Acts Of Lunacy
1. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
2. After stopping for a drink at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
Yep! I like that one.
3. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
What do they teach in school?
4. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I
was hoping that they would show up again.
5. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would be robber did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Again I wonder about those schools.
6. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a Look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
7. A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then
The driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him
so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your
fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving
a hearse for the last 25 years!"
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but ar! e both m arried
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tree Hugger...
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the
top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the
nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened
to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and
waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
"What took you so long?"
He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
2. After stopping for a drink at a bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
Yep! I like that one.
3. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
What do they teach in school?
4. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and
silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I
was hoping that they would show up again.
5. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would be robber did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
Again I wonder about those schools.
6. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a Look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
7. A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then
The driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized
and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him
so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your
fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving
a hearse for the last 25 years!"
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but ar! e both m arried
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tree Hugger...
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the
top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the
nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened
to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and
waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,
"What took you so long?"
He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational
area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."