25th Birthday
25 years of life. A quarter of a century.
I pause for reflection on every birthday, but this one a little more so. So let's reflect.
Career: Three articles published, more likely on the way. Possible writing grant coming. Small business getting underway soon. (As soon as I stop being lazy and declare it open). Many projects still unfinished, but getting there. Making video games and composing music; on pause until I get my new computer set up. Overall, career prospects are looking good, and getting better daily.
Financial: For shits to date. With the business starting, should get better.
Physical: Gained back ten of the forty pounds I lost in the last two years, so that puts me up to 134 lbs. Haven't gotten really sick (apart from bad food a month ago) in six months, and I have more energy. Sleep isn't disjointed anymore, I'm getting six to nine hours in, but I wake up just as fatigued as I felt when I woke up every hour. So, health is so-so, but improving, albeit slowly.
Spritual: For the most part, people are honoring my request for space and time. There's too much crap going on other fronts for me to handle this stuff right now. I'm there when needed of course, but the overall calm is much needed and appreciated. I'll get back to this when I'm on more stable footing overall.
Emotionally: Not good. Got into a disagreement with my mother over something trivial. Go figure. I handle it like an adult, and I'm still just as much the bad guy who should be constantly apologising for non-existant affronts. I suppose I got my hopws up when she was conversing like a normal person.
How far have I come? On some fronts, light years. On others (thankfully, the fronts I happen to like a lot) there's no change. Still others, I've gone light years backwards. I feel worse then I did ten years ago, which I didn't think was possible. But then, I say that monthly. ANd monthly, I get worse. The things I want, I can't ever obtain, even when I work hard at it. (Some of them were blown by my own fault, I learned those lessons) I mean, the wants that are immaterial (the only ones I give a damn about). Even in the material, what do I have to show for my efforts? $74 in my wallet.
"Go to California, go be a loser," My mother said to me seven years ago.
Well. No job. No money. No car. No college degree. No novels published. Not even a bloody studio apartment of my own. 90% of all my possessions were gifted to me. 90% of all my friends are beyond my travel distance, and of those that are, most of them are within my travel distance, most of them are only concerned with image and what I can do for them. No sense of security, no measure of peace where I can take a deep breath and say "Ah, this is nice." Strength enough to keep living, but I'm losing strength to keep fighting. Can't get a date because I not only have no desire to look for one, but I also seem to find new and amazing ways to fuck up my chances. And also because no one ever looks for someone like me...with the exception of those who are already engaged/married/committed for long term...you know, the ones who say they'd have snatched me up before anyone else could, can't figure out why I don't have a girlfriend, and in the same breath, tell me "I love you, but not that much" or "Not that way."
My mother was correct in her prophecy it seems. I'm back in the only place that's ever felt like home...And I'm a loser despite the last three years of legitimately trying and trying hard.
True, I can't please everyone. But it's tough as hell to feel this isolated (not alone, there's tons of friends around, so don't mis-read that) all the time, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I've ran out of ideas to boot on how to get out of this pattern. I've tried every option I can think of, and some that were offered by others. Yet I'm still here.
Normally, I don't like Charles Bukowski, but I believe in the title of one of his collections: "All That Matters is How Well You Walk Through the Fire." I agree. Too bad too few of you are bothering to see that.
Happy Birthday to me.
I pause for reflection on every birthday, but this one a little more so. So let's reflect.
Career: Three articles published, more likely on the way. Possible writing grant coming. Small business getting underway soon. (As soon as I stop being lazy and declare it open). Many projects still unfinished, but getting there. Making video games and composing music; on pause until I get my new computer set up. Overall, career prospects are looking good, and getting better daily.
Financial: For shits to date. With the business starting, should get better.
Physical: Gained back ten of the forty pounds I lost in the last two years, so that puts me up to 134 lbs. Haven't gotten really sick (apart from bad food a month ago) in six months, and I have more energy. Sleep isn't disjointed anymore, I'm getting six to nine hours in, but I wake up just as fatigued as I felt when I woke up every hour. So, health is so-so, but improving, albeit slowly.
Spritual: For the most part, people are honoring my request for space and time. There's too much crap going on other fronts for me to handle this stuff right now. I'm there when needed of course, but the overall calm is much needed and appreciated. I'll get back to this when I'm on more stable footing overall.
Emotionally: Not good. Got into a disagreement with my mother over something trivial. Go figure. I handle it like an adult, and I'm still just as much the bad guy who should be constantly apologising for non-existant affronts. I suppose I got my hopws up when she was conversing like a normal person.
How far have I come? On some fronts, light years. On others (thankfully, the fronts I happen to like a lot) there's no change. Still others, I've gone light years backwards. I feel worse then I did ten years ago, which I didn't think was possible. But then, I say that monthly. ANd monthly, I get worse. The things I want, I can't ever obtain, even when I work hard at it. (Some of them were blown by my own fault, I learned those lessons) I mean, the wants that are immaterial (the only ones I give a damn about). Even in the material, what do I have to show for my efforts? $74 in my wallet.
"Go to California, go be a loser," My mother said to me seven years ago.
Well. No job. No money. No car. No college degree. No novels published. Not even a bloody studio apartment of my own. 90% of all my possessions were gifted to me. 90% of all my friends are beyond my travel distance, and of those that are, most of them are within my travel distance, most of them are only concerned with image and what I can do for them. No sense of security, no measure of peace where I can take a deep breath and say "Ah, this is nice." Strength enough to keep living, but I'm losing strength to keep fighting. Can't get a date because I not only have no desire to look for one, but I also seem to find new and amazing ways to fuck up my chances. And also because no one ever looks for someone like me...with the exception of those who are already engaged/married/committed for long term...you know, the ones who say they'd have snatched me up before anyone else could, can't figure out why I don't have a girlfriend, and in the same breath, tell me "I love you, but not that much" or "Not that way."
My mother was correct in her prophecy it seems. I'm back in the only place that's ever felt like home...And I'm a loser despite the last three years of legitimately trying and trying hard.
True, I can't please everyone. But it's tough as hell to feel this isolated (not alone, there's tons of friends around, so don't mis-read that) all the time, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I've ran out of ideas to boot on how to get out of this pattern. I've tried every option I can think of, and some that were offered by others. Yet I'm still here.
Normally, I don't like Charles Bukowski, but I believe in the title of one of his collections: "All That Matters is How Well You Walk Through the Fire." I agree. Too bad too few of you are bothering to see that.
Happy Birthday to me.