Silver Linings- My Magical Ulcers
OK, so while I was at Sundance (I never tire of saying that), I saw this fucking awesome Guy Madden movie called The Saddest Music In The World, in which Isabella Rosellini plays a German Beer Baroness during the great depression who throws a competition in Winnepeg to see which country can make the saddest music in the world, and also she has no legs due to a tragic accident until her ex husband makes her glass legs filled with beer that she tap-dances on. Oh, it was great.
Anyway, there's this character in the movie played by the chick from Pulp Fiction who had the line about "I want a pot bellie-like Madonna" who was dating Bruce Willis, and in this movie she has a magic tapeworm that gives her psychic advice that she always follows. Well, this tapeworm sure is a rascal, because it keeps giving her bad advice and getting her into nasty situation, until it up and dies on her when she needs it most.
Hopefully, my ulcers will go the same way. They have been a veritable Greek Chorus today, pointing the way to God Knows What deus ex machina.
I woke up this morning, and thought "Oh, I can't believe I actually broke up with [erstwhile boyfriend]," and BANG- PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
I sat and checked email and thought "I can't believe it, I'm so mad at him for fucking this up", and BANG- PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
The radio edit of 'Back That Ass Up' came on Z104 as I was driving, and I thought "This was going to be our wedding song in Massachussetts", and BANG-PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
I sat on a bench and thought "Well, this is really it, I can't keep seeing him anymore, this is really really really it," and BANG BANG BANG- PAAAAAAIIIIIIIN!!!!!!, the ulcers were FURIOUS at me, all booming out in dissonant tones 'glurgle brop! glurg!', because that's the noise ulcers make.
So then, after a few hours in the bathroom, I sat on the floor holding my stomach and thought "maybe I'll just ignore it and it will go away", and suddenly, the pain started to ease up.
I tried again: "I'll just ignore this and maybe it will go away!" I heard the ulcers giving their blessing.
"I will ignore this and it will go away! I will ignore this and it will go away!", and now the ulcers were not only managing to sing in dulcet harmony, but had also managed to convince my brain to release a whole lot of endorphins, such that I bounded around the house screaming "I'M IGNORING THIS AND IT IS GOING AWAY!!!". Then I took an hour long shower and sang the "I'm going to ignore this and it will go away" song, which is the best song ever written.
My mother came home and asked "So if [erstwhile boyfriend] is not coming on the cruise, can we invite your brother?"
"No!" I screamed. "I'm ignoring this and it's going away!"
[Erstwhile boyfriend] calls. "Hi!" I chirp. He is sobbing something about going into counseling and something about his brother and on and on, and I finally cut him off and say "Listen! Don't worry! I'm ignoring this and it's going to go away!"
pause
"What?"
"Why is everybody having a hard time with this? My ulcers told me to ignore them, and I'm following their advice from here on out. My doctor already told me they'll know what foods I can eat and what foods I can't eat. It turns out they give relationship advice to! They told me to ignore it and it will go away! My adrenal glands TOTALLY agree!"
[Erstwhile boyfriend] didn't really know how to take this, so we'll talk when we get back to New York. Although my ulcers are not thrilled at the idea of me taking a plane, but I think I have them convinced with the idea of Xanax, which they love.
It's all about compromise.
Anyway, there's this character in the movie played by the chick from Pulp Fiction who had the line about "I want a pot bellie-like Madonna" who was dating Bruce Willis, and in this movie she has a magic tapeworm that gives her psychic advice that she always follows. Well, this tapeworm sure is a rascal, because it keeps giving her bad advice and getting her into nasty situation, until it up and dies on her when she needs it most.
Hopefully, my ulcers will go the same way. They have been a veritable Greek Chorus today, pointing the way to God Knows What deus ex machina.
I woke up this morning, and thought "Oh, I can't believe I actually broke up with [erstwhile boyfriend]," and BANG- PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
I sat and checked email and thought "I can't believe it, I'm so mad at him for fucking this up", and BANG- PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
The radio edit of 'Back That Ass Up' came on Z104 as I was driving, and I thought "This was going to be our wedding song in Massachussetts", and BANG-PAIN!- the ulcers were angry.
I sat on a bench and thought "Well, this is really it, I can't keep seeing him anymore, this is really really really it," and BANG BANG BANG- PAAAAAAIIIIIIIN!!!!!!, the ulcers were FURIOUS at me, all booming out in dissonant tones 'glurgle brop! glurg!', because that's the noise ulcers make.
So then, after a few hours in the bathroom, I sat on the floor holding my stomach and thought "maybe I'll just ignore it and it will go away", and suddenly, the pain started to ease up.
I tried again: "I'll just ignore this and maybe it will go away!" I heard the ulcers giving their blessing.
"I will ignore this and it will go away! I will ignore this and it will go away!", and now the ulcers were not only managing to sing in dulcet harmony, but had also managed to convince my brain to release a whole lot of endorphins, such that I bounded around the house screaming "I'M IGNORING THIS AND IT IS GOING AWAY!!!". Then I took an hour long shower and sang the "I'm going to ignore this and it will go away" song, which is the best song ever written.
My mother came home and asked "So if [erstwhile boyfriend] is not coming on the cruise, can we invite your brother?"
"No!" I screamed. "I'm ignoring this and it's going away!"
[Erstwhile boyfriend] calls. "Hi!" I chirp. He is sobbing something about going into counseling and something about his brother and on and on, and I finally cut him off and say "Listen! Don't worry! I'm ignoring this and it's going to go away!"
pause
"What?"
"Why is everybody having a hard time with this? My ulcers told me to ignore them, and I'm following their advice from here on out. My doctor already told me they'll know what foods I can eat and what foods I can't eat. It turns out they give relationship advice to! They told me to ignore it and it will go away! My adrenal glands TOTALLY agree!"
[Erstwhile boyfriend] didn't really know how to take this, so we'll talk when we get back to New York. Although my ulcers are not thrilled at the idea of me taking a plane, but I think I have them convinced with the idea of Xanax, which they love.
It's all about compromise.