(no subject)
"It get's old pretty quick...and sometimes you reolize it a little too late, if at all"...I don't know how to tell him that I know how he feels, that he's not alone. I think about what I would of liked for someone to tell me when I was in his place, and the only thing I can remember is not wanting anyone to tell me anything about anything. According to me I was fine. It was everyone else who was wrong. I can remember the extreem changes of being high and sober. It wasn't the getting high effect that got old, it was the coming down part. I remember everything feeling so perfect the moment I took that line in, according to me, everything was perfect, I had a job, I went to school, I had a bf who "loved" me, I had great frineds who would never let me come down from my heaven, they never told me that what I was doing was wrong, I felt so alive. Then there were those sober days, when life it's self was hell. Those were the days when I had the worst job in the world, I was about to fail school. I didn't know what I wanted from life and it was a big deal for me. My bf was a complete looser who got fired from his job because he was too buisy getting high with me. And it was only when I was sober that I could see my "great" friends dieing infront of me. I felt so lonley and missunderstood. I swore my parents hated me, I knew they were just jealous becuase they didn't get to live the way I was living. They wanted to ruin my life so I could end up like them. It use to hurt so bad being sober, it was a phisical pain, I didn't know where it started or where it ended. I couldn't take deep breaths, I felt I was drowning in all the tears that I couldn't push out. I thought about ending it all. Almost everytime I would drive home from Mikes house I would think about driving into a wall going 70mph, but then I would think, "what if I don't die, what if nothing too bad happens?" Then I would be stuck living, and having to live without another line. At least alive I could always snort a little and everything would be ok again.
I'm still not sure how it all stoped, I don't remember the day when I decided things had to change. I remember wanting to go away from everything and everyone. But that wouldn't of solved anything. I'm glad things happened the way they did. I feel like me again. The way I look at it. It's weird how something so big had to happen for me to reolize what really matters.
Now that I'm extreemly close to being a mom, I trully understand my parents. I swore I would be the coolest mom ever when I had kids, that I was gonna let them be free, and do whatever they wanted. But you know what? It's so different. I reolized that as we grow up, we tend to forget how hard it was to be yung, I know I sound like an old hag but it's true. We tend to forget how big of a deal things were. For example: when I was 5 I remember crying for hours because my best friend wouldn't hold my hand anymore, she said I had cooties because I ate play-do. If I were to see a 5 year old do that now, I would laugh my ass off and tell her to get over it. That's what parents do, there is so much a person reolizes when their going to be a parent. It's hard to explain, but I would hate for my son to get a tattoo, I have two. I would hate for my son to get pierceings, I had 12. I will die if my son ever tries any type of drugs, and well, we all know my "dramatic" story. Now I understand what my parents ment when they would tell me that they wished they could keep me in a glass box. I haven't even meet my son yet, and I'm already planing on desighning this glass box for him!.
I guess the best I can do is try to never forget how I felt, what I use to think, and how, and why I changed. It might work and it might not. Whatever happens happens. And I do wish I would of listened to my parents, I wish I wouldn't of been so self centered. I wish I would of known how much they love me. Thank God I'm not too late.
I'm still not sure how it all stoped, I don't remember the day when I decided things had to change. I remember wanting to go away from everything and everyone. But that wouldn't of solved anything. I'm glad things happened the way they did. I feel like me again. The way I look at it. It's weird how something so big had to happen for me to reolize what really matters.
Now that I'm extreemly close to being a mom, I trully understand my parents. I swore I would be the coolest mom ever when I had kids, that I was gonna let them be free, and do whatever they wanted. But you know what? It's so different. I reolized that as we grow up, we tend to forget how hard it was to be yung, I know I sound like an old hag but it's true. We tend to forget how big of a deal things were. For example: when I was 5 I remember crying for hours because my best friend wouldn't hold my hand anymore, she said I had cooties because I ate play-do. If I were to see a 5 year old do that now, I would laugh my ass off and tell her to get over it. That's what parents do, there is so much a person reolizes when their going to be a parent. It's hard to explain, but I would hate for my son to get a tattoo, I have two. I would hate for my son to get pierceings, I had 12. I will die if my son ever tries any type of drugs, and well, we all know my "dramatic" story. Now I understand what my parents ment when they would tell me that they wished they could keep me in a glass box. I haven't even meet my son yet, and I'm already planing on desighning this glass box for him!.
I guess the best I can do is try to never forget how I felt, what I use to think, and how, and why I changed. It might work and it might not. Whatever happens happens. And I do wish I would of listened to my parents, I wish I wouldn't of been so self centered. I wish I would of known how much they love me. Thank God I'm not too late.