Nuthin
Everything has gone so far wrong since my last post that I almost can't bring myself to write it all down. In fact, I can't, so things will have to emerge one by one. I know all of you who will be reading this are smart enough to put it together, or already know.
Last night, I managed to sleep in my bed for the fifth time since my husband moved out over a month ago. The five times have not been consecutive, or even very close together. They also haven't been full nights, but anyway. This is going to be depressing, but I have to get some of it out or I will go mad with the weight of the sadness that I CAN'T STOP NO MATTER WHAT I DO. It's all just so pointless and unnecessary, or avoidable. I feel like there's all this time we wasted, and now, I can surmount the obstacles that were there, but now there's no reason to. This won't really make sense to anyone who hasn't heard me talking (incessantly) about it, but I can't write anything more detailed right now. I never thought there was anything that we couldn't work out, or that anything could make my husband stop loving me, but I was wrong.
I can't wear my perfumes, because they remind me of going to get him at the airport in Vancouver on a gorgeous hot summer night, or of our wedding day, or the one proper holiday we had together. I can't eat Muller corners because we used to eat them joyfully together when we first moved here and Sainsbury's would have them on special. PG Tips makes me cry, and I can't eat cheese and pickle sandwiches anymore, because he was the first one to make them for me, and I used to eat them every day while he was away because he was the only person who ever looked after me or loved me that much, and now I can't eat them because the one person who loved me no matter what has stopped loving me and is never ever coming back, no matter what I do. And the only reason I don't want to die is because of my cats, my friends, and my family. My friends have been totally amazing. My family, well, my brother, really don't need anything else to happen right now, and I will never, ever abandon my cats the way I have been abandoned. I know this is depressing and melodramatic, and I know I'm lucky because although I've been left in this position, he is being good about money and stuff. and now I'm worried that I've jinxed myself by saying that.
I'm sorry to anyone who has read this and it's full of stuff they already know, or it's depressing. I just think...nuthin
Last night, I managed to sleep in my bed for the fifth time since my husband moved out over a month ago. The five times have not been consecutive, or even very close together. They also haven't been full nights, but anyway. This is going to be depressing, but I have to get some of it out or I will go mad with the weight of the sadness that I CAN'T STOP NO MATTER WHAT I DO. It's all just so pointless and unnecessary, or avoidable. I feel like there's all this time we wasted, and now, I can surmount the obstacles that were there, but now there's no reason to. This won't really make sense to anyone who hasn't heard me talking (incessantly) about it, but I can't write anything more detailed right now. I never thought there was anything that we couldn't work out, or that anything could make my husband stop loving me, but I was wrong.
I can't wear my perfumes, because they remind me of going to get him at the airport in Vancouver on a gorgeous hot summer night, or of our wedding day, or the one proper holiday we had together. I can't eat Muller corners because we used to eat them joyfully together when we first moved here and Sainsbury's would have them on special. PG Tips makes me cry, and I can't eat cheese and pickle sandwiches anymore, because he was the first one to make them for me, and I used to eat them every day while he was away because he was the only person who ever looked after me or loved me that much, and now I can't eat them because the one person who loved me no matter what has stopped loving me and is never ever coming back, no matter what I do. And the only reason I don't want to die is because of my cats, my friends, and my family. My friends have been totally amazing. My family, well, my brother, really don't need anything else to happen right now, and I will never, ever abandon my cats the way I have been abandoned. I know this is depressing and melodramatic, and I know I'm lucky because although I've been left in this position, he is being good about money and stuff. and now I'm worried that I've jinxed myself by saying that.
I'm sorry to anyone who has read this and it's full of stuff they already know, or it's depressing. I just think...nuthin