Just a Beautiful Disaster (1/?)
Pairing: Trentbastian
Rating: M for Mature, I guess.
Genre(s): Angst, Hurt/Comfort, complicated friendship and romance?
Warnings: Alcohol consumption, emotional manipulation, mentions of self loathing and depression.
Summary: AU-ish story about everything that happened back in Dalton ever since Sebastian walked through it’s doors. Trent reflects on how his life changed ever since he met Sebastian, and as they built what too soon became a strained friendship full of unrequited feelings, confused signals and heartbreak. Story mildly follows canon up until 3x11 Michael.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, of course. Also, before you read this you should know this is my first fic, English is not my first language and I don’t have a beta yet. This is just a story that came to me one night of restless sleep, and after feeding my prompt to a couple of authors and no one really writing anything (sadface) I decided to do it myself, yay! This story will be Trentbastian with mild mentions of Seblaine.
Interrupted sleep. It was his second restless night but somehow it felt like it had been weeks. And even though silence and darkness were the only things surrounding him in his room, he still didn’t and couldn’t feel alone. It’s like he was always there in the back of his mind. His sudden absence in his life somehow only made him even more present. His face appearing as soon as he closed his eyes, piercing green eyes looking deep and right through him. His voice echoing in his ears, muting out his own pleas for it to stop. The night outside his window was quiet, there weren’t even cricket noises like he would notice every other night. It could almost be peaceful, if it wasn’t for the fact that there was a storm happening inside him. He opened his eyes and sighed heavily, defeated. He couldn’t sleep. Not even in the quiet darkness of the night and the emptiness of his own room could his mind stop reeling, or his heart stop hurting. Biting back the sting of tears, he shuffled in below his bed sheets. He kept telling himself that what’s done is done, and there was nothing he could do about it now. Yet his mind kept replaying what happened two days before over and over again, like a vicious cycle of self torture.
He had stood against Sebastian, even if he hadn’t done it with his words or even with that intention, but it was what it all came down to in the end. After Warbler practice on Wednesday, Sebastian had told them that they needed to go to McKinley High to face the New Directions again and finish their whole face off rivalry over performing Michael Jackson thing, but it had all blown over in just a matter of seconds. One minute they were all sitting down, wearing their best poker faces as the New Directions sang on stage and the other they were dancing along with them, their backs turned quite literally against Sebastian as they got lost in the moves and rhythm of the whole thing. He remembered the exact second it had happened, and he had been the one who provoked it. The New Directions were on stage, and their performance was great, it was joyful and amazing, and for a moment he just wished he could be a part of it. He was just tired of all the fighting, the dirty looks and defiant attitudes. That is not what being a Warbler was about for him, but somehow that is what it had turned into ever since Sebastian had taken over as captain of the Warblers. Sebastian-freaking-Smythe, who came in as a windstorm and managed to change everything about the Warblers and challenged them to be the best they had ever been. Sebastian, who had charmed his way into the highest ranks of every single social group in Dalton Academy only days after he had just transferred out of the blue and right into his senior year. With his charming smile, handsome face, beautiful green eyes and personality that was like a magnet, attracting everyone towards him.
He was overconfident and even cocky, but Sebastian also had another side to him, one he didn’t really show to many people. One that Trent had been lucky (he knew that now) to witness for the past 5 months. He was easygoing, funny and even kind when they were alone, whether it was while they were working on their lab projects together (they had being paired up by the teacher since the first day of school), doing other homework, helping each other practice their songs or just walking back to the parking lot after Sebastian had finished his Lacrosse practice and Trent was done with this tutoring on Tuesdays and Thrusdays. It was a comfortable and easy companionship he had been able to enjoy until two days ago when Sebastian started completely ignoring his existence.
He never intended to cause divisiveness and trouble within the Warblers, he just wanted things to go back to normal, back to easy. He had convinced himself that joining the dancing group on stage was what they needed. That maybe then they could all just see that they were not that different, that they could get along, even be friends. He didn’t want to have enemies, especially not over some stupid music competition. So he kept telling himself that it was what needed to be done, also that it had been the right thing to do. Because it was, right? But then why did he feel so awful about it? Why did he feel like he was the one in the wrong side of things? He hadn’t done anything wrong, not on purpose. He just wanted to be his usual friendly self, he got caught in the moment, just wanted to have fun. He never expected all the Warblers to follow him along when he stood up and got on the stage with the New Directions in the McKinley auditorium. And he definitely didn’t expect The Warblers to demand Sebastian stop his vicious rivalry nonsense after the performance ended. He had been frozen in the spot, mouth open and eyes wide with panic as he saw how Nick told Sebastian to just “give it up already” and how the rest of the Warblers stood in silent agreement, against him. He had not been able to hold Sebastian’s gaze when he looked at him right after Artie kicked him out of the Auditorium. He could have looked at anyone; Jeff, Nick and Thad were standing closer to the front in comparison, yet Sebastian focused on him, green eyes filled with… disappointment? Betrayal? And in that quick second Trent had seen how the boy he had come to know and develop a close friendship with was shutting him out. With a nonchalant half chuckle he had turned away and exited the auditorium and in a sense, he had also exited Trent’s life.
Now everything was a mess. And maybe he had started the whole revolution-against-Sebastian situation with his stunt at the McKinley auditorium, but actually things had been building up for a long time before that day. Sebastian had crossed a line, he had managed to injure Blaine. That was horrible, yet not completely unexpected from Sebastian, but the impressive thing was how he had managed to make the Warblers help him do it. It was like he held some kind of power over them; they idolized him, and would do anything he told them to, convinced that if Sebastian said it, it had to be a good idea. Trent hadn’t known about the slushie, but apparently the rest of the guys did. Even if the ones specifically helping Sebastian out were only Nick and Jon, it was like the rest of them made a point of hiding it from Trent. Had Sebastian asked them not to tell him? Of course, because he must have known that he would try to talk him out of it. Well, he was tired of that, Sebastian had gone too far this time, and he needed someone to make him realize it. He just wished he had done it another way that didn’t cost him his friendship with the boy.
Like right after the parking lot incident, when he had tried to talk to Sebastian, suggesting he call Blaine to see if he was okay, but Sebastian had shrugged it off saying Blaine was probably over reacting and trying to call attention to stop their inevitable defeat against the Warblers in their performance stunt on the parking lot. Trent had convinced himself that maybe Sebastian was right, and Blaine was okay, even if the slushie had been a dickish thing to do. But now in the dead of night, with all his conflicting emotions and regrets, he felt stupid. Because of course Sebastian would get him to see things his way, and he was stupid enough to bring him a slushie to the orchestra room even though he knew it would most likely end up in Santana’s face. He had been made an accomplice to the same thing he opposed just a few days before, just in order to please Sebastian. How pathetic could he get?
No wonder Sebastian didn’t take him seriously. He was easy to read, and easy to handle. As much as he had tried since the beginning to hide his feelings towards Sebastian as they continued to grow inside him, it had been as obvious as if he had them written in his forehead. However, the thing that had him intrigued was that Sebastian never used that against him. He never mocked him, or push him away. He kept him close, seemed at ease hanging out with him, even when their friendship blurred the lines into more than friends yet not really anything else. Of course it meant nothing to Sebastian, but for Trent it was like walking in the air, floating. Like living in a place he never thought could exist outside of his wildest dreams. And now it had all gone to shit.
Ever since he had left the McKinley auditorium on Wednesday afternoon, Sebastian didn’t want anything to do with the Warblers, or with Trent for that matter. Sebastian’s pride had been wounded, that much was obvious, and they all expected to have to deal with it and maybe the inevitable rage that he would unleash on them for embarrassing him in front of those “ridiculous public school brats” as he had often referred to the New Directions. They had spent a while talking outside the McKinley parking lot, mostly coming up with possible scenarios of what Sebastian would do and say to them the next day at rehearsal and how they could manage to confront him, discuss the issues that needed to be addressed and resolve everything quickly enough so this whole fiasco wouldn’t take precious time away from their rehearsals as they prepared to compete in regionals.
So when Sebastian decided to just shake it, in fact, shake them off, they were indignant, and also worried. It was like they had just dropped off the face of the earth for him. It was the most infuriating thing; Sebastian didn’t even seem to be affected by the loss of his place as captain of the Warblers (since of course, he was the one who had quit, with a brief and fairly impersonal email sent to Thad, wishing them best of luck with the mediocrity they had obviously chosen). If anything, he seemed relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, occasionally shooting them his annoyingly cocky half grins from the other side of the lunch room where he sat with the guys from the Lacrosse team, or only half-acknowledging them as he walked passed by in the hallways on his way to class. Sebastian always, always had company, someone to talk to, and people willing to hang out with him for lunch or after class. He was popular. Damn him and his self-sufficiency. He was supposed to be hurting, reflecting on his bad deeds and trying to work things out with the Warblers. But apparently he couldn’t be bothered. He just didn’t seem to care anymore. Once again, Trent’s good intentions had gotten him in a terrible situation and left him with too many regrets.
After having his calls and texts ignored Wednesday night and his existence completely disregarded at school the next day. Trent couldn’t bring himself to look at Sebastian in the eye in Biology class on Friday. Still, much to his own self-loathing, he had managed to send him a few more texts earlier that afternoon, asking if he would please talk to him. He regretted having sent them the second he hit the button, especially when after hours and hours nothing came as a response. He was furious, and sad. Was he really going to lose Sebastian? Was he really never going to be his friend again, or even, an acquaintance? Maybe that was the reason he felt even more restless as he dwelled in his thoughts in the middle of the night. Tomorrow he would have to face Sebastian and sit next to him in class. Feeling specially pathetic and unimportant since he was apparently so quickly discarded from his life after being close friends. He felt his heart ache wondering if he would continue to ignore him. Somehow the silent treatment seemed unlikely when they had to at least talk about their assignments for class. But it was going to be hell. Awkward and painful hell.
What if Sebastian was going to start being rude to him? What if he never got the chance to talk to the open and easygoing boy he had come to know these past months? What if instead he was forever faced with the cruel and calculating version of Sebastian Smythe? The one whose words cut like knives and indifference burned like acid, the one that so many other people had to deal with because of not having the fortune of falling in his good graces? Trent had witnessed that many times before, and not only with Kurt and the New Directions, but with members of Sebastian’s own family and other “nobodies” at school. He felt a cold shiver run through his spine. He would not survive that. He was not strong enough, and his own feelings for Sebastian would just make everything a thousand times worse. He already felt like a whole had been punched through his chest. And he hadn’t even actually talked to Sebastian yet. The uncertainty was killing him.
He closed his eyes again and decided he really needed to try to sleep, or else he would look terrible in the morning. And he couldn’t afford for Sebastian to notice how affected he was with everything that had happened. Of course that was just wishful thinking and he knew it. Sebastian had his way of reading him like an open book. But the thing is, Trent had also been able to read Sebastian before, it was like he could see into his heart on those few rare occasions where they would have long talks about everything from school to family, hopes and fears, life goals and past regrets. He cherished those moments, even if they were few, especially on those occasions where Sebastian would seem overwhelmed by the pressure from his parents, and their continued absence. As it was like being far away so often on work related trips only made them focus on his results at school and the clubs and committees he was involved in rather than paying attention to him as a person. So in those rare moments, even if just a little, he could read him. And it just made him want to know and discover everything about him. To be able to read into the rest of the secrets and vulnerabilities and insecurities that he hid under his overconfident and beautiful exterior. Yet now, it was like that window into Sebastian’s life had been shut right in his face and he had gotten his fingers caught and smashed with it. So after much dwelling in his own emotional pain and his brain’s complete inability to shut up, he finally managed to drift off to sleep. Even though his dreams were filled with images of disappointed green eyes in a beautiful freckled face. Too soon he woke up to the sound of his alarm blasting in his ears. It was almost as he had only slept 1 hour, with how exhausted he felt. “I can do this… I can actually do this.” - he muttered almost in a whisper. Maybe if he kept telling himself that, he would actually start to believe it. He would face Sebastian in class today and deal with whatever life was going to throw at him like a champ. And so he dragged himself out of bed and proceeded to take a shower and get ready for school.
Between the stress and hurry of getting ready and the nerves of his impending encounter with Sebastian (for first period, nonetheless) and after having his mother force him to have breakfast even though his stomach was doing backflips, he ran out the door and to his car. Just as he was about to leave he realized he was almost forgetting his cellphone. He ran back to the house and up the stairs to his room, and quickly retrieved it from under his pillows. As soon as he unblocked the screen his blood ran cold, as it displayed: (1) unread message from Sebastian Smythe.
He must have gotten it last night and he hadn’t noticed because he snuck his cellphone under the pillows to avoid the temptation of sending further texts to Sebastian. He wanted to read it and at the same time dreaded it. He opened it anyway:
11:09 PM - From Sebastian Smythe: Do NOT bother me with this tomorrow at school. There is nothing to talk about.
His anger was evident through the text. But anger he could take. At least that meant that he still felt something for him. At least he was acknowledging his existence enough to be mad at him. And with that he knew he definitely was going to talk to Sebastian today.
Thanks for reading :D hope to update more soon!