(no subject)
Today finally proved to me that there's something wrong with me.
All it took was for me to get lost in the middle of the night without any gas and my "check gages" sign going off, and presto: I'm a fucking mess. My car's still sitting out in the driveway without any gas; I'm going to have to ask Sean's dad to either put some gas in the car, or ask him to take me to the gas station to get some gas to do it. Either way, I'm fucking done with myself.
You hear that, Sean? I'm fucking through with myself. I can't take myself any longer. I can't decide anything for myself anymore. I can't stand to listen to myself talk, or even think. I'm beginning to feel horribly, horribly alone while standing in the middle of crowded rooms. I can't figure out anything for myself. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I can't do math. I can't write anymore. I can't play games anymore. I can't stand to be around myself anymore. Everything I say annoys the piss out of me. I'm getting mad at myself for no reason other than the fact that I'm a cynical, needy, greedy little bitch. I'm sad because I can't change it when I want to so badly. I feel like I'm losing those closest to me; namely Sean.
The worst of it all is I feel so fucking lonely. So goddamn fucking lonely that I want to rip my hair out. Even in the middle of the mall, even when laying in bed next to Sean, even when talking on the phone to Thania, I'm so fucking lonely all the time. Everyone in the goddamn world but me could have died and rotted away and it wouldn't feel any different.
And now I'm crying uncontrollably because I know my car is out of gas, and I'm miles away from a gas station, and I don't want to ask Sean's dad to help me. And I don't want to ask Sean, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm crying because I'm so done with myself. I'm so fucking done. I'm done missing my long hair, I'm done with feeling so unattractive, I'm done feeling helpless; most of all, I'm done feeling so alone.
I've been apologizing so much, lately, for things I shouldn't be apologizing for. And that's one thing that's starting to piss me off. I'm apologizing to Sean for going off on him when I should be able to! He fucking breached my trust, and I let him get away with it. How could he not expect me to still be sensitive about it? How can he be so insensitive at all? I don't fucking understand.
Fuck. Just, fuckin' fuck.
I want.... something. I want to not be so mad at myself. I'm just so fucking angry at myself. I don't know why. Because I love too hard, trip too much, think too deeply. I'm cynical, I'm cautious, I'm insecure. I want to be liked, and try hard to be liked. But in trying to be liked, I find myself to be just the most annoying thing on the planet. And it drives me nuts. Like a gnat in the eye, or a mosquito in the ear.
And Sean. Fuckin' Sean. I love him. Oh god, do I love him. I would do anything, kill anyone, for that boy. He is everything I could have ever asked for. But I don't know how he feels. A week ago, I would have said he loved me. But I don't know anymore. How can anyone love an abomination like me? A tiny, ugly little gnat of a girl who think she knows everything and doesn't have an inkling of a sense of humor. How can he love me, if I can't love me? Why can't I?
I failed my math exam. I don't know this for fact. But, process of elimination told me so: I don't test well, and halfway through I blanked. Fuckin' blanked. I fuckin' studied my ass off for that thing, and I fuckin' blanked.
What the hell?
And it's fucking 3 in the morning, and everyone's asleep. I'd give anything to talk to someone right now. I really want to talk to Sean. I feel like I've held back all this when we talked, and now I just want to let the gates open and the water flow. But he's tired of me. He's tired of listening to be apologize, tell him things will get better. I hope they do. But I don't see it. I'm holding him back. He told Austin I'm holding him back. I don't see how; I told him to stay in school. I don't see how I had any control over his actions. Why do I have to take to blame? God dammit. What a lovely little hole I dug myself.
I don't want God. I don't want Satan, either. Or any deity. I want me. I want to find faith in myself. Because I can't depend on anyone but me. Everyone else has failed me.
Ughhhh. Fuckin... god dammit. I'm so fucking fed up with myself right now.
All it took was for me to get lost in the middle of the night without any gas and my "check gages" sign going off, and presto: I'm a fucking mess. My car's still sitting out in the driveway without any gas; I'm going to have to ask Sean's dad to either put some gas in the car, or ask him to take me to the gas station to get some gas to do it. Either way, I'm fucking done with myself.
You hear that, Sean? I'm fucking through with myself. I can't take myself any longer. I can't decide anything for myself anymore. I can't stand to listen to myself talk, or even think. I'm beginning to feel horribly, horribly alone while standing in the middle of crowded rooms. I can't figure out anything for myself. I can't sleep. I can't stay awake. I can't do math. I can't write anymore. I can't play games anymore. I can't stand to be around myself anymore. Everything I say annoys the piss out of me. I'm getting mad at myself for no reason other than the fact that I'm a cynical, needy, greedy little bitch. I'm sad because I can't change it when I want to so badly. I feel like I'm losing those closest to me; namely Sean.
The worst of it all is I feel so fucking lonely. So goddamn fucking lonely that I want to rip my hair out. Even in the middle of the mall, even when laying in bed next to Sean, even when talking on the phone to Thania, I'm so fucking lonely all the time. Everyone in the goddamn world but me could have died and rotted away and it wouldn't feel any different.
And now I'm crying uncontrollably because I know my car is out of gas, and I'm miles away from a gas station, and I don't want to ask Sean's dad to help me. And I don't want to ask Sean, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm crying because I'm so done with myself. I'm so fucking done. I'm done missing my long hair, I'm done with feeling so unattractive, I'm done feeling helpless; most of all, I'm done feeling so alone.
I've been apologizing so much, lately, for things I shouldn't be apologizing for. And that's one thing that's starting to piss me off. I'm apologizing to Sean for going off on him when I should be able to! He fucking breached my trust, and I let him get away with it. How could he not expect me to still be sensitive about it? How can he be so insensitive at all? I don't fucking understand.
Fuck. Just, fuckin' fuck.
I want.... something. I want to not be so mad at myself. I'm just so fucking angry at myself. I don't know why. Because I love too hard, trip too much, think too deeply. I'm cynical, I'm cautious, I'm insecure. I want to be liked, and try hard to be liked. But in trying to be liked, I find myself to be just the most annoying thing on the planet. And it drives me nuts. Like a gnat in the eye, or a mosquito in the ear.
And Sean. Fuckin' Sean. I love him. Oh god, do I love him. I would do anything, kill anyone, for that boy. He is everything I could have ever asked for. But I don't know how he feels. A week ago, I would have said he loved me. But I don't know anymore. How can anyone love an abomination like me? A tiny, ugly little gnat of a girl who think she knows everything and doesn't have an inkling of a sense of humor. How can he love me, if I can't love me? Why can't I?
I failed my math exam. I don't know this for fact. But, process of elimination told me so: I don't test well, and halfway through I blanked. Fuckin' blanked. I fuckin' studied my ass off for that thing, and I fuckin' blanked.
What the hell?
And it's fucking 3 in the morning, and everyone's asleep. I'd give anything to talk to someone right now. I really want to talk to Sean. I feel like I've held back all this when we talked, and now I just want to let the gates open and the water flow. But he's tired of me. He's tired of listening to be apologize, tell him things will get better. I hope they do. But I don't see it. I'm holding him back. He told Austin I'm holding him back. I don't see how; I told him to stay in school. I don't see how I had any control over his actions. Why do I have to take to blame? God dammit. What a lovely little hole I dug myself.
I don't want God. I don't want Satan, either. Or any deity. I want me. I want to find faith in myself. Because I can't depend on anyone but me. Everyone else has failed me.
Ughhhh. Fuckin... god dammit. I'm so fucking fed up with myself right now.