The "I've had enough of this" Day of a Living Dead Girl
Fings Wot I Has Learned Recently:
If a man cries when he tells you he loves you, get out.
If a man is willing to "sin" for you it means he considers you a sin. Get out.
If you're left in charge of your workplace on a regular basis and your boss questions everything you do, even when it was a normal/the only course of action, do what you can to GET OUT!
Right. That wasn't even me getting things off my chest. Yet.
So. Today I have...Holy FUCK! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!
I got home yesterday to a note informing me that water was coming into my downstairs neighbour's flat. Excellent. Assisted by my flatmate, I looked in all the pertinent areas. Nothing.
Or so I thought.
Closer inspection turned up a leak. Coming from the flat above mine.
Fantastic. I bought this flat (in part) because the bathroom didn't need doing. My upstairs neighbours flooded it and it had to be redone. I had a new kitchen put in. I love it. I am near the end of my plan to gradually get the whole house looking great. There are bits and pieces to be done everywhere, I thought to myself, but at least the bathroom and kitchen are TOTALLY DONE.
Guess which rooms are affected by the water damage. Yep.
Leaving that aside, because it is as under control as it can be, let me just relate a few things about my day.
My boss leaves me in charge of the shop two and a half days out of five and has done for many years. I have proven time and again that I run it ably and better than anyone else who has done so. ANYONE. AND YET I AM STILL QUESTIONED AT EVERY TURN EVEN WHEN MY HANDS ARE TIED BY RULES I HAVEN'T MADE. I'm so pissed off about this right now that actually, I won't even go into the rest.
I have been thinking lately that things at work are starting to get better and that maybe I could love it there again. No.
I have not achieved anything in my house or at the gym that I set out to achieve this week. I was SO CLOSE to having everything under control again for the weekend. I want my house to look nice and be tidy again. I want to go to the gym and kickboxing and come home to a house which has been tidied and eat healthy meals prepared by me because I have had time to go grocery shopping. I want my friends to be able to stay over and eat, drink and be merry.
I want my life back the way it was before he ruined it. I want to be happy again. And I want to do these things because it feels like if I don't, he wins.
And he doesn't deserve to. He is not worth being the person who finally puts me off picking myself up. Again and again and aFUCKINGgain.
I want to stop having these surges of nearly uncontrollable insane rage. Because one day the "nearly" is going to go.
I am angry because things are actually pretty good but I feel like I'm observing my life rather than living it. Most of the time I'm fine. I have a good time, I love my friends, I'm starting to get the flat, my finances and my fitness under control. But I still feel empty a lot of the time.It's not that things aren't any good without him, because they are. I don't want to go into stuff that happened when we were together any more than I already have. To be fair, sometimes things were amazing. But more often, they were unsettling, unpredictable, difficult, unfulfilling and hurtful. It's more like everything that's happened has taken away my ability to be joyful. It shouldn't be like this but it is. And that's why I'm so incredibly angry; it's why all these other irritations (which are annoying but can be dealt with) drive me round the bend. Because I know I'm happy but I can't feel it.
I'm kind of in a fucked up head space about relationships too. I would like one, but. I'm not sure. Being alone isn't too bad. And I'd rather be alone than compromise my principles, by which I mean...hmmm. What do I mean?
Right. I mean that I don't want to get into something unless I know I really want to be with that person, for whatever degree of relationship we both agree on. I don't want to accidentally hurt someone (or be hurt) because we have a different idea of what the outcome might be. I don't want to be like Preacher Boy and I DON'T want to be like the other one. Because I've been the person on the other side of the situation and I don't like it. I won't hurt anyone or muck them about. If it's just sex, it will be made clear from the outset; if there's any possibility that I might get into a situation where I will hurt someone else through my own selfishness, I won't do it. I've done that once and I still feel bad about it. I also won't get into a relationship with anyone who doesn't act like they want to be with me. Of course things always have to start somewhere. But I'm going to be more ready to walk away from this point on. And I won't do anything that would make me unhappy with myself later.
(This is kind of maddening, because there are a few cool guys around me at this time. The "problem" is that most of them are people I would miss. This means that they are all off the table until my head is straight in this regard. I can't treat them like toys or just have a romp anymore. Bugger.)
Now, after all that, I actually feel better :) I'm going to get up, clean the kitchen and living room, then have a little break. If I feel I can do more, then I will. And that's me one step closer to enjoying what promises to be a BRILLIANT weekend with AMAZING friends :)
If a man cries when he tells you he loves you, get out.
If a man is willing to "sin" for you it means he considers you a sin. Get out.
If you're left in charge of your workplace on a regular basis and your boss questions everything you do, even when it was a normal/the only course of action, do what you can to GET OUT!
Right. That wasn't even me getting things off my chest. Yet.
So. Today I have...Holy FUCK! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!
I got home yesterday to a note informing me that water was coming into my downstairs neighbour's flat. Excellent. Assisted by my flatmate, I looked in all the pertinent areas. Nothing.
Or so I thought.
Closer inspection turned up a leak. Coming from the flat above mine.
Fantastic. I bought this flat (in part) because the bathroom didn't need doing. My upstairs neighbours flooded it and it had to be redone. I had a new kitchen put in. I love it. I am near the end of my plan to gradually get the whole house looking great. There are bits and pieces to be done everywhere, I thought to myself, but at least the bathroom and kitchen are TOTALLY DONE.
Guess which rooms are affected by the water damage. Yep.
Leaving that aside, because it is as under control as it can be, let me just relate a few things about my day.
My boss leaves me in charge of the shop two and a half days out of five and has done for many years. I have proven time and again that I run it ably and better than anyone else who has done so. ANYONE. AND YET I AM STILL QUESTIONED AT EVERY TURN EVEN WHEN MY HANDS ARE TIED BY RULES I HAVEN'T MADE. I'm so pissed off about this right now that actually, I won't even go into the rest.
I have been thinking lately that things at work are starting to get better and that maybe I could love it there again. No.
I have not achieved anything in my house or at the gym that I set out to achieve this week. I was SO CLOSE to having everything under control again for the weekend. I want my house to look nice and be tidy again. I want to go to the gym and kickboxing and come home to a house which has been tidied and eat healthy meals prepared by me because I have had time to go grocery shopping. I want my friends to be able to stay over and eat, drink and be merry.
I want my life back the way it was before he ruined it. I want to be happy again. And I want to do these things because it feels like if I don't, he wins.
And he doesn't deserve to. He is not worth being the person who finally puts me off picking myself up. Again and again and aFUCKINGgain.
I want to stop having these surges of nearly uncontrollable insane rage. Because one day the "nearly" is going to go.
I am angry because things are actually pretty good but I feel like I'm observing my life rather than living it. Most of the time I'm fine. I have a good time, I love my friends, I'm starting to get the flat, my finances and my fitness under control. But I still feel empty a lot of the time.It's not that things aren't any good without him, because they are. I don't want to go into stuff that happened when we were together any more than I already have. To be fair, sometimes things were amazing. But more often, they were unsettling, unpredictable, difficult, unfulfilling and hurtful. It's more like everything that's happened has taken away my ability to be joyful. It shouldn't be like this but it is. And that's why I'm so incredibly angry; it's why all these other irritations (which are annoying but can be dealt with) drive me round the bend. Because I know I'm happy but I can't feel it.
I'm kind of in a fucked up head space about relationships too. I would like one, but. I'm not sure. Being alone isn't too bad. And I'd rather be alone than compromise my principles, by which I mean...hmmm. What do I mean?
Right. I mean that I don't want to get into something unless I know I really want to be with that person, for whatever degree of relationship we both agree on. I don't want to accidentally hurt someone (or be hurt) because we have a different idea of what the outcome might be. I don't want to be like Preacher Boy and I DON'T want to be like the other one. Because I've been the person on the other side of the situation and I don't like it. I won't hurt anyone or muck them about. If it's just sex, it will be made clear from the outset; if there's any possibility that I might get into a situation where I will hurt someone else through my own selfishness, I won't do it. I've done that once and I still feel bad about it. I also won't get into a relationship with anyone who doesn't act like they want to be with me. Of course things always have to start somewhere. But I'm going to be more ready to walk away from this point on. And I won't do anything that would make me unhappy with myself later.
(This is kind of maddening, because there are a few cool guys around me at this time. The "problem" is that most of them are people I would miss. This means that they are all off the table until my head is straight in this regard. I can't treat them like toys or just have a romp anymore. Bugger.)
Now, after all that, I actually feel better :) I'm going to get up, clean the kitchen and living room, then have a little break. If I feel I can do more, then I will. And that's me one step closer to enjoying what promises to be a BRILLIANT weekend with AMAZING friends :)