Free Floating Formica...
40. 4-0. Forty, forty, forty….
No matter how many times it runs through my brain, it is hard to believe that number belongs to me until I throw it away for the newer version in September.
Being in college again is really hard, and I don’t mean intellectually.
Did you ever see that movie with Adam Sandler? Hell I can’t remember the name, he goes back to school as an adult, shows up for high school in an REO Speedwagon t-shirt and driving a Trans-Am? Hahaha. While that made him the “man” in the 80’s, today, uh, not so much.
Well, I’m not having that type difficulty. Mine is weirder. (Of course, I mean who is Adam Sandler compared to Moi? Fiction to real life?) However, I was an undergraduate in the mid 90's, before Internet was pervasive and everyone carried a cell phone, so there are some Twilight Zone Technology moments for me now.
So what's so hard about it now?
I’m hyper. Always have been. It is difficult for phlegmatic people, hell most people to be around me for any length of time. I can dress it up, make it less real, tell you how its their problem, but nah. At Four Oh! I understand it takes a certain type of personality to tolerate mine. How do I know this? Because all my really close friends, while unique, have very similar personality traits. The biggest characteristic involves a very solid quiet inner strength.
This hyper, mile a minute thing, is not something I can control much. Though adult ADHD is a convenient label today and there are medications. I could tell you I made it just fine this far without them. And to some extent it is true. I've made it this far. I've made it without them.
However, "fine" is in the eye of the beholder isn't it? Was I fine when my impulsive mouth and cutting tongue sliced and diced the few females I knew in Alaska, essentially isolating me for three years? How about the people I've alienated with go go go activities? I once had a lady in a non-profit who refused to work on a committee with me. She said I wore her out, that I talked to fast, moved to fast, and it stressed her out.
I've tried to slow down, to bite my tongue, to count to 10 before I speak. But more often than not, its out before I have a chance to catch it. And most of the time my mind is fifteen steps ahead of where my body is currently located.
Don't get me wrong. While its a tough thing to work out socially, my hyper drive propelled me through situations in life when the people beside me quit or died. And the weird thing about it all is, men don't seem as turned off by my "drive" as women do. I wonder why.
The reason this is on my mind is twofold. First, I acknowledge the fact this is part of who I am and it has caused me great difficulty in life.
Second, I see the same traits in my six year old. I remember being where he is now. Hard to concentrate because your mind is everywhere, which essentially means its nowhere, at all hours of the day and night. Not being able to sit still for even one meal. Talking non-stop, all the time.
I didn't learn to read until 3rd grade because a.) my parents didn't care if I went to school or not and b.) I couldn't focus enough to grasp it. It took too much sitting still and concentrating on one thing time.
I learned to read in 3rd grade. I wrote my first screenplay in 5th.
So where does that put Gavin? Well, frankly I am considering medication. You don't know how hard it is to admit since I have always been one of the poo-pooers who said ADHD/ADD was over diagnosed, or misdiagnosed, that those kids are just kids and people don't want to deal with them.
I didn't see the struggle. How hard it is for my little man to sit still, to focus. And he forgets everything. I have to tell him things twenty times. If he doesn't do it within ten seconds, its gone, he's forgotten it.
I'm not sure about the meds though. I've researched them and HELLO! Amphetamines? I understand it works, but I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of giving hyperactive kids speed. It seems like it will make it worse. Yet one of my nieces is on it and wow what a difference. It seems to "mature" her. She's calmer, more diplomatic, more self-possessed.
But, there is some literature which attempts to connect lack of physical development with these stimulants. Gavin is 6 years old and weighs 44 pounds. He's a little guy and doesn't need anything keeping him from growing.
So right now I am on the fence, but the clock is ticking. He's falling behind in school no matter how much work at home we give him. And falling behind in Kindergarten?
Not. Good.
Is he too young?
Will he snap out of it in a few years?
Will he be able to catch up?
Ya know, sometimes it really sucks being a parent. Knowing a bad choice might damage your child for life.