"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating..."
I... I can't stop listening to this song. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night all week, my insides are on fire, and I'm nauseous to the point I can barely eat. My acid reflux is out of control, my jaw and teeth are killing me because I can't stop grinding my teeth and setting my jaw, and I now get my monthly "gift". I can't even get to sleep until four or five in the morning. No matter how exhausted I am. I'm lethargic to the point I shut down today after listening to my father throw a tantrum because God forbid my mom recycles 75 pounds of crushed pop cans for money to buy food for tomorrow's today's? grad party. He proceeded to slip back into the emotionally and verbally abusive douchenozzle I remember from my childhood except he's not drunk. Which might be worse. I'm not sure at this point, nor do I fucking care anymore. The fact that I had to sit there listening without saying a word while I can see my mom on the verge of crying just broke me. I was functioning, damnit, and now I'm a lifeless blob leeching misery off of anyone who dare come near.
I don't wanna do the whole grad party thing tomorrow, or my birthday party Sunday, or Valleyfair on Monday. I just want to sleep. Is that so wrong? I'm physically exhausted but no way am I allowed to sleep this week. Too much work to be done and of course it's me and mom doing fucking everything while the boys throw tantrums and mess up the house and Brittany runs around like she's the fucking Queen of the World because it's HER party. Well guess what, Squish? This was supposed to be MY weekend. My birthday party was supposed to be today, but NO. I had to move it to Sunday because of your spoiled ass. On top of it? She thinks she's entitled to blow her college money on clubbing, casinos, and getting drunk. Oh she shouldn't have to lift a finger for her own party. Nope. But it's perfectly acceptable to expect ME to spend four hours slicing fruit and hollowing out a watermelon for fruit salad while mom has been up since four A.M.
I'm past the point of caring about this weekend. I don't care if my birthday is Sunday. Or that I'm supposed to go to Valleyfair on Monday. Sunday is just a reminder that it's been a whole year since I last spoke to Joey. That his last words to me were "do what you want, I don't care". I keep hearing about all these little moments he shared with Anna and I feel... robbed. I never got the chance to have those memories because he chose her. He gave up on me because he was afraid to hurt me. God, it hurts. It hurts so much more because he loved her and they have all these little moments she can hold onto. I'm supposed to celebrate his life on Tuesday, not the anniversary of his death, but... how the hell do I do that when it feels like all the memories I have are of the hurt he caused me? And when his last words to me before he died were words of spite.
Anna can heal and live her life knowing she was the love of his life. She knows how he felt. I never got closure from our relationship. I never got to know how he truly felt under all of that guilt and fear and anger and self-loathing. And that's selfish of me to want to be jealous and angry at her because she had what I wanted -- what I NEED to be able to move on. But I will never stop loving him, and I don't know if I'll ever love someone as deeply as I loved him. I know he's in a better place now and he's watching over Anna -- quite often from what she's told me -- but what about me?
I'm still here, damnit! I loved him! He broke me in ways no one ever has before but I forgave him and he knows that! I was happy for him and Anna! I truly wanted their relationship to be the one because I know it made him so happy! It didn't matter if he was with someone else, as long as he was happy! So what about ME?! I hardly ask for anything for myself. But why can't I have this one thing?!
I just want to feel his presence, to have one last talk where we're not fighting and he's not accusing me of trying to break him and Anna up. I just... I need to know that he forgives me, that he understands and he loves me.
Broken by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can start tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
Is there healing?
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay
Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
(In the pain)
There is healing
In your name
(In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm holding on
(I'm still holding)
I'm barely holding on to you
And you know what?
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay
That part of the song pisses me off, because he said to me the morning of his funeral and then a few months back, that it's gonna be okay. But I have yet to feel like it's okay. He keeps saying that, and it's not!
It's not okay. I'm not okay.