(no subject)
me: are you going to say what that something is?
I: I should but I'm not sure who to say it just right. I'm not sure where to start maybe you should start.
me: well I'm going to be a father.
I:Uh, huh and this is something you've wanted, right?
me: yep
I: But you don't seem very happy about it.
Me: No I'm ... well i did, I do want to be a father, but i had some very specific ideas about what being a father meant, and one of those ideas was that just having a kid doesn't necessarily make you a father.
I: What does that mean?
Me: It means I wanted to be a good father. It meant being stable, financially, emotionally, geographically. It means having a partner that i trust, that i love that i feel confident i can work things through with.
I: Some of that sounds like it's not just you.
Me: yes, yes some of being a father meant being part of something.
A: You are a part of something you just have to try, you have to be willing to open up.
Me: I am trying, it's not a matter of trying, it's something before trying, something below it. We are so different and that would be Ok if we could at least get to a common ground and be OK with our differences but-
I: I'm gonna stop you there for a second and backtrack.
Me: Sure
I: It seems like part of the problem is that you got to attached to your ideas about fatherhood.
Me: Is that your idea
I: Maybe it's Erin or Buddha, but that doesn't matter.
Me: Sure you're right, I was too attached, but that doesn't make it wrong. They were good ideas worth being attached to.
I:But you admit that it would be easier now if you hadn't been so attached.
Me: Yes, that's true, but the fact that it would be easier now doesn't mean that your ideas weren't worthwhile.
I: .... and having this kid puts those plans at risk.
me: right and it's not just plans of fatherhood, it's love and a career. It's trying to do something worthwhile. It's trying to make the world a better place. It's what people are going to think of you.
C: You're the master of your own destiny man. You can do whatever you want to do.
Me: Yeah, I can do whatever I want. I am free.
A: You have a responsibility.
Me: I do have a responsibility. I have a lot of responsibilities.
gma: you have a responsibility to fulfill your potential. you had good plans.
gpa: there are mistakes we made with your mother that you can prevent.
gparents: The channeler said you are going to make a difference.
me... yeah umm.. I think I can.
C: I know you can man.
Me: Thanks.
A:......
Me: I don't think i can do those things if I have to support a kid and A.
A: You're being selfish.
Me: Maybe, maybe just self-centered. I put a lot into school and my job. It's a drain and you drain me too and make me feel guilty when i try to do the things i need to recover.
I: No one makes you feel anything. You are responsible for you're own feelings.
A: We're supposed to support each other, I need you around, why can't we relax together?
Me: We can, we do. I just need to have time to myself, and to meet other people. Before i met you i would spend weeks and not "spend time" with anyone. Now I can't go a day w/out doing something w/ you.
A: I leave you alone. I hate it, but I sit in my room and let you be alone.
Me: You do, but even when I am alone I know are up there wanting to do something and so I'm not really alone. I want to do things to, it's lonely being alone, but I need to be lonely, I want you to be doing your own things so my alone time is not a favor that you're doing for me. I push you away becuase i want you to be more independent.
A: this is hard for me too.
Me: I know it is.
I: well I'm done writing now. I wrote this up awhile ago, in class actually, with the intention of putting it up here. I haven't written anything in awhile. These words felt more real/pertinent when i wrote them. Things have changed since them. I'm not sure how exactly.
For a more coherent account of the situation between Amanda and I go here:
http://amandaquu.livejournal.com/6096.html