[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 04:04:18 UTC
[Archie had turned the water as hot as it could go the moment he stepped in the shower, as if he could scald the past hour out of his skin. Now, it has run cold, which somehow seems more appropriate. The heat didn't burn the feeling away. Maybe the cold can numb him.
He's not sure what he feels worse about--that he did it or that he enjoyed it.
That's the trouble--it truly had been wonderful, no matter how awkward, just because it was Dawn. Now, the fact that it was Dawn only makes it worse. And it doesn't make sense. He knows this isn't what it's like for other people, and he knows she wanted it as much as he had. He thinks she did.
God, I should be shot.He's been in the shower about forty-five minutes now, and isn't sure how he's going to go back and face Dawn. Part of him wants to go the wrong way down the hall and leave the house, and walk until the barrier stops him, as if that's the only place he can be where either of them will be safe. All of him knows that's foolish, but none of him wants to walk back into his
( ... )
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 04:23:38 UTC
[ the first ten minutes, dawn didn't worry. and at twenty when she heard the shower, she continued not worrying. after thirty, worry started creeping in and by forty, she's starting to feel a little like her stomach is trying to tie itself into knots. at the forty five minute mark she steals one of archie's shirts and heads for the bathroom herself, knocking just loud enough to be heard and then opening the door, parking herself on the closed toilet and trying not to show how freaked out she's starting to get show on her face. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 04:28:53 UTC
[When the door opens, he desperately hopes for Horatio. Hearing Dawn's voice closes his throat. Admittedly, the dread was worse than the event itself, but he's still quiet, no idea what to say, suddenly fourteen and ashamed of something he did wrong.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 04:35:00 UTC
[ when no answer comes, dawn pulls her knees up to her chest and rests her chin on them, swallowing hard and biting down on her cheek until she's sure she can talk without the question being 'was it me?' she knows what archie went through. she can't let her own insecurities make this worse, if he's freaking out.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 04:49:34 UTC
[He needs to answer her. He knows this. Right now, he feels low and foul and completely damned for everything, but he has to answer her.
But he cannot. Earlier, he'd introduced her to Kay so proudly as his, as if he could own her. The fact that he doesn't treat her as a possession has nothing to do with it. The guilt has its own mind, its own consciousness. This happens every time he's with a woman, and every time, he expects it to get better because normal people don't feel like this when they've had sex, so it can only be so long before he defaults back to normal, right? Except it never works. He has all the desires and feelings, but for him, they're wrong even when he's forcing them not to be.
He has to answer her.
Instead of speaking, he reaches out and shuts off the water. He shivers quietly as the water drips off him, but doesn't speak or come out.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 05:03:42 UTC
[ even with knowing what she does, the silence ticks her anxiety upward. was it me? was i not good? dawn can't stop the words from floating through her head-- this wasn't like with nick, didn't feel as weird and uncomfortable and wrong, but maybe she's just awful. clumsy and inexperienced and stupid, and now archie knows it and he's regretting ever starting anything with her.
she has to swallow again before speaking. ]
I-- [ she doesn't finish the sentence, instead just bites her lower lip and tries to breathe steadily. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 05:13:39 UTC
[She's panicking, and he can't bear that. He can't let this heap on his head as well.
Do the next thing. He reaches out of the curtain for his towel, only his arm visible, and begins to dry off. His skin warms a little, and his breathing eases just enough that his throat isn't so painfully closed. Still, no matter what they just did, he can't bear to appear naked before her.]
Can you hand me my clothes?
[His voice is anything but steady, and cracks on the word "hand."]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 05:32:47 UTC
[ dawn doesn't trust her own voice for the moment, so she stands and grabs archie's clothes-- breathe, breathe, keep breathing-- before answering. ]
Here, I'm handing them over now.
[ and then she sits down again, feeling small and useless and utterly, painfully selfish. she's making this about her again, but she can't swallow down the lump in her throat or get rid of the way she wishes archie owned sweatpants and huge sweaters, giant hoodies like xander's. she could hide under one of those. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 05:52:31 UTC
[He hangs his towel over the shower rod and dresses quickly, then pulls his hair over one shoulder and stands there, breathing. He can't quite stop the shivering even though he's warming up. But she's standing out there and...
Do the next thing.
He pulls the curtain aside and steps out, eyes landing on her only briefly before glancing away. His face burns, knowing what they did and knowing he's the reason she looks like she's about to cry. He wants to hold her and tell her it's not her fault and that everything will be fine, but being the cause of this, he must be the last person with the right to touch her. If he can't touch her, and he can't run away, what then?]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 06:05:04 UTC
[ time is weird. you can be perfectly happy one second, noses bumping and trying to make your body move in new ways and all, and then an hour later feel like your heart has shattered and the pieces are digging into your throat, making it hard to breathe around them.
she can't look at archie, know that even if she was perfect-- and she doesn't think she was-- that this is because of her. he stood in a shower for almost an hour, his voice is cracking and it's because of her. ]
You didn't do anything. It's okay. [ her voice is deadened, and she doesn't look up from her knees. ]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 06:27:02 UTC
[If he could erase the last two hours, hearing that deadened voice, he would do it. He wants things to be back to the way they were, comfortable and loving and wondrous, but it already feels like they've stepped into a different world. A line has been crossed that he shouldn't have come near this soon.
He doesn't want to lose her. He wants to tell her he loves her, but it seems like the worst possible thing to say. Maybe now she's discovered the sort of man he really is. Maybe now she's realizing how little she wants to do with someone like him.
Cheesecake. That's what they're supposed to get when they fight. But this isn't a fight, the bakery is closed, and he thinks he might be sick. All he can say is the same thing, in a whisper.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 06:40:03 UTC
[ dawn's not sure what she's supposed to say. 'are you okay' failed. 'was it me' is too unbearably awful, and if the answer is yes dawn's not sure she can keep herself from breaking down, and if archie's changed his mind she wants to at least leave with some dignity.
that whisper breaks the damn around her words, though. archie just sounds so small, as small as she feels and she can't hold back anymore. ]
Don't-- just. Stop saying you're sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. [ then the words she doesn't want to escape come out, and humiliation compounds the guilt and fear. ] Was it bad? I didn't-- is it me?
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 06:53:37 UTC
No. No. [He's shaking his head hard, or maybe he's just shaking. But that's all he can get out. Her questions, her vulnerability, hurt. He wants to hold her, to try to squeeze out the bad feelings, but proximity is a little overwhelming right now when his guilt already involves getting too close.] It isn't you. Please, believe me.
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]noprevaricatingJuly 23 2011, 14:48:32 UTC
[He's not sure how to tell her anything except what he's already told her. He can feel his throat closing up again, and discussing this in the bathroom seems completely wrong. After a long pause, he clears his throat.]
I'll make tea.
[With that, he shoulders past her and heads for the kitchen.]
[July 22nd, just after midnight, post-party, action]tothelibraryJuly 23 2011, 23:13:07 UTC
Okay. [ she can't say anything else through a raw throat, choked on how this isn't how it's supposed to be. archie is supposed to be happy-- she's supposed to be happy. instead they're splintered, and when he moves past her she doesn't let her knee brush his hip, irrationally terrified the emotional fractures might translate and he'll shatter into a million pieces in front of her.
dawn sits in the bathroom for a few minutes after archie leaves, breathing through her nose and trying not to cry. this isn't how it's supposed to be. a splash of water on her face doesn't really help, and she avoids her looking at her reflection as she turns the water off and dries her hands on her upper thighs.
the kitchen feels oppressively small, cramped. dawn assumes the same position she was just in, this time on a chair; she keeps her legs tucked beneath archie's shirt, toes curled in, wishing again for sweatpants or a way to time travel. ]
Can I help? [ the question's stupid; archie clearly has it handled, and she's not sure she can stand up right
( ... )
He's not sure what he feels worse about--that he did it or that he enjoyed it.
That's the trouble--it truly had been wonderful, no matter how awkward, just because it was Dawn. Now, the fact that it was Dawn only makes it worse. And it doesn't make sense. He knows this isn't what it's like for other people, and he knows she wanted it as much as he had. He thinks she did.
God, I should be shot.He's been in the shower about forty-five minutes now, and isn't sure how he's going to go back and face Dawn. Part of him wants to go the wrong way down the hall and leave the house, and walk until the barrier stops him, as if that's the only place he can be where either of them will be safe. All of him knows that's foolish, but none of him wants to walk back into his ( ... )
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Hey.
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Don't open the curtain. Don't look at me naked.]
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...maybe he just has food poisoning. ]
Are you-- is everything okay?
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But he cannot. Earlier, he'd introduced her to Kay so proudly as his, as if he could own her. The fact that he doesn't treat her as a possession has nothing to do with it. The guilt has its own mind, its own consciousness. This happens every time he's with a woman, and every time, he expects it to get better because normal people don't feel like this when they've had sex, so it can only be so long before he defaults back to normal, right? Except it never works. He has all the desires and feelings, but for him, they're wrong even when he's forcing them not to be.
He has to answer her.
Instead of speaking, he reaches out and shuts off the water. He shivers quietly as the water drips off him, but doesn't speak or come out.]
Reply
she has to swallow again before speaking. ]
I-- [ she doesn't finish the sentence, instead just bites her lower lip and tries to breathe steadily. ]
Reply
Do the next thing. He reaches out of the curtain for his towel, only his arm visible, and begins to dry off. His skin warms a little, and his breathing eases just enough that his throat isn't so painfully closed. Still, no matter what they just did, he can't bear to appear naked before her.]
Can you hand me my clothes?
[His voice is anything but steady, and cracks on the word "hand."]
Reply
Here, I'm handing them over now.
[ and then she sits down again, feeling small and useless and utterly, painfully selfish. she's making this about her again, but she can't swallow down the lump in her throat or get rid of the way she wishes archie owned sweatpants and huge sweaters, giant hoodies like xander's. she could hide under one of those. ]
Reply
Do the next thing.
He pulls the curtain aside and steps out, eyes landing on her only briefly before glancing away. His face burns, knowing what they did and knowing he's the reason she looks like she's about to cry. He wants to hold her and tell her it's not her fault and that everything will be fine, but being the cause of this, he must be the last person with the right to touch her. If he can't touch her, and he can't run away, what then?]
...I'm sorry.
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she can't look at archie, know that even if she was perfect-- and she doesn't think she was-- that this is because of her. he stood in a shower for almost an hour, his voice is cracking and it's because of her. ]
You didn't do anything. It's okay. [ her voice is deadened, and she doesn't look up from her knees. ]
Reply
He doesn't want to lose her. He wants to tell her he loves her, but it seems like the worst possible thing to say. Maybe now she's discovered the sort of man he really is. Maybe now she's realizing how little she wants to do with someone like him.
Cheesecake. That's what they're supposed to get when they fight. But this isn't a fight, the bakery is closed, and he thinks he might be sick. All he can say is the same thing, in a whisper.]
I'm sorry.
Reply
that whisper breaks the damn around her words, though. archie just sounds so small, as small as she feels and she can't hold back anymore. ]
Don't-- just. Stop saying you're sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. [ then the words she doesn't want to escape come out, and humiliation compounds the guilt and fear. ] Was it bad? I didn't-- is it me?
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[ she nods, inhaling sharply. ] If it's not me, what is it? I just-- we slept together, and I thought... what happened? Did I do something wrong?
[ the words spill out in a rush, anxious and higher pitched than usual ]
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I'll make tea.
[With that, he shoulders past her and heads for the kitchen.]
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dawn sits in the bathroom for a few minutes after archie leaves, breathing through her nose and trying not to cry. this isn't how it's supposed to be. a splash of water on her face doesn't really help, and she avoids her looking at her reflection as she turns the water off and dries her hands on her upper thighs.
the kitchen feels oppressively small, cramped. dawn assumes the same position she was just in, this time on a chair; she keeps her legs tucked beneath archie's shirt, toes curled in, wishing again for sweatpants or a way to time travel. ]
Can I help? [ the question's stupid; archie clearly has it handled, and she's not sure she can stand up right ( ... )
Reply
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