Diary of a Living Dead Girl
There are so many reasons I chose that title. The biggest one is that I love it. Entries with that title may not be interesting to anyone else, but I need to write them for two reasons. The first is that I need to get everything clear in my head, including apportioning blame and acknowledging my fair share (30%, probably, with 50% of THAT being provoked). The second is so that I NEVER LET SOMEONE DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.
I feel really tired right now. I need to write these things down so they're out of my head; at the same time, I feel really fragile and reluctant to do so because it will upset me. This vexes me, because I've spent so much time dwelling on them in the past few months. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I could realistically just decide to say, "fuck it" and put this behind me; the other choice is to get this out here, in as many posts and for however long it takes so that I have it down in black and white, I know I'm not crazy for being upset by certain behaviour and I NEVER LET SOMEONE DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. I need to know that I'll recognize it and that I wasn't always "creating a problem with paranoid behaviour." IT'S NOT FUCKING PARANOIA IF SOMEONE IS DOING THINGS THEY KNOW WILL UPSET YOU AND THEY KEEP DOING THEM THEN BERATE YOU FOR BEING ANGRY.
I need a break. This is harder than I thought.
I feel really tired right now. I need to write these things down so they're out of my head; at the same time, I feel really fragile and reluctant to do so because it will upset me. This vexes me, because I've spent so much time dwelling on them in the past few months. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I could realistically just decide to say, "fuck it" and put this behind me; the other choice is to get this out here, in as many posts and for however long it takes so that I have it down in black and white, I know I'm not crazy for being upset by certain behaviour and I NEVER LET SOMEONE DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. I need to know that I'll recognize it and that I wasn't always "creating a problem with paranoid behaviour." IT'S NOT FUCKING PARANOIA IF SOMEONE IS DOING THINGS THEY KNOW WILL UPSET YOU AND THEY KEEP DOING THEM THEN BERATE YOU FOR BEING ANGRY.
I need a break. This is harder than I thought.