I didn't know if it was intended to be nice or rude, but whatever I still acted like I liked her, but I wasn't going to lie to my dad about how I felt about her. But I decided that I should stop talking to him about my feelings, because every time I would say something, my dad would tell her, and then that woman would fly to ohio, lock me in my room, and try to talk to me about my issues and then SOMEHOW end up talking about who the money goes to when my dad dies.
Anyways. I just ignore everyone. I told my mom about my car and she told me she'd send me her lancer, but I don't need it. I actually hope I wreck into a tree so I NEVER get a car ever again, then everyone will assume i can't drive, so they'll never ever give me a car, and hopefully i can get like internal bleeding or something so I can get tubes put in me, and my family can actually cry about the situation. Even if they don't feel sorry for me, they can cry about all the money being wasted into my medical bills, and i'll just be just as happy, because it gives me some importance, right?
Anyways. Last week was our honors night at school. My dad had to work or something, and so did my sister. Haha even the school forgot to give me an invitation. But anyways I got this big shiny golden plaque with my name on it and it said my gpa and stuff. I came home so excited, only like 10 people got plaques, and I showed my dad how it had my name on it and everything. Buuuuut he didn't really care, he placed it down somewhere. It was kinda hard to get it, only people with a 3.6 or higher got the plaque. And i'm pretty ambitious classes for someone as dumb as me, but you know, i was never taught how to read, add, subtract, multiply, and i still struggle in some of those subjects, and no one has really tried to help me so I just eventually taught myself. It still takes me a while sometimes but whatever.
Well the next day was my birthday, and everyone was telling me happybday and my friend decorated my locker and my other friend got me a tiara. It was great! Weeeeell after school i thought jonathan was just going to be super nice to me, because after all I was so nice on him birthday and I got him a 19' flat computer monitor :). Oh well. He made plans with him friend Eric and I had to drive them everywhere to get his friend's computer fixed. And then my dad told me to pick somewhere nice to eat, his treat, and I picked this new mexican place here, but he decided he didn't want to eat there. But since it was after all HIS TREAT, i shouldn't be mad at him, because it was a treat for himself afterall. We went to red lobster, and then my dad and my sister told me how just because it was my birthday i didn't have the right to wear the crown my friend gave me because it makes me look stupid and makes people think i think to highly of myself. And then they told me that I wear too much makeup and that i'm a bad person and i'm selfish and that i don't appreciate things. Then my sister asked for a new coach bag, when NONE of them had gotten anything for me for my birthday.
Also my mom called me during my birthday, she wished me a happy birthday and she asked why my dad was complaining so much about me. I guess he said that he has to pay everything for me and every time she sends me money i spend it on makeup and clothes instead of gas. Everytime my mom sends me money I fill up my car, I don't even let my dad pay for my gas anymore, I don't even let my dad pay for my food! After school I just mooch off of jonathan or whatever friend has food at their house. He didn't even tell her about my plaque.
But whatever, the next day i asked my dad about it and he denied it and then he confessed to it, and then he denied it again. And then maybe he felt bad, because he asked me what I really wanted for my birthday. And I told him nothing, and that all i was looking forward was some sunglasses he promised to get me during the summer. And then he told me that i would never get them, and that he never promised, and he didn't even have that conversation with me.
he did. We were at bob evans, and he just had stolen some more money from me, and I was upset, and he promised, HE PROMISED, and I believed him. But it's ok, he's old, he's turning 50 next year, maybe he just doesn't remember things as clearly.
I don't care though, i don't deserve it. But whatever, i still cried a little, it's hard to realize things for yourself. Well my dad saw me crying and called my sister to ask me what was wrong. And i tried to trust her, and i told her everything I felt but she yelled at me and told me I was selfish and ungrateful. Everything my dad wanted hear so that my dad could get her a new 300 dollar purse.
Well now I have an appointment with the psychiatrist the 27th. My dad says it's because I cry all the time and he can't fix it because he can't just buy me a new mom. Oh yeah, he thinks I miss my mom. And also he says that she will plug the leaking of my eyes. It has to be some kind of disorder lol. and I plan on showing her that theres nothing wrong with me, i'm just neglected sometimes, but I deal.
anyways i have to go to bed, see, this bolt went in my tire, and now I need it fixed. So my dad told me, that since i never do anything, i have to wake up early tomorrow and take it to the car repair shop. Hopefully they change tires for 30 dollars. I asked my dad to leave me extra money just in case, but he rather me be stranded there because I don't do anything anyways.
byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye.
My car is a beat down 96' mazda 626. Just yesterday it broke down 7 times, something with the battery idk. It breaks down EVERY day. Ok I got this car around christmas time. My parents were arguing because my mom was sending me and my sister 300 dollars for christmas (she didn't send me money all year), well my dad told my mom that he deserved the money because he was in debt and he takes care of me (what a joke) and blah blah blah. Well my mom refused to give it to him because she knew he was going to blow it on his girlfriend, so instead she sent it to us. Well my sister took her check and spent it on supplies for dog grooming academy, and my dad took mine and told me he was going to help my sister with the dog grooming supplies and then he would pay me back. Well my mom calls, and he gives her that story and she's like ok w/e. Well later on he tells me he found someone to fix some old car we got sitting outside and that he needed my money and i told him absolutely not. I don't need a car, i don't have a job, I don't have anywhere to go, and if I did get a car I would have 483490 people hustling me for rides and I get stuck with the gas bill. Well he was like alright, i'll fix the car for poopz and giggles then. Well yeah, he fixes it and then tells me it's mine and blablahblah, and i was like k whatever wheres my money, I need deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, a toothbrush, clothes etc. And then he gives me the longest speech about how he used the money on grooming supplies. I asked him again and he told me it went into the car, and that the car is god and it's the best thing in the world. So I decide to forget about it because I know i'm never going to win the arguement. Hey, whatever I got a car.
Well my car starts breaking down the first week I had it. And everytime it got fixed my life would grow less insignificant because of how much it was costing. It came to a point where I supposively didn't know how to work a car. Every time this car would break, i'd be worthless, i'd be a good for nothing, stupid, an idiot. So basically I just left my house every day, and if my boyfriend was busy i'd go with a friend, or sit in my room by myself.
Well my dad broke up with his girlfriend, and it was my fault because I didn't like her. The woman was only out of her mind. My dad sent her red roses once, and she threw them away because they weren't yellow. I tried to be nice to her, but every time something would come out of my mouth she would yell something out. Half the time I didn't know if it was intended to be nice or rude, but whatever I still acted like I liked her, but I wasn't going to lie to my dad about how I felt about her. But I decided that I should stop talking to him about my feelings, because every time I would say something, my dad would tell her, and then that woman would fly to ohio, lock me in my room, and try to talk to me about my issues and then SOMEHOW end up talking about who the money goes to when my dad dies.
Anyways. I just ignore everyone. I told my mom about my car and she told me she'd send me her lancer, but I don't need it. I actually hope I wreck into a tree so I NEVER get a car ever again, then everyone will assume i can't drive, so they'll never ever give me a car, and hopefully i can get like internal bleeding or something so I can get tubes put in me, and my family can actually cry about the situation. Even if they don't feel sorry for me, they can cry about all the money being wasted into my medical bills, and i'll just be just as happy, because it gives me some importance, right?
Anyways. Last week was our honors night at school. My dad had to work or something, and so did my sister. Haha even the school forgot to give me an invitation. But anyways I got this big shiny golden plaque with my name on it and it said my gpa and stuff. I came home so excited, only like 10 people got plaques, and I showed my dad how it had my name on it and everything. Buuuuut he didn't really care, he placed it down somewhere. It was kinda hard to get it, only people with a 3.6 or higher got the plaque. And i'm pretty ambitious classes for someone as dumb as me, but you know, i was never taught how to read, add, subtract, multiply, and i still struggle in some of those subjects, and no one has really tried to help me so I just eventually taught myself. It still takes me a while sometimes but whatever.
Well the next day was my birthday, and everyone was telling me happybday and my friend decorated my locker and my other friend got me a tiara. It was great! Weeeeell after school i thought jonathan was just going to be super nice to me, because after all I was so nice on him birthday and I got him a 19' flat computer monitor :). Oh well. He made plans with him friend Eric and I had to drive them everywhere to get his friend's computer fixed. And then my dad told me to pick somewhere nice to eat, his treat, and I picked this new mexican place here, but he decided he didn't want to eat there. But since it was after all HIS TREAT, i shouldn't be mad at him, because it was a treat for himself afterall. We went to red lobster, and then my dad and my sister told me how just because it was my birthday i didn't have the right to wear the crown my friend gave me because it makes me look stupid and makes people think i think to highly of myself. And then they told me that I wear too much makeup and that i'm a bad person and i'm selfish and that i don't appreciate things. Then my sister asked for a new coach bag, when NONE of them had gotten anything for me for my birthday.
Also my mom called me during my birthday, she wished me a happy birthday and she asked why my dad was complaining so much about me. I guess he said that he has to pay everything for me and every time she sends me money i spend it on makeup and clothes instead of gas. Everytime my mom sends me money I fill up my car, I don't even let my dad pay for my gas anymore, I don't even let my dad pay for my food! After school I just mooch off of jonathan or whatever friend has food at their house. He didn't even tell her about my plaque.
But whatever, the next day i asked my dad about it and he denied it and then he confessed to it, and then he denied it again. And then maybe he felt bad, because he asked me what I really wanted for my birthday. And I told him nothing, and that all i was looking forward was some sunglasses he promised to get me during the summer. And then he told me that i would never get them, and that he never promised, and he didn't even have that conversation with me.
he did. We were at bob evans, and he just had stolen some more money from me, and I was upset, and he promised, HE PROMISED, and I believed him. But it's ok, he's old, he's turning 50 next year, maybe he just doesn't remember things as clearly.
I don't care though, i don't deserve it. But whatever, i still cried a little, it's hard to realize things for yourself. Well my dad saw me crying and called my sister to ask me what was wrong. And i tried to trust her, and i told her everything I felt but she yelled at me and told me I was selfish and ungrateful. Everything my dad wanted hear so that my dad could get her a new 300 dollar purse.
Well now I have an appointment with the psychiatrist the 27th. My dad says it's because I cry all the time and he can't fix it because he can't just buy me a new mom. Oh yeah, he thinks I miss my mom. And also he says that she will plug the leaking of my eyes. It has to be some kind of disorder lol. and I plan on showing her that theres nothing wrong with me, i'm just neglected sometimes, but I deal.
anyways i have to go to bed, see, this bolt went in my tire, and now I need it fixed. So my dad told me, that since i never do anything, i have to wake up early tomorrow and take it to the car repair shop. Hopefully they change tires for 30 dollars. I asked my dad to leave me extra money just in case, but he rather me be stranded there because I don't do anything anyways.
byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye.