[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 23:13:07 UTC
Okay. [ she can't say anything else through a raw throat, choked on how this isn't how it's supposed to be. archie is supposed to be happy-- she's supposed to be happy. instead they're splintered, and when he moves past her she doesn't let her knee brush his hip, irrationally terrified the emotional fractures might translate and he'll shatter into a million pieces in front of her.
dawn sits in the bathroom for a few minutes after archie leaves, breathing through her nose and trying not to cry. this isn't how it's supposed to be. a splash of water on her face doesn't really help, and she avoids her looking at her reflection as she turns the water off and dries her hands on her upper thighs.
the kitchen feels oppressively small, cramped. dawn assumes the same position she was just in, this time on a chair; she keeps her legs tucked beneath archie's shirt, toes curled in, wishing again for sweatpants or a way to time travel. ]
Can I help? [ the question's stupid; archie clearly has it handled, and she's not sure she can stand up right now. but she has to ask, because if she's asking stupid questions about tea, she isn't crying or begging archie to explain. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 23:24:00 UTC
[When she doesn't follow him immediately, he wonders if she's gone back to get dressed so she can leave as quickly as possible. His hands shake as he drops the teabags into the cups, trying at the same time to organize this thoughts. She arrives, and he doesn't even hear or see her until she speaks. He jumps, spinning to look at her, and spills hot water on the counter. Swallowing, he sets the kettle down, ignoring the spilled water, and picks up both mugs to carry them to the table. Each one is set down with a heavy thunk of porcelain on polished wood. His mouth opens to speak, but he doesn't know what to say. She already told him to stop apologizing.
So he sits and picks up his mug and warms his trembling hands. He breathes for a while there, trying to collect himself, then suddenly blurts out in a low voice:]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 23:33:01 UTC
[ she copies his movements; holds the mug and lets it warm cold hands, curling her fingers around the edges. after a moment, she takes a sip and ignores the way it burns her tongue, holding the tea in her mouth until it cools a little more. archie's quiet and for once she is too, unable to think of a single thing to say. then she lifts her head at his quiet-- vehement-- sentence, face pale. ]
Do you want to break up with me? [ her voice cracks and rises on the last word and she sets her mug down with a thump, pressing a hand to her mouth like she can take the question back if she presses hard enough. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 23:35:26 UTC
[Not a term he's heard, but he shakes his head, quite able to deduce what she means. Beyond that, he cannot speak. That should be his question, not hers.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 23:44:04 UTC
[ dawn is a child of the twenty first century; episodes of oprah and freshmen psych means her brain knows that all this isn't new. after what happened to archie, things like this-- panic attacks, episodes, her brain fills in-- are normal. but dawn can't help the way it still scares her, how she feels simultaneously to blame and then painfully, disgustingly self absorbed. archie is-- like this, hurting, and she can't do anything but try not to make it worse. ]
Okay. [ the word ends on a sniffle, and she ducks her head to wipe at her eyes with the cuffs of her shirt. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 23:54:30 UTC
No! [ flinching at her own volume, almost seeming to echo with so much quiet around them, dawn shakes her head, pushing hair back from her face after. ] No. [ quieter, steadier that time. ]
I-- [ she shakes her head again, and reaches down for her tea for another sip. concentrating on just swallowing, moving the mug from table to mouth to table again like it's the most complicated thing she's ever done. ] I don't want to break up with you.
[ it's the only thing she can say and sound sure about. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 24 2011, 00:11:11 UTC
Well I don't. [ said in another way, the words could be snappish; dawn just sounds tired, quietly sure but not without their own shakiness. she doesn't know what she does want-- to take it back, make it never have happened, take away this sick, leaden feeling; maybe a magic wand to fix archie-- but at least she knows what she doesn't, and without any other idea of what to say she just repeats herself. ] I don't.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 24 2011, 00:14:46 UTC
[But you should. He's been waiting all this time for Dawn to wake up, to realize he's not worth it. If this doesn't do it, then what? Should be break it off anyway, even if neither of them want it, for her sake? What will it take for her to realize?]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 24 2011, 00:21:27 UTC
It didn't hurt. [ even while she knows that's not what archie means-- emotional, not physical-- 'it wasn't my first time' flashes through her mind and opens new realms of things to worry about. maybe he's disappointed. maybe he's disgusted. maybe-- she makes herself stop wondering, take another sip of tea and try to keep the quaver out of her voice. ] It's about-- I mean. Not just about me, about what we did. Right?
[ what he did might be more appropriate, but even sitting essentially half-naked in his kitchen dawn can't may herself speak in anything but euphemisms about sleeping together, let alone archie's history. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 24 2011, 00:29:39 UTC
[He stares into his tea, breathing shakily, then the words collect themselves in his mind.]
This happens every time. I haven't been with many women, and the first time I couldn't even...and I know not everyone thinks they've done something horrible after, and I'm afraid he's ruined me for ever.
[He stops then; it's more than he really wanted to say, and more than he's admitted to anyone in his life besides Horatio.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 24 2011, 00:43:29 UTC
[ what do you say to that? dawn's chest hurts, for both of them, her throat burns from trying to keep from crying. she feels a little like she did with spike, worrying about tara and blaming herself for his wounds. 'i'm like a lightning rod for pain and hurt.' it feels like that again, like all she does is make the people around her suffer and for a moment she wishes spike was here. he's always been good at being rough even when he's kind, making her strong enough to stand back up.
but she's not fifteen anymore, and spike isn't here, so she stares down at her hands like they belong to someone else while she tries to think of anything to say. ] We don't have to sleep together to be together.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 24 2011, 01:03:38 UTC
[There's hesitation. Then, for the first time, he raises his eyes.] It...it isn't that it wasn't wonderful, Dawn. Nothing with you could be anything less.
[But perhaps it was too soon? Or perhaps they just don't know what they're doing.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 24 2011, 01:14:28 UTC
But it made you feel horrible, after. [ she repeats his words back, pressing her lips together in a straight line at the sick way they make her feel, thinking about. ] So we just... won't.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 24 2011, 01:18:57 UTC
[He doesn't want to do this to her. She should be with someone who doesn't constrain her. But he reaches across the table for her hand again, and this time doesn't pull back.]
If we wait.
[Wait, and she can think about whether or not she really wants to keep going with this. Maybe next time, now that she knows what it's like for him, they can approach it better informed.]
dawn sits in the bathroom for a few minutes after archie leaves, breathing through her nose and trying not to cry. this isn't how it's supposed to be. a splash of water on her face doesn't really help, and she avoids her looking at her reflection as she turns the water off and dries her hands on her upper thighs.
the kitchen feels oppressively small, cramped. dawn assumes the same position she was just in, this time on a chair; she keeps her legs tucked beneath archie's shirt, toes curled in, wishing again for sweatpants or a way to time travel. ]
Can I help? [ the question's stupid; archie clearly has it handled, and she's not sure she can stand up right now. but she has to ask, because if she's asking stupid questions about tea, she isn't crying or begging archie to explain. ]
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So he sits and picks up his mug and warms his trembling hands. He breathes for a while there, trying to collect himself, then suddenly blurts out in a low voice:]
I told you I'll never be whole.
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Do you want to break up with me? [ her voice cracks and rises on the last word and she sets her mug down with a thump, pressing a hand to her mouth like she can take the question back if she presses hard enough. ]
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Okay. [ the word ends on a sniffle, and she ducks her head to wipe at her eyes with the cuffs of her shirt. ]
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Do you want to break up with me?
[His voice trembles as he says it.]
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I-- [ she shakes her head again, and reaches down for her tea for another sip. concentrating on just swallowing, moving the mug from table to mouth to table again like it's the most complicated thing she's ever done. ] I don't want to break up with you.
[ it's the only thing she can say and sound sure about. ]
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[The tremor in his voice has not gone away.]
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I hurt you.
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[ what he did might be more appropriate, but even sitting essentially half-naked in his kitchen dawn can't may herself speak in anything but euphemisms about sleeping together, let alone archie's history. ]
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This happens every time. I haven't been with many women, and the first time I couldn't even...and I know not everyone thinks they've done something horrible after, and I'm afraid he's ruined me for ever.
[He stops then; it's more than he really wanted to say, and more than he's admitted to anyone in his life besides Horatio.]
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but she's not fifteen anymore, and spike isn't here, so she stares down at her hands like they belong to someone else while she tries to think of anything to say. ] We don't have to sleep together to be together.
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[But perhaps it was too soon? Or perhaps they just don't know what they're doing.]
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If we wait.
[Wait, and she can think about whether or not she really wants to keep going with this. Maybe next time, now that she knows what it's like for him, they can approach it better informed.]
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