The Eye of the Hurricane; Momentary Clarity
There's something I need to do. It's been burning in the back of my head for two days now, and the more I try to ignore it only makes it all the more noticable. My sleep habits are being affected. My eating habits are being affected, too. It makes me nervous just thinking about what it is, but I know if I don't do something about it sooner rather than later, I may miss out on something that only happens once in a lifetime.
I need courage. I need to stop thinking that if I want something, that my going after it or giving it a bit of a nudge in the right direction is desperate, or in the worst case scenario, selfish. I don't ask for much in this life, just good friends, a loving and supportive family, a steady job where the work doesn't tax my patience and dishearten me into thinking I'm not a competent, functioning member of society. I have all of the aforesaid, but something happened nearly a week ago that has thrown my brain into a bit of a lag. I wasn't really paying attention at the time it happened, but the more I dwell on it, the more good I see in it. I still choose to say nothing about it for fear of jinxing it, or worse, but I know sitting around humming and hawing isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to be more assertive. This is my life, I need to take charge of it.
I gave it a shot when I was literally left on my own and bewildered after high school finished, while all my friends knew where their paths were leading them, and look where I am now. For christ's sake, I'm four months away from turning twenty, and look at all I've accomplished! I work for the Alberta Government. I make a pretty decent salary for someone my age. I still have the safety of living at home, which means few bills to pay, and my family is supporting me in each and every endevor I take upon myself. I'm looking into bettering my linguistic skills in the fall, and I've turned to social dancing as an outlet for my creativity in the meantime. I've made lasting friendships with two of the other interns I've worked with for four months, and they've helped me through a great deal so far. My trainers all think the world of me, and keep a close eye on me when I seem to be reaching my breaking point. My trainers have faith in me. My friends have faith in me. My parents have faith in me, so why is it I'm finding it so hard to draw on the strength I need to accomplish what it is that's holding me back, stuck at this impass?
I need to believe in myself; throw caution to the wind and take a chance. I need to put my selfish and frightened pride aside and get the job done. I called a client yesterday for the first time, and it left me shaking afterwards, even though I was forced to leave a message for them. I answered that call today, in front of the rest of my colleagues, all on my own, and did great (according to my trainers), but I was still scared shitless and shaking. My heart pounding loudly from being so nervous, afraid of making a mistake.
I need to stop being a perfectionist. I need to learn to take myself less seriously than I do. I need to lighten up, enjoy the world as it's meant to be, instead of over-analyzing every little detail and further scrutinizing myself for not living up to "society's expectations". I need to learn to say, "Fuck you!" to society and its convaluted, esteem-lowering rules, and live the way I want to, and the way I know how to.
I need a serious reality check.
So I'll probably sit here for another half an hour, staring anxiously at the phone, debating on whether it's worth the nervousness and uncertainty that will ensue if I get my shit together and do what I have to do. Half of me will tell me to do it, because if not, this opportunity will slip through my fingers, and I'll be left in the dust wondering why I didn't pluck up the courage in the first place. The other half will counter with the usual: anxiety, sounding like a idiot, coming off as something I don't want to, and I'll probably listen to the latter. That is, unless I give myself a swift kick in the ass, and make a decision and stick with it, no matter what the outcome.
Calling a client to extract some information from them doesn't make me feel this stressed, so why does this have such a strong effect on me? Maybe it's because it's part of my job duties, and no one else will do this for me. Or maybe it's because I'm still a little too childish for my own good. Princess-syndrome has never been more of a pain in the ass than right now.
Chicken-shit. That's what I am, a little chicken-shit who can't convince herself to do the what it is she needs to, to get a little closer to that which she wants.
I need courage. I need to stop thinking that if I want something, that my going after it or giving it a bit of a nudge in the right direction is desperate, or in the worst case scenario, selfish. I don't ask for much in this life, just good friends, a loving and supportive family, a steady job where the work doesn't tax my patience and dishearten me into thinking I'm not a competent, functioning member of society. I have all of the aforesaid, but something happened nearly a week ago that has thrown my brain into a bit of a lag. I wasn't really paying attention at the time it happened, but the more I dwell on it, the more good I see in it. I still choose to say nothing about it for fear of jinxing it, or worse, but I know sitting around humming and hawing isn't going to get me anywhere. I need to be more assertive. This is my life, I need to take charge of it.
I gave it a shot when I was literally left on my own and bewildered after high school finished, while all my friends knew where their paths were leading them, and look where I am now. For christ's sake, I'm four months away from turning twenty, and look at all I've accomplished! I work for the Alberta Government. I make a pretty decent salary for someone my age. I still have the safety of living at home, which means few bills to pay, and my family is supporting me in each and every endevor I take upon myself. I'm looking into bettering my linguistic skills in the fall, and I've turned to social dancing as an outlet for my creativity in the meantime. I've made lasting friendships with two of the other interns I've worked with for four months, and they've helped me through a great deal so far. My trainers all think the world of me, and keep a close eye on me when I seem to be reaching my breaking point. My trainers have faith in me. My friends have faith in me. My parents have faith in me, so why is it I'm finding it so hard to draw on the strength I need to accomplish what it is that's holding me back, stuck at this impass?
I need to believe in myself; throw caution to the wind and take a chance. I need to put my selfish and frightened pride aside and get the job done. I called a client yesterday for the first time, and it left me shaking afterwards, even though I was forced to leave a message for them. I answered that call today, in front of the rest of my colleagues, all on my own, and did great (according to my trainers), but I was still scared shitless and shaking. My heart pounding loudly from being so nervous, afraid of making a mistake.
I need to stop being a perfectionist. I need to learn to take myself less seriously than I do. I need to lighten up, enjoy the world as it's meant to be, instead of over-analyzing every little detail and further scrutinizing myself for not living up to "society's expectations". I need to learn to say, "Fuck you!" to society and its convaluted, esteem-lowering rules, and live the way I want to, and the way I know how to.
I need a serious reality check.
So I'll probably sit here for another half an hour, staring anxiously at the phone, debating on whether it's worth the nervousness and uncertainty that will ensue if I get my shit together and do what I have to do. Half of me will tell me to do it, because if not, this opportunity will slip through my fingers, and I'll be left in the dust wondering why I didn't pluck up the courage in the first place. The other half will counter with the usual: anxiety, sounding like a idiot, coming off as something I don't want to, and I'll probably listen to the latter. That is, unless I give myself a swift kick in the ass, and make a decision and stick with it, no matter what the outcome.
Calling a client to extract some information from them doesn't make me feel this stressed, so why does this have such a strong effect on me? Maybe it's because it's part of my job duties, and no one else will do this for me. Or maybe it's because I'm still a little too childish for my own good. Princess-syndrome has never been more of a pain in the ass than right now.
Chicken-shit. That's what I am, a little chicken-shit who can't convince herself to do the what it is she needs to, to get a little closer to that which she wants.