(no subject)
i am so bloody exhausted. panic attacks and tummy troubles all day long. i think i'm now allergic to aspartame, too.
that totally kills my beverege options.
was supposed to go home today, didn't cause now lu is sleeping. tommorrow morning... i think partially i'm panicking cause i don't want to go home.
i do and i don't. i can't live with him. but i miss him when i'm not here. i miss people when i'm not here. i need to live down the street from him, really. but this is nuts. i wonder whats going on. i was so shaky this morning. shaky and dizzy and everything hurt. couldn't breathe.
picked up some more nicorette today. starting again tommorrow. talked to someone a week or so ago who gave me the philosophy he used when he quit. yeah. i'm sure it DOES work, but i need to adopt that philosophy as my own, and therein lies my problem. convincing myself. its one of those - "i gotta do this on my own and no one can help me or change it or make me want it any more" type things, and that's so frustrating. i frustrate myself a lot. I haven't been working out, I've been eating crap, i've been smoking a lot. i'm YELLING at myself. my fingers and toes are all messed up. my head is all messed up. typical shit.
thinking a lot. evaluating a lot of my reasons for wanting to do things. I want to go to canada. to escape. escape the country, escape myself. I want to be someone else. I want to become something.. different.maybe i just don't know who i am anymore and want to become myself. its possible. i lose myself sometimes. start trying to cater to what other people want out of me - or what i think they want- and mold myself into someone different.
yep. allergic to aspartame. ewwwwww.
*begin shaking again*
tired tired tired tired tired tired.
that totally kills my beverege options.
was supposed to go home today, didn't cause now lu is sleeping. tommorrow morning... i think partially i'm panicking cause i don't want to go home.
i do and i don't. i can't live with him. but i miss him when i'm not here. i miss people when i'm not here. i need to live down the street from him, really. but this is nuts. i wonder whats going on. i was so shaky this morning. shaky and dizzy and everything hurt. couldn't breathe.
picked up some more nicorette today. starting again tommorrow. talked to someone a week or so ago who gave me the philosophy he used when he quit. yeah. i'm sure it DOES work, but i need to adopt that philosophy as my own, and therein lies my problem. convincing myself. its one of those - "i gotta do this on my own and no one can help me or change it or make me want it any more" type things, and that's so frustrating. i frustrate myself a lot. I haven't been working out, I've been eating crap, i've been smoking a lot. i'm YELLING at myself. my fingers and toes are all messed up. my head is all messed up. typical shit.
thinking a lot. evaluating a lot of my reasons for wanting to do things. I want to go to canada. to escape. escape the country, escape myself. I want to be someone else. I want to become something.. different.maybe i just don't know who i am anymore and want to become myself. its possible. i lose myself sometimes. start trying to cater to what other people want out of me - or what i think they want- and mold myself into someone different.
yep. allergic to aspartame. ewwwwww.
*begin shaking again*
tired tired tired tired tired tired.