once again...
ok im back... same night though. ha.. im in a deep thinking mood right now, so had to write more...
man yesterday when my mom came down we watched melissa's wedding video... good freakin lord, i had never ever seen two people more in love. like that is the bestest thing everrrrrrrrrr, when u can just look at two people and know that they are perfect, they were soooo happy in all of their pictures and crying and godddd it was amazing. my mom was like bawling. haha... crazy. but yeah sometimes i see that stuff and im like wow i want that. which drives me crazy cause im not supposed to want that. i mean i probably am, but i always try to not think liek that and i come off like i dont want that and i say i dont want that, so then ill get this tiny feeling or thought when i see stuff like that and im like uhoh........ i shouldnt want that, cause its baaaaaaad. haha, i dunno i think sometimes i make myself not want it cause of fear i guess??? cause people change all the time, people change their minds from like once second to the next even. i know i do it all the time. so its like if i were to commit to someone, there's no way you can know if they'll still love you tomorrow or if you'll still love them. they can say it all they want, but that means nothing. i think im scared of commitment cause i dont want to get hurt, i dont want to hang on someones every move and every word and then them be gone or me be gone or you get it...... haha...... i dont want to be dependent on someone. its all crap. ha....
man yesterday when my mom came down we watched melissa's wedding video... good freakin lord, i had never ever seen two people more in love. like that is the bestest thing everrrrrrrrrr, when u can just look at two people and know that they are perfect, they were soooo happy in all of their pictures and crying and godddd it was amazing. my mom was like bawling. haha... crazy. but yeah sometimes i see that stuff and im like wow i want that. which drives me crazy cause im not supposed to want that. i mean i probably am, but i always try to not think liek that and i come off like i dont want that and i say i dont want that, so then ill get this tiny feeling or thought when i see stuff like that and im like uhoh........ i shouldnt want that, cause its baaaaaaad. haha, i dunno i think sometimes i make myself not want it cause of fear i guess??? cause people change all the time, people change their minds from like once second to the next even. i know i do it all the time. so its like if i were to commit to someone, there's no way you can know if they'll still love you tomorrow or if you'll still love them. they can say it all they want, but that means nothing. i think im scared of commitment cause i dont want to get hurt, i dont want to hang on someones every move and every word and then them be gone or me be gone or you get it...... haha...... i dont want to be dependent on someone. its all crap. ha....