(no subject)
It's interesting to note how much I take for granted. The ability to walk without feeling things pop and crack in my legs, or without a kneecap sliding this way or that without any warning whatsoever. The ability to go through an entire day without even once getting so dizzy i have to immediatly drop, wherever i am, because everything is spinning so fast. The ability to think clearly, concisely, without pain fogging my brain. The past week or so has been hell. I can barely walk on my own now. Today, and yesterday, I've barely been able to go more than an hour and a half without one of those dizzy spells. Even when I'm sitting down, now. I'm dealing with it best I can, but honestly, it's so incredibly frustrating i don't know how much longer i can even go with "the best I can" anymore.
Also interesting, my first thought when my leg started acting up like this, and continued into the next day, was "oh fuck. Now I can't work out." and i've started smoking fairly (half a pack a day) heavily again, and I'm downright edgy, panicky, and my body image is shot to shit. Not that it wasn't before - I dunno - my entire life, I've never really had TOO many issues with my weight. Yeah, for a while I made myself throw up, but more out of stress relief than weight control, but other than that, I could look in the mirror and like what i saw. Curvy here, straight there, a little extra here, no extra there, that literal 12 inch gap in the difference between my waist and my hips or my waist and the fullest part of my breasts. "As long as I'm still shopping in the misses section", and that was all that mattered. Don't go above a size 14. that was it. And then for a few months I did, and I was honestly a comfortable size 16, this bothered me, so i started to do something about it. okay, everything's well and good, yoga here, lift some weights there, stationary bike a bit, whatever. And boom. Fall. But before that, not by much - fat. I'm fat. I'm fucking huge. And ugly and my hair is a mess and -- too much questioning of myself. Too much questioning of --- everything. This is nuts. Who am I? What the hell happened?
ok. time for rant to stop now. need sleep more.
Also interesting, my first thought when my leg started acting up like this, and continued into the next day, was "oh fuck. Now I can't work out." and i've started smoking fairly (half a pack a day) heavily again, and I'm downright edgy, panicky, and my body image is shot to shit. Not that it wasn't before - I dunno - my entire life, I've never really had TOO many issues with my weight. Yeah, for a while I made myself throw up, but more out of stress relief than weight control, but other than that, I could look in the mirror and like what i saw. Curvy here, straight there, a little extra here, no extra there, that literal 12 inch gap in the difference between my waist and my hips or my waist and the fullest part of my breasts. "As long as I'm still shopping in the misses section", and that was all that mattered. Don't go above a size 14. that was it. And then for a few months I did, and I was honestly a comfortable size 16, this bothered me, so i started to do something about it. okay, everything's well and good, yoga here, lift some weights there, stationary bike a bit, whatever. And boom. Fall. But before that, not by much - fat. I'm fat. I'm fucking huge. And ugly and my hair is a mess and -- too much questioning of myself. Too much questioning of --- everything. This is nuts. Who am I? What the hell happened?
ok. time for rant to stop now. need sleep more.