Hi! I really liked some of your images...amd overall i thought the fic was pretty well constructed - I don't really 'see' this pair, to be honest, but nonetheless I enjoyed reading this. I particularly liked this characterisation:
"Marat’s sister grew up long before he did, younger but older all at once, but at times he doubts how deep the maturity runs. Unlike his sister, who flutters her hands while she talks (pale butterflies with red tips), he gave up on the notion of love when he woke up one morning and realized nothing was forever."
it captures the essential differences and similarities beween the siblings - Marat's tired cynicsm- particularly noticable at the moment..and I really ilke this image:"pale butterflies with red tips" Other images I really liked:
"Paris takes his prize and he’s all white teeth and sweaty hair and his fingers stick to Marat’s on the warm metal of the trophy.
Young, Marat thinks, watching him bounce on the balls of his feet. He won’t admit to missing what that exuberance feels like.
But he does."
again a good characterisation for the time - Marat looked slightly shell shocked at Bercy that year - hardly surprising under the circumstances..
"Marat chases the taste of grape with his tongue and finally fully accepts that this has been coming all along." good sentence - conveys Marat's tendency to fatalism! and my favorite 'image?"
"Hurricane blown hair"
one teeny thing...I'm not sure why you used numbered points...the story is arranged in a fragmentary style, and of course the numbers highlight the 'snapshot' nature of the movement of the characters through time - and if this was your intention then it makes sense..but because you use good imagery, maybe the impact would be greater if you tightened it all up, because you are certainly not bogging down the fic with detail - detail is what gives the 'events' depth and place the characters in space and time - so I would say, keep working on that - and well done!
Hi, wow, thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave such a detailed response. I guess Marat/Tomas is, like I said, an aquired taste and I'm very in love with them because I've spent the last... I guess year weaving this entire story about them with quinoline.
Thank you so much for all the compliment AND for the concrit. :) The numbers were used to create a snapshot situation. Most of the stories I write, since I'm terrible with longer fics, are snapshot type stories or drabbles or one shot fics because I tend to... really lose the point if I try to go too long. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm making up excuses -- because I'm not, believe me. I know that my stories could always, always use quite a bit of polishing up.
"Marat’s sister grew up long before he did, younger but older all at once, but at times he doubts how deep the maturity runs. Unlike his sister, who flutters her hands while she talks (pale butterflies with red tips), he gave up on the notion of love when he woke up one morning and realized nothing was forever."
it captures the essential differences and similarities beween the siblings - Marat's tired cynicsm- particularly noticable at the moment..and I really ilke this image:"pale butterflies with red tips"
Other images I really liked:
"Paris takes his prize and he’s all white teeth and sweaty hair and his fingers stick to Marat’s on the warm metal of the trophy.
Young, Marat thinks, watching him bounce on the balls of his feet. He won’t admit to missing what that exuberance feels like.
But he does."
again a good characterisation for the time - Marat looked slightly shell shocked at Bercy that year - hardly surprising under the circumstances..
"Marat chases the taste of grape with his tongue and finally fully accepts that this has been coming all along."
good sentence - conveys Marat's tendency to fatalism!
and my favorite 'image?"
"Hurricane blown hair"
one teeny thing...I'm not sure why you used numbered points...the story is arranged in a fragmentary style, and of course the numbers highlight the 'snapshot' nature of the movement of the characters through time - and if this was your intention then it makes sense..but because you use good imagery, maybe the impact would be greater if you tightened it all up, because you are certainly not bogging down the fic with detail - detail is what gives the 'events' depth and place the characters in space and time - so I would say, keep working on that - and well done!
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Thank you so much for all the compliment AND for the concrit. :) The numbers were used to create a snapshot situation. Most of the stories I write, since I'm terrible with longer fics, are snapshot type stories or drabbles or one shot fics because I tend to... really lose the point if I try to go too long. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm making up excuses -- because I'm not, believe me. I know that my stories could always, always use quite a bit of polishing up.
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