(no subject)
Well today my family finally spent time together. We went out to dinner, shopping and to a movie. So that was fun. Then me and my mom had a long talk. For some reason- on days when I'm off- if my parents are here- I can sleep til late in the afternoon, but when they aren't here I can't sleep past like 9am. Then we started talking and realized that I was abandoned a lot when I was a little kid by my real parents and I have huge issues with being alone sometimes. So thats why I like being around family around holidays, why I can't sleep without someone somehwere nearby, why my friends mean so much to me, why i distance myself when it comes to relationships or why I do half of the shit I do and why I'll be mean to push people away. I hate that about me. Why oculdn't I have had a normal life as a kid instead of go through tons of foster homes before I was even 2 years old? I was in like more than 20 in less than a year, lived with tons of strangers, got left by my parents.....and now I'm probablly fucked up for life in that way. I absolutly hate it. I sat in my room crying today just wishing that I had a normal life as a kid. Then I had cancer which got me teased in school so yeah I can take getting made fun of until a point. So you all think that I'm always happy, because I'm always smiling? Maybe if you looked deeper- I didn't have a perfect/great family life, I was sick my entire life, and there's always that chance of cancer coming back, I have to be extreamely careful at what I do, where I go, I can't get many x-rays because of my cancer, I was adopted, my real parents didn't want me, i was raped when i was a kid by the guy who still lives next door with me and i can't go outside without him staring at me......so yeah......maybe if some of you actually knew that.......you would see why I act the way I do sometimes. I guess I'm always just gonna be fucked up somehow.....there's no way to fix it.
Oh and on another great note. I just found out...a big article in the paper...that 2 kids i knew from school(1 i graduated with) robbed the local gas station at gun point and are both now in jail. That's jsut freakin dandy. This is why I hate this little town. So...lets see...I graduated with 110 people.....about 10 are in jail, about 20 dropped out, and about 50 are married or engaged.....and there's the freakin class of 2003.
Oh and on another great note. I just found out...a big article in the paper...that 2 kids i knew from school(1 i graduated with) robbed the local gas station at gun point and are both now in jail. That's jsut freakin dandy. This is why I hate this little town. So...lets see...I graduated with 110 people.....about 10 are in jail, about 20 dropped out, and about 50 are married or engaged.....and there's the freakin class of 2003.