(no subject)
I have been writing a lot more lately, trying to wrap my head around a lot of things. Writing for no one but myself has always been my best therapy, and usually it helps me sort out the grey areas in my brain so I can see more clearly and make better decisions that are equal parts emotion and logic - which has never been my strong point. I've decided that first and foremost what I need to change is my outlook on my life. I need to realize what is good in my life, and I need to believe in myself and focus on myself in a way that is less self pitying and depressing and more motivated and self analyzing. I think writing more is a good first step in that direction. Whether its poetry, journaling, prose, lists, anything... I just need to get my head on straight.
I also need to stop comparing where I am in my life to where other people are in their lives. I need to realize it doesn't matter where I am in life compared to other 21 year olds, it only matters if I'm happy about where I am for myself. I have to stop beating myself up over not being as financially, or emotionally stable as other people. I keep reminding myself that I'm still young, and while I can use the talented people around me who are doing well as inspiration, I can't make myself feel bad because they have something I don't have. I will get there eventually, but first I have to figure out where there is so I can make sure my destination is a happy one.
One immediate goal I need to reach is learning how to control my temper and my emotions better. My nerves, anxiety, and overall neuroticism need to be tamed, because they are affecting my relationships with almost everyone important in my life. Where I am right now is a mix between a active mine field and a complete recluse. The person I spend all my time with has to tiptoe around me or beware this rage that rises in me at almost nothing. The fact that we have no privacy, and both our lives are extremely unstable and stressfull have taken its toll on Paul and I, and we are constantly at odds with each other lately. It's really difficult to go from being able to do whatever we want whereever we want - whether its sex or smoking a cigarette or even just watching tv - to living in a small cramped room and having to keep our voices down and live around someone elses life has been a horribly difficult adjustment. And while I am truly grateful for my grandmother for helping us out and opening up her home to not only me but my boyfriend, its still difficult to have an adult relationship and live with any family member, especially one that raised you, and would probably rather not know about creaking mattresses or sleeping in the nude.
So for a while there, with our fighting all the time and lack of privacy, Paul and my relationship was not doing well at all, but the more I think about it, and really look both backward and forward, I am happy with him, and as tough as it may be, and as much as everyone thinks I'm crazy, I'm happy with him. He may not be perfect, and we may not always get along, and we may fight like we hate each other, but at the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed next to him and we've both survived another 24 hours of being broke and underpaid or unemployed and dealing with all our problems, I'm really happy to be there next to him dealing with all of that together.
I also need to stop comparing where I am in my life to where other people are in their lives. I need to realize it doesn't matter where I am in life compared to other 21 year olds, it only matters if I'm happy about where I am for myself. I have to stop beating myself up over not being as financially, or emotionally stable as other people. I keep reminding myself that I'm still young, and while I can use the talented people around me who are doing well as inspiration, I can't make myself feel bad because they have something I don't have. I will get there eventually, but first I have to figure out where there is so I can make sure my destination is a happy one.
One immediate goal I need to reach is learning how to control my temper and my emotions better. My nerves, anxiety, and overall neuroticism need to be tamed, because they are affecting my relationships with almost everyone important in my life. Where I am right now is a mix between a active mine field and a complete recluse. The person I spend all my time with has to tiptoe around me or beware this rage that rises in me at almost nothing. The fact that we have no privacy, and both our lives are extremely unstable and stressfull have taken its toll on Paul and I, and we are constantly at odds with each other lately. It's really difficult to go from being able to do whatever we want whereever we want - whether its sex or smoking a cigarette or even just watching tv - to living in a small cramped room and having to keep our voices down and live around someone elses life has been a horribly difficult adjustment. And while I am truly grateful for my grandmother for helping us out and opening up her home to not only me but my boyfriend, its still difficult to have an adult relationship and live with any family member, especially one that raised you, and would probably rather not know about creaking mattresses or sleeping in the nude.
So for a while there, with our fighting all the time and lack of privacy, Paul and my relationship was not doing well at all, but the more I think about it, and really look both backward and forward, I am happy with him, and as tough as it may be, and as much as everyone thinks I'm crazy, I'm happy with him. He may not be perfect, and we may not always get along, and we may fight like we hate each other, but at the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed next to him and we've both survived another 24 hours of being broke and underpaid or unemployed and dealing with all our problems, I'm really happy to be there next to him dealing with all of that together.