The grounding hault and the slippery slope

Apr 10, 2005 18:15

Things are not going so well for me right now. I feel like shit at the moment. Note to all: NEVER EVER SIT AND THINK! Ugh! Well Here is what is going on in my life at the moment:


My father found out that I sneaked Lubos in the house to sleep over yesterday. Our plan went wrong yesterday . . . I won't go into detail but basically my father was awake yesterday when I sneaked him late at night and in the morning when I went to say "Hi" in his room he told me "Emerson, I told you, Do not bring anyobe to sleep over. I don't want anyone here at night sleeping over! Next time I know you have someone upstairs at night I will go and . . ." and he stopped before saying anything else. Me and Lubos have been doing this for like 4 months now. He has been living with me and I've been sneaking him around. It's worked over and over but yesterday my stupid DOG decided to start barking like a little bitch and that's why he was awake when we came. UGHH! I'm pissed now. Lubos will not be sleeping in my house for a loooooooooooooong time to come. Last time when my grandmother found out he had slept over he only slept in his house for like 4 days and then came back but this time I have to wait a while before letting him back in again. I'm extremely sad about this. I've gotten use to waking up next to him . . . i'm gonna be so fucking lonely. I'm pissed at my dog . . . I don't even wanna see that little bitch! UGHHHHH!


I'm really upset at moment. I had a lot of time to think today and I have come to the conclusion that my future is uncertain. That scares me a lot because I'm a security freak. I'll pick security (by security I mean money, food, shelter, education) over anything else. It's the root that will lead to my growth and happiness and right now its in danger. I'm not sure if my father will support my college education. After 18 I don't know what he's gonna do with me. The man doesn't show any kind of emotion toward me. I don't even know if he hates me or cares for me. Nothing . . . I'm just there. My mom, I don't know if she will take me in if my father decides to throw me out one day and I don't know what to do. I'm not financially independent at the moment and I feel that I'm gonna drown in the future. I'm also upset about the fact that Lubos was late to work, indirectly, but still because of me. I feel horrible. What if he gets fired? It's gonna be my fault!! I don't know what to do. I want to get the fuck out of this house. I'm soo tired of being here. In this environment full of resentment. Everybody hates each other. My brother hates grandma, grandma hates brother, father hates brother, brother hates father, I hate father, I hate brother . . . . UGH!!! We fight over everything . . .even food and I don't understand why a family can't share fucking food! I'm soo sick of it. I'm sick of it all. I have considered many times moving back with mother. But she has her own problems. I'm basically on my own. Nobody to emergency land if I suddenly fall . . . NOTHING. I'm soo fucking scared. I don't know what to do. What is gonna become of me? AM I going to become an adult leech? I'd rather honorably kill myself than become that . . than become what certain people I know have become. AHHHH!!!! >.< I have to get myself together . . . I'm sorry about my teenage rant but I needed to get that out.


Anyway, school is still the same. I'm still skipping school and being affected by senioritis. Uh! I got picked up by Truancy Police a few days ago. It was an interesting experience. They picked me up because I was cutting LUNCH! HAHAHAA! Yah, you are suppose to stay in school at all times unless you are done with all your classes. So yeah, they picked me up. Me and my friend were the first ones to be picked up. They picked up several other people. Ugh! Let me tell you . . . . COPS ARE SOO FUCKING RUDE! They abuse their power like you use a doorknob! And the worst thing is that people do not know their rights . . . they just think cops do have all that power. They insulted a lot of the students they picked. The students weren't even mean or bad to the cops to deserve to be insulted. Then this one time one of the kids that was gonna get picked up was running away and they wen't after him! Three cops went and crashed the kid against this steel fence then they were harassing him and yelling at him and smacking him over the head. I wouldn't have minded if the kid was struggling but they had him down and controlled and he was calm and the cops just kept harassing him and smacking him over the head. It was NOT cool. Anyway, after they finished with that kid, they dropped me and my friend at the school and the rest of the kids were sent to a Truancy center because we weren't cutting any major classes and we were "good mannered." Anyway, they sent us to the deans office and they were soo fucking rude at first. Then they saw my program and said "Oh you are AP" (meaning Advanced Placement) and totally changed their attitudes. They became nice and were soo charming all of a sudden. HAHAHAHA! I was soo cool! Anyway, they said that there was a major fight the day before and that they needed to crack down and that's why I was picked up. SO yeah . . .


Hmmm . . . I guess that's it. Oh! I did Mehndi. I hadn't done Mehndi in sooo long. Here are some pictures:



This is right after I took out the Henna paste.





Oh for those you who watch CNN (I think its CNN) . . . This is a reporter from CNN who I think its sooooo HOT! >.<

Well I'm done. I commented on everyone journals. Take care all.
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