Top Secret Entry: Super Friends Only!
This boy is bleeding emotion
Umm...yeah he is! Anyway, I feel like rambling. Here with my music, I feel inclined to, as I am taken back, back to better days of just...chilling.
I may be barely sane, in these brief little spurts I get, making me want to just tear out my heart and display it to anyone bored enough to care, and all that crap. About once a week I feel an urge to just scream out how I feel; how I've felt for awhile now. I'm never satisfied with what I display; it's never really enough. So, uh, here goes another effort...
"So It began this way, I can't recall how it got started"-Donner Party
Jesus Christ, people, I remember the days! When I could just...chill and talk to my homies and laugh and maybe even huff a little gas or something. I mean, shit was awesome back then! My life was slowly messing up, but I didn't know what was really happening! I didn't know in not that long I would be forced outta my home, spending three months in "Transition Hell", losing nearly all contact with my friends. Everything was great! It was like, me and Leigh against the world on a mission! Crazy cool! Man, it was great, and I can't stress that enough! It was awesome! I mean, at the time I didn't think it was that cool. I was going through all the John Williams crap and slowly losing my self respect and much more, but in retrospective, it rocked. I didn't realize what I had: I didn't realize exactly how important my relationships were until they were jeopradized.
"If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might be here with you"-Hey Jealousy
Then comes Transition House. Long story short, one day I was locked out of my house, had no key, Mom refused to leave the door unlocked for me, so I busted out a window to get in the house. I mean, it was HOT, and I didn't want to wait out there that long. Anyway, that's what did it. After that a police report was filed, I was brought back into custody, after such a clean record for the last 7 months, and rotted away in Gatling for about 3 weeks. Then I got to Transition House. I was happy to be out of Gatling, but I wasn't so sure about the whole grouphome thing. I knew it wouldn't be cool. It sucked in there. They knew how much I care about my friends, and they used that against me. Everytime I did something wrong, I was banned from the phone. If I had a dollar for every time I tried to sneak and call Leigh, I'd have atleast 50. Little did I know, Leigh was changing. Anyway, to sum up the Transition House experience in one sentence, it was: A disturbing removal of me almost completely from my society into hell, where there's no one you can trust and you always have to look behind your back.
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief"- Aescylus, Greek Tragic Poet
Go Aescylus! Sum it all up, buddy! Anyway, everyday I'm haunted, haunted by what I could be doing right now. For example, as I sit pecking away on these keys in this lame livejournal I have no bussiness doing anyway, if I had never encountered Transition House, I could be in my room with Leigh singing songs about shrimp, steak, and Cameron Hernandez. One thing I can relate to these days is Alkaline Trio. I've never heard a band that can sum up my feelings so accurately as this group. I have a very clear memory of a visit I had to my Dad's. It was right as I had started smoking, turning my back on all that was morally right. Alkaline Trio were there to comfort me, reminding me "I don't have to quit doing f***ed up s**t for anyone but me". When I'm feeling like a dirty rotten vile bastard, I can blast "Hell Yes", and jam to that. When I'm feeling lower than low and needing a huge lift, I can blast the old favorite which got my hooked on the band, "We've had Enough". When I'm pissed about me and Leigh, I can skip ahead to "Queen of Pain". I could go on and on, and find a situation for almost every single song. I'm all for embracing negativity!
"Every single word from "Everybody Hurts"-REM
If none of you guys have ever heard this song, you should. I love this song so much. I'm beginning to love REM. Anyways, people, lets bring up an unsettling topic here, one I've had many discussions about over the last couple years, that term that's rather controversial and normally avoided: suicide. Yeah, I said it. Let's be candid folks! Raw emotional Nelson Jones here! Here to make threats about himself which are really not much!
Not sure exactly if many people believe half the shit I say. Maybe due to that little prank me and Kristen had pulled on Leigh. That was so funny though, I mean thinking about it now, it makes me sick, but when I came to school with the gauze all on my wrist and not talking much to Leigh, Jesus Christ, it was a good one. Sick, though. It comes back to haunt me now. I start to think just how much of my credibility was ruined due to that.
I remember during the "John Williams period", I was at one of the lowest points of my life. Felt terrible, awful every day. Life flat out sucked worse than it ever had up to then. I was really contemplating that fragile little word, suicide, quite seriously. I had tried to tell Leigh, and well, she gave a letter detailing it to John Williams, who in turn used it...well, I really don't know why he used it. What did he think would happen? I don't know. Anyways, after that had happened, I really didn't want to confide much in Leigh, cause I didn't think she believed me (and she had a right not to).
I had told Kristen though. I had a plan. I was intending to act it out the day I had smoked my first cigarette. Then my mom calls a hotline and I get picked up by an ambulance. The ambulance took me to Randolph, which is some sort of mental asylum. The infamous "Kermit 'D' Frog" took place here, for those who have any clue what I'm reffering to.
Anyway, if you don't know, it was funny. Ask me sometime and I'll elaborate. Anyway, the next day, my two favorite family members, my mother and a returning uncle from Europe, took me out of it.
I'll finish this tomorrow. It's bedtime.