This is the point in my life where everything's going to change.
I just realized how little of my life I actually spend living to the fullest.
I just realized how much I no longer care about the current status of my life.
I've lived in this town since birth. I love it to death, and I wouldn't have it any other way (except for the miserable, godforsaken heat...) Since my birth, I feel as though I've never gone nearly far enough out of the way with my miserable life to actually get what I truly want.
Last night, I tried out for a play down at Del Mar. I haven't been in a play since my senior year in high school, I can't afford to be unavailable from work for four days a week, and I have no direct way to get home from school at ten PM. I did it anyway. It was time for a change.
My mom, who had initially told me that she'd kick me out of the house once January first came upon us, had told me she'd work with me on an extension IF I surrendered every paycheck I made from here on out to her, meaning I'll probably get around five dollars a month to spend or some other disgustingly low amount.
On the 26th, my favorite actor, Bruce Campbell, is going to be premiering his newest movie in Austin. The tickets go on sale at 3 PM today. I'll either be getting paid today or on Monday. If I get paid today and it isn't enough to cover the $300 rent my mom demands at the beginning of the month, I'm going to cash the check and buy the ticket and let the chips fall where they may.
I've always played things safe for far too long. If I don't take a risk around this time in my life, I'm going to set an ugly precedent for the future. Even if I DON'T manage to get kicked out by the end of the year, chances are I'm going to try and be gone by then anyway. Where am I going to go? I don't know. There are only a few places where I know anyone in the first place, but even if I went there, I wouldn't have a job or very much money, which means I'd have to find someone goodly enough to let me stay that their place for an indefinite amount of time until I can get my life up and running.
If I can find that person, I'm out of here.
There's a few other things bothering me, too.
My most recent ex-girlfriend is insane. Like, clinically. She's in Austin right now, and she won't leave me alone. I'm not particularly bothered by this, in the long run, as our relationship was rather wonderful while she was on her meds. However, when she's off them (like I know she is right now), she's a whirlwind of self-destruction, and she doesn't seem to care. I know things are going to end badly for her, despite the efforts I've made. It's depressing that I've dated a suicidal girl who's tried to take her own life multiple times, and likely will eventually succeed.
I don't want to be able to say that I've dated a dead person this early on in my life.
I just don't know how, in this city, I've always managed to attract the person likely to affect my life the most negatively. There has to be something else out there. There has to be a blissful perfection out there, waiting for me somewhere. And I know I'm going to find it.
And it's not here.
This has been part one of my epiphany. Please check back later for another instance of me being horribly serious. If you have any feedback, trust me, it's welcome. And if you have any way for me to get the hell out of here, call me right now at (361)876-0486.
I'm not even joking there.
I just realized how much I no longer care about the current status of my life.
I've lived in this town since birth. I love it to death, and I wouldn't have it any other way (except for the miserable, godforsaken heat...) Since my birth, I feel as though I've never gone nearly far enough out of the way with my miserable life to actually get what I truly want.
Last night, I tried out for a play down at Del Mar. I haven't been in a play since my senior year in high school, I can't afford to be unavailable from work for four days a week, and I have no direct way to get home from school at ten PM. I did it anyway. It was time for a change.
My mom, who had initially told me that she'd kick me out of the house once January first came upon us, had told me she'd work with me on an extension IF I surrendered every paycheck I made from here on out to her, meaning I'll probably get around five dollars a month to spend or some other disgustingly low amount.
On the 26th, my favorite actor, Bruce Campbell, is going to be premiering his newest movie in Austin. The tickets go on sale at 3 PM today. I'll either be getting paid today or on Monday. If I get paid today and it isn't enough to cover the $300 rent my mom demands at the beginning of the month, I'm going to cash the check and buy the ticket and let the chips fall where they may.
I've always played things safe for far too long. If I don't take a risk around this time in my life, I'm going to set an ugly precedent for the future. Even if I DON'T manage to get kicked out by the end of the year, chances are I'm going to try and be gone by then anyway. Where am I going to go? I don't know. There are only a few places where I know anyone in the first place, but even if I went there, I wouldn't have a job or very much money, which means I'd have to find someone goodly enough to let me stay that their place for an indefinite amount of time until I can get my life up and running.
If I can find that person, I'm out of here.
There's a few other things bothering me, too.
My most recent ex-girlfriend is insane. Like, clinically. She's in Austin right now, and she won't leave me alone. I'm not particularly bothered by this, in the long run, as our relationship was rather wonderful while she was on her meds. However, when she's off them (like I know she is right now), she's a whirlwind of self-destruction, and she doesn't seem to care. I know things are going to end badly for her, despite the efforts I've made. It's depressing that I've dated a suicidal girl who's tried to take her own life multiple times, and likely will eventually succeed.
I don't want to be able to say that I've dated a dead person this early on in my life.
I just don't know how, in this city, I've always managed to attract the person likely to affect my life the most negatively. There has to be something else out there. There has to be a blissful perfection out there, waiting for me somewhere. And I know I'm going to find it.
And it's not here.
This has been part one of my epiphany. Please check back later for another instance of me being horribly serious. If you have any feedback, trust me, it's welcome. And if you have any way for me to get the hell out of here, call me right now at (361)876-0486.
I'm not even joking there.