my life is like a blank abyss
i feel like im drifting away from everyone. The only person that has talked to me in the past 3 days is luis. Im pretty sure one of my close friends lie to me to get out of helping me with something. Another seems to be avoiding me. One just keeps bitching at me about how wrong everything i do is. Nobody ever texts me just to say hey, how am i do. I know it seems selfish of me, but sometimes its nice to know that someone you think is one of your closest friends cares enough to make sure you're okay.
My da.....stepdad....has decided to go along with the heart transplant again. him and my mother have to go to the social worker on monday for the first session. Eventually my brother and I have to go to individual sessions and family sessions as well. I dont even know why he's bothering. In the first year after the chance theres a pretty good chance he will die anyway. And even if he lives past the first year he's only got an extra 5 to MAYBE 10 years. I know it seems cruel but he's miserable in life, he's miserable in this stupid marriage, he can't live on his own though because of all of his conditions. All him and my mom do is fight. all he does is ignore me now a days. when he doesn't ignore me its to yell at me or to shove food down my throat.
All i want to do 99% of the time is just lay under the covers and die. I can't wait to go away to college but at the same time I'm scared to go out on my own. Plus my little brother always gets so upset when I talk about leaving. Im the only one in the house who he can talk to that he knows wont judge. Plus whenever THEY fight he comes in my room and we turn my music all the way up and dance on my bed so we dont have to listen. I dont want him to go through what I went through as a child. Back when It was just me and my mother and my older brother, my mother was so much worse. She was always so angry, all she ever did was yell and beat me. I think thats why I am the way I am today. Its probably why Rodnny is an alcoholic, because he would get drunk and high every day so he wouldnt have to deal with her. Its probably why I had a panic attack the other night because I couldnt find my razor. Its probably why I am the most comfortable when I am acting, pretending to be someone else. She even took the joy out of dancing for me. She's nicer now but its still pretty bad. And nobody ever believes me that shes such a horrible person because whenever my friends are around she puts on an act. She pretends to be nice. Sometimes her nasty fits break out when friends are around but there never that bad. I wish I was brave enough to stand up to her. But Im not. Id much rather get high and hide in my room. Or hide under the covers and watch myself bleed so i dont have to deal.
Theres so much that i have to keep from everyone just because everyone has this image of me. I can only tell my deepest stuff to one person and even then its not EVERYTHING. I hate how much everyone depends on me, but at the same time I need it. Because if nobody ever depended on me I would go crazy....er. I wish i could just run so fucking far away that I wouldnt even have to THINK of all of my problems, that i could just leave them behind. But I know i can't.
Sorry for the rant. Oh Well
My da.....stepdad....has decided to go along with the heart transplant again. him and my mother have to go to the social worker on monday for the first session. Eventually my brother and I have to go to individual sessions and family sessions as well. I dont even know why he's bothering. In the first year after the chance theres a pretty good chance he will die anyway. And even if he lives past the first year he's only got an extra 5 to MAYBE 10 years. I know it seems cruel but he's miserable in life, he's miserable in this stupid marriage, he can't live on his own though because of all of his conditions. All him and my mom do is fight. all he does is ignore me now a days. when he doesn't ignore me its to yell at me or to shove food down my throat.
All i want to do 99% of the time is just lay under the covers and die. I can't wait to go away to college but at the same time I'm scared to go out on my own. Plus my little brother always gets so upset when I talk about leaving. Im the only one in the house who he can talk to that he knows wont judge. Plus whenever THEY fight he comes in my room and we turn my music all the way up and dance on my bed so we dont have to listen. I dont want him to go through what I went through as a child. Back when It was just me and my mother and my older brother, my mother was so much worse. She was always so angry, all she ever did was yell and beat me. I think thats why I am the way I am today. Its probably why Rodnny is an alcoholic, because he would get drunk and high every day so he wouldnt have to deal with her. Its probably why I had a panic attack the other night because I couldnt find my razor. Its probably why I am the most comfortable when I am acting, pretending to be someone else. She even took the joy out of dancing for me. She's nicer now but its still pretty bad. And nobody ever believes me that shes such a horrible person because whenever my friends are around she puts on an act. She pretends to be nice. Sometimes her nasty fits break out when friends are around but there never that bad. I wish I was brave enough to stand up to her. But Im not. Id much rather get high and hide in my room. Or hide under the covers and watch myself bleed so i dont have to deal.
Theres so much that i have to keep from everyone just because everyone has this image of me. I can only tell my deepest stuff to one person and even then its not EVERYTHING. I hate how much everyone depends on me, but at the same time I need it. Because if nobody ever depended on me I would go crazy....er. I wish i could just run so fucking far away that I wouldnt even have to THINK of all of my problems, that i could just leave them behind. But I know i can't.
Sorry for the rant. Oh Well